


Glee watches Glee

by Drhair76



Category: Glee
Genre: F/F, F/M, M/M
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2017-11-20
Updated: 2018-09-30
Packaged: 2019-02-04 20:40:27
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 7
Words: 42,798
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/12779091
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Drhair76/pseuds/Drhair76
Summary: What happens when The Warblers get a CD containing all of the Mckinley High School drama?They watch it of course!





	1. Pilot

**Author's Note:**

> Disclaimer: The characters, plotlines, quotes, etc. included here are owned by Ryan Murphy, all rights reserved. This fanfiction is not authorized or endorsed by Ryan Murphy or Fox.

Blaine stepped into the Warblers practice room expecting everyone to be warming up and getting ready for rehearsals but everyone was crowded around David, who was holding a CD case in his hands. 

 

"Guys? What's going on?" Blaine asked raising an eyebrow, Wes wouldn't allow them to slack off this close to sectionals,  _especially_  since Flint still couldn't walk and sing at the same time without falling on his face.     

"It's a CD. It says Glee on it but that's it." Wes explained as David put it into the computer and connected it to the television. 

"Where did you get it from?" Blaine questioned warily sitting down next to Jeff. 

"Someone named Sue Sylvester brought it here." David said, his confusion tangible but Blaine blinked in surprise. 

"I think we should call Kurt, Sue is the cheerleading coach from Mckinley. " Blaine mumbled pulling out his phone. 

"That doesn't sound like a good idea Blaine," Thad argued, "you know how upset Kurt gets when you interrupt him from his mental health day." Blaine huffed. 

"He won't stay mad at me," Blaine pouted but he put his phone away and all the Warblers waited for the video to start. 

**[OPEN: EXT. FOOTBALL FIELD - DAY. The cheerleading squad, the Cheerios, are practicing routines. They are being watched and timed by SUE SYLVESTER, their coach. One of the cheerleaders falls from the top of the formation.]**

"Oh my god." Nick exclaimed in shock while Wes and David enjoyed the sight of those cheerleaders' legs. 

**SUE: You think this is hard? Try being waterboarded. That’s hard.**

"What?" Cameron spluttered and Thad wrinkled his nose. 

"Is that Sue?" David asked and Blaine nodded amusedly.  

"Is she serious?" Luke asked and Kurt nodded with a faint smile.

**[CUT TO: EXT. PARKING LOT - DAY. WILL SCHUESTER drives in and parks his clunky car. He approaches a dumpster where a group of jocks including NOAH “PUCK” PUCKERMAN and FINN HUDSON are surrounding KURT HUMMEL.]**

Blaine tensed and David frowned. 

**WILL: Making some new friends, Kurt?**

**PUCK: He sure is, Mr. Schue.**

"I think he was talking to Kurt." Wes muttered with narrowed eyes. He was very protective of his Warblers, especially the countertenor who had to come to  _them_  for comfort from his own school. 

"But isn't that one of the guys from New Directions? Kurt wouldn't get hurt with them right?" Jeff asked confusedly but no one answered. 

**WILL: Hey, Finn, you still owe me that report on que hace el verano pasado.**

**FINN: What?**

**WILL: “What you did last summer.”**

**FINN: Almost halfway done with almost all of it, Mr. Schue.**

"Almost all of it?" Ethan mumbles and Cameron chuckles. 

"That sounds like you in history, Logan." Reid commented and barely dodged in time to miss a pillow to the head. 

**[WILL leaves.]**

**PUCK: It’s hammer time!**

**[PUCK and another jock pick KURT up.]**

"What the hell?" Wes questioned angrily, and Blaine's hands curled into fists.  

"Oh no." Jeff mumbled and Nick slipped an arm around his shoulders. 

"They better not." Luke growled and Reid grabbed his hand comfortingly. 

**KURT: Please, this is from Marc Jacobs’ new collection!**

"Of course he would." Thad grumbled though concern still shone in his eyes. 

**FINN: Wait.**

"Isn't he Kurt's step-brother? Why wouldn't he stop him before this?" Flint frowned. 

"I don't think he's stopping him Flint." Blaine said and Wes turned back to the TV alarmed. 

**[The jocks release KURT. He takes off his jacket and hands it to FINN.]**

**FINN: Okay.**

**[PUCK and the other jock toss KURT into the dumpster. FINN appears troubled.]**

The room goes dead silent. Everyone stared at the screen in shock and confusion. 

"I've got to go." Blaine mumbles before rushing out the room, his fingers tapping his phone quickly. Wes almost jumps out of his seat filled with an irrational fear that their countertenor was hurt but David pulled him down. 

"Blaine's got it." 

Twenty minutes later Blaine is pulling a confused Kurt into the room behind him. The Warblers start talking all at once and Kurt flinches. 

"GUYS!" Kurt yells and everyone immediately shuts their mouths. "So, Sue sent you guys a CD of my time at Mckinley?"

David and Wes nod not trusting themselves to speak. "O-okay," Kurt mumbles, his strong facade cracking slightly, "I think I should tell the others so they can come watch too." 

Everyone stayed quiet as Kurt shot off a few texts and then he put his phone in his pocket. 

"Let's see what the devil coach pulled from this hellhole of a school." Kurt muttered and Blaine grabbed his hand comfortingly. 

**[CUT TO: EXT. FOOTBALL FIELD - DAY. QUINN FABRAY jumps and performs a cheerleading pose in the air.]**

"Woah." Trent gasped and Kurt rolled his eyes. 

**[CUT TO: INT. HALLWAY - DAY. WILL stands in front of a trophy display, admiring a first-place trophy that WMHS won at the 1993 Show Choir Championships. Next, he looks at a plaque awarded to LILIAN ADLER (1937-1997) with the quote “By its very definition, Glee is about opening yourself up to joy.”]**

**[CUT TO: INT. CLASSROOM - DAY. WILL is teaching a spanish class. FINN is in the class.]**

**WILL: Como esta usted? Yo me llamo Guillermo.**

**CLASS: (repeats, bored) Como esta usted? Yo me llamo Guillermo.**

**WILL: Que lastima, hojala que se sienta mejor.**

**CLASS: (repeats) Que lastima…**

**[CUT TO: EXT. FOOTBALL FIELD - DAY. Male cheerleader jumps and performs a cheerleading pose in the air.]**

**[CUT TO: INT. CHOIR ROOM - DAY. SANDY RYERSON and HANK SAUNDERS are singing “Where Is Love?” from Oliver! together. RACHEL BERRY is watching, upset.]**

"Um ew." Logan said. 

**[CUT TO: INT. TEACHERS LOUNGE - DAY. WILL and KEN TANAKA are standing around a coffee maker without a coffee pot.]**

**WILL: Where’s the coffee pot?**

**KEN: Figgins got rid of it. Budget cuts. You know, I know for a fact that they are still getting hot java at Carver. We should strike.**

**[SUE enters with coffee drinks.]**

**SUE: Hello, boys. Who needs a pick-me-up?**

**KEN: Wow, lattes!**

**SUE: Yeah, I am a bit of a coffee snob. Now, the key to a perfect latte, is in the temperature of the steamed milk. I like mine scalding.**

**[EMMA enters.]**

**KEN: Hi, Emma.**

**EMMA: Hey, Ken. Will, hi.**

**WILL: Hey.**

**EMMA: What’s with all the lattes?**

**SUE: Oh, Emma, I just felt so awful that Figgins cut the coffee budget to pay for a nutritionist for the Cheerios.**

**EMMA: Yeah, I heard you guys went, like, $600 over budget on that.**

**SUE: My performers didn’t get on Fox Sports Net last year because they ate at Bacon Junction.**

**EMMA: Since when are cheerleaders performers?**

**SUE: Your resentment is delicious. Well, I have a phoner in a couple of minutes. It’s an interview on the telephone with a major media outlet. I’ll probably do it on my iPhone. Enjoy.**

**WILL: Thanks a lot, Sue.**

"That was weird." Flint said and Kurt huffed out a small laugh. "Get ready for that, anytime Sue is there it's weird." 

**[SUE exits. KEN walks over and sits down across from EMMA.]**

**KEN: I missed you at the, uh, singles mixer last weekend, Emma.**

"Oh gosh." Wes said, his anger finally calming and relaxing. 

**EMMA: Yeah, I know. Big pipe exploded in my building. It was wild. I hate those mixer things though, I mean, it’s like a big meat market. It’s just, ugh. I did give my number to a fireman though. But he hasn’t called.**

"A fireman?" Kurt said with mild interest, his head tilted and Blaine frowned.

**WILL: You know what, there’s someone out there for everyone. I wouldn’t even sweat it.**

**EMMA: Hey, did you hear that Sandy Ryerson got fired?**

**WILL: Really? Well, who’s going to take over Glee Club?**

**EMMA: Don’t know.**

**[CUT TO: INT. PRINCIPAL’S OFFICE - DAY. PRINCIPAL FIGGINS and WILL are seated across from each other.]**

**WILL: I’d like to take over Glee Club.**

**FIGGINS: You want to captain the Titanic, too?**

**WILL: I think I can make it great again. There is no joy in these kids. They feel invisible. That’s why every one of them has a MySpace page.**

"Who has a MySpace anymore?" Ethan asked and Cameron shushed him, excited to know how the New Directions came to be. 

 **FIGGINS: 60 bucks a month. That’s what I need to keep this program up**.

"That's not so bad." Flint said and Kurt frowned. 

"Don't forget that this is a public school," Kurt reminded, though not unkindly, "and not everyone has that kind of money." 

Flint blushed, embarrassed but he nodded. 

**WILL: And you-you expect me to pay it?**

**FIGGINS: I’m certainly not going to pay for it. We’re not talking about Cheerios here, Will. They were on Fox Sports Net last year. When Glee Club starts bringing that kind of prestige to the school again, you can have all the money you want. Until then, 60 bucks a month. And you’ve got to use the costumes and props you already have. But we need the stools for wood shop.**

**[CUT TO: INT. WILL’S BEDROOM - NIGHT. TERRI SCHUESTER is asleep. WILL lies wide awake.]**

**WILL: (voice over) Hiding the $60 a month from my wife, Terri, was going to be hard. But I had a bigger problem. How was I going to get these kids motivated? One thing I knew for sure, we needed a new name.**

**[WILL sits up, excited.]**

**WILL: “New Directions!”**

**[CUT TO: INT. HALLWAY - DAY. MERCEDES JONES walks up to the New Directions sign-up sheet and writes down her name.]**

"Mercedes!" Kurt squeals happily and Blaine could see the longing in his eyes. 

Kurt missed his friends. 

**[CUT TO: INT. AUDITORIUM - DAY. MERCEDES is on stage.]**

**MERCEDES: My name is Mercedes Jones and I’m singing…**

**[MERCEDES sings Aretha Franklin’s “Respect”.]**

"Damn." David whistled and Wes nodded. "She definitely has mine".

**[CUT TO: INT. HALLWAY - DAY. KURT walks up to the sign-up sheet and writes down his name.]**

"Go Kurt!" The Warblers cheer and Kurt hides his smile by scratching at his cheek. 

**[CUT TO: INT. AUDITORIUM - DAY. KURT is on stage.]**

**KURT: Hello, I’m Kurt Hummel, and I’ll be singing “Mr. Cellophane”.**

**[KURT sings “Mr. Cellophane” from Chicago.]**

"Woah." Blaine muttered when Kurt hit the high note without a single sweat and Nick nodded in agreement. Kurt smirked triumphantly when Blaine pressed a kiss to his cheek.  

**[CUT TO: INT. HALLWAY - DAY. TINA COHEN-CHANG writes down her name on the sign-up sheet with ARTIE ABRAMS beside her.]**

**[CUT TO: INT. AUDITORIUM - DAY. TINA is on stage.]**

**TINA: (stuttering) Tina C. “I Kissed A Girl.”**

**[TINA sings Katy Perry’s “I Kissed A Girl”.]**

"Yes! Katy!" Blaine cheered and Kurt tilted his head. 

"I forgot she used to dressed like that." He murmured thoughtfully.  

[ **CUT TO: INT. HALLWAY - DAY. RACHEL approaches the sign-up sheet and writes down her name.]**

**[CUT TO: INT. AUDITORIUM - DAY. RACHEL is on stage.]**

**RACHEL: Hi, my name is Rachel Berry, and I’ll be singing “On My Own” from the seminal Broadway classic Les Mis.**

**WILL: Fantastic, let’s hear it.**

**[RACHEL starts singing “On My Own” from Les Miserables.]**

"Wow," Kurt hummed, "this is the first time I've ever actually wanted to hear more come out of Rachel's mouth." 

**[CUT TO: INT. HALLWAY - DAY. RACHEL applies a gold star sticker to the end of her name on the sign-up sheet.]**

**RACHEL: (voice over) You might laugh because every time I sign my name, I put a gold star after it. But it’s a metaphor and metaphors are important. My gold stars are a metaphor for me being a star.**

"Wow, is she really like this in real life?" Cameron asked in disbelief and Kurt laughed. "Oh just wait, it gets worse before it gets any better." 

**[PUCK throws a slushie in RACHEL’s face.]**

"Woah, what was that?" Jeff asked genuinely confused. 

"That was a slushie. Cherry stings the worst, but at least it was only one." Kurt said casually and Blaine gripped his hand tighter. 

"You mean they did that to you too?" Wes asked and Kurt just hummed noncommittally, already focused back on the TV.  

**[CUT TO: INT. HALLWAY - DAY. RACHEL is walking down the hallway in a rush.]**

**RACHEL: (voice over) And just so we’re clear, I want to clear up that hateful rumor that I was the one who turned that closet case Sandy Ryerson in because he gave Hank Saunders the solo I deserved. That’s cockpoopie.**

"Cockpoopie?" Nick mouth to Jeff but he just shrugged. 

**[CUT TO: INT. PRINCIPAL’S OFFICE - DAY. RACHEL is crying to FIGGINS.]**

**RACHEL: He was touching Hank, caressing him. It was so wrong!**

**[FIGGINS hands her a tissue. RACHEL dabs at her cheeks, smiling.]**

"It is true though." Trent said with a shrug and Flint shuddered. 

[ **CUT TO: INT. HALLWAY - DAY. RACHEL is admiring a photo of two men on the door of her locker.]**

**RACHEL: (voice over) I am not homophobic. In fact, I have two gay dads. See, I was born out of love. My two dads screened potential surrogates based on beauty and IQ. Then they mixed their sperm together and used a turkey baster. To this day, we don’t know which one is my real dad, which I think is pretty amazing.**

"What?" Reid asked.

"Just don't." Kurt sighed. 

[ **CUT TO: INT. DANCE STUDIO - DAY. A young RACHEL dances wildly.]**

**RACHEL: (voice over) My dads spoiled me in the arts. I was given dance lessons, vocal lessons, anything to give me a competitive edge.**

**[CUT TO: INT. RACHEL’S BEDROOM - NIGHT. RACHEL is looking at her laptop.]**

**RACHEL: (voice over) You might think that all the boys in school would totally want to tap this, but my MySpace schedule keeps me way too busy to date.**

**[RACHEL sets up a video recorder on a tripod and starts to sing.]**

**RACHEL: (voice over) I try to post a MySpace video every day,  just to keep my talent alive and growing. Nowadays, being anonymous is worse than being poor. Fame is the most important thing in our culture now. And if there’s one thing I’ve learned, it’s that no one’s just gonna hand it to you.**

**[RACHEL uploads a video of her singing.]**

**[CUT TO: INT. GYMNASIUM - DAY. QUINN FABRAY, SANTANA LOPEZ, and other Cheerios are watching RACHEL’s video and laughing. QUINN writes a comment that says “If I were your parents, I would sell you back.” Another comment reads “I’m going to scratch out my eyes.” Another says “Please get sterilized.”]**

Kurt tensed and Blaine pulled him into his chest. The Dalton boys all cooed at them. 

**[CUT TO: INT. RACHEL’S BEDROOM - NIGHT. RACHEL reads the comments.]**

**[CUT TO: INT. AUDITORIUM - DAY. RACHEL’s audition continues.]**

**WILL: Very nice, Rachel.**

**RACHEL: When do we start rehearsals?**

"And the diva is awoken." Kurt joked and Blaine giggled. 

**[CUT TO: INT. CHOIR ROOM - DAY. RACHEL, TINA, MERCEDES, KURT, and ARTIE are rehearsing “Sit Down, You’re Rockin’ The Boat” from Guys and Dolls. WILL is directing. They are terrible.]**

"Wait, why are you guys so terrible? You guys are usually so amazing!" Thad asked and Kurt sighed. 

"Well," Kurt started and Nick could practically taste sarcastic Kurt's arrival, "Artie did kind of smack into the wall at the end."  

**RACHEL: We suck.**

**WILL: Uh, it… It’ll get there. We-we just need to keep rehearsing.**

**RACHEL: Mr. Schuester, do you have any idea how ridiculous it is to give the lead solo in “Sit Down, You’re Rockin’ the Boat” to a boy in a wheelchair?**

Blaine and Nick winced. 

**ARTIE: I think Mr. Schue is using irony to enhance the performance.**

**RACHEL: There is nothing ironic about show choir!**

**WILL: Rachel… Rachel!**

**[CUT TO: EXT. FOOTBALL FIELD - DAY. SUE is yelling at her Cheerios. RACHEL is watching from the bleachers.]**

**SUE: That’s sloppy! You’re sloppy babies! It’s just disgraceful! And I want the agony out of your eyes! Uh-uh, Lance, don’t you start crying! You are the weak link, pal! How’s it feel to be the weak link, huh?! That can’t feel very good!**

"Sloppy babies?" Trent repeated.

"Poor Lance." David sympathised.  

[ **WILL enters. He sits down behind RACHEL on the bleachers.]**

**WILL: You changed out of your costume.**

**RACHEL: I’m tired of being laughed at.**

**WILL: You’re the best kid in there, Rachel. That comes with a price.**

**RACHEL: Look, I know I’m just a sophomore, but I can feel the clock ticking away, and I don’t want to leave high school with nothing to show for it.**

**WILL: You get great grades. You’re a fantastic singer.**

**RACHEL: Everybody hates me.**

**WILL: And you think Glee Club is going to change that?**

"It definitely made it worse." Kurt sighed and Blaine remembered when Kurt came to spy for Dalton and him looking so shocked when he realised that the Warblers were actually popular.

**RACHEL: Being great at something is going to change it. Being a part of something special makes you special, right? I need a male lead who can keep up with me vocally.**

"You could and can keep up with her Kurt." Blaine argued and Kurt just shrugged. 

**WILL: Maybe I can coach Artie a little.**

**RACHEL: Look, Mr. Schue, I really appreciate what you’re trying to do, but if you can’t give me what I need, then I’m sorry. I’m not going to make a fool out of myself. I can’t keep wasting my time with Glee. It hurts too much.**

**[KEN blows his whistle to get their attention.]**

**KEN: Schuester! Figgins wants you!**

**[CUT TO: INT. PRINCIPAL’S OFFICE - DAY. FIGGINS is punching away at his calculator.]**

**WILL: But we just started rehearsals.**

"Already?" Wes asked shocked and Kurt nodded. 

**FIGGINS: My hands are tied, Schue. I need the auditorium. Alcoholics Anonymous wants to rent it out for their afternoon meetings. Lots of drunks in this town. They’re paying me ten bucks a head.**

**WILL: If we show at regionals, Glee stays; if not, the bar’s open on the auditorium.**

**FIGGINS: What is it with you and this club? You’ve got only five kids–one of them’s a cripple.**

"What a great principal." Thad snarked and Nick frowned. 

"What's wrong?" Jeff asked and Nick just shook his head. 

"I just forgot how public schools are."

**WILL: Then I guess you’ve got nothing to worry about.**

**FIGGINS: Fine.**

**WILL: Yes!**

**FIGGINS: But you’re running detention for free to make it up to me.**

**WILL: Deal.**

"That doesn't sound like a deal to me." David said pulling a face. 

**[CUT TO: INT. SHEETS N THINGS - DAY. TERRI is teaching HOWARD BAMBOO how to fold a fitted sheet.]**

**TERRI: You put your hands in the corners like this. Okay?**

**HOWARD: I can’t do it. I’m dyslexic. Maybe I should just stick to towels and washcloths.**

"Does that make any type of sense?" Kurt asked and Blaine, Logan and Luke shook their heads.

"Ok. Just checking." He said before snuggling back into Blaine. 

**TERRI: Howard, if you can’t fold a fitted sheet, you cannot work at Sheets N’ Things.**

**P.A.: Associate to returns.**

**TERRI: Go. Make sure they have a receipt.**

**[HOWARD exits. WILL enters.]**

**WILL: Someone looks beautiful today.**

**TERRI: Hey.**

**WILL: Hi.**

**TERRI: You look very handsome.**

**WILL: Thank you. I just thought I’d bring you roast beef on pumpernickel–your favorite.**

**TERRI: Aw. Oh, but does it have mayo?**

**WILL: Yeah.**

**TERRI: Will, if my diabetes comes back, I can’t get pregnant.**

**WILL: I…**

**TERRI: What is wrong with you?**

"Hey! He just wanted to bring her a sandwich." Kurt exclaimed angrily. Mr. Shue might have been hypocritical and slightly dismissive but he was still Kurt's favorite teacher. (Other than Miss. Pillsbury.) 

**WILL: I just wanted to tell you that I’m going to have to start working late for the next couple of months. I’m, uh, monitoring after-school detention.**

**TERRI: What?**

**WILL: I had to make a deal with Figgins so he wouldn’t kill Glee Club.**

**TERRI: But Will, I’m on my feet four hours a day three times a week here. Now I have to go home, and I have to cook dinner for myself?**

"What is her problem?" Cameron asked disgusted. "My sister does all of that and still gets straight A's and has time for her boyfriend." 

**[HOWARD enters.]**

**HOWARD: This lady wants to return these sheets, but… something tells me we’ve got another bed wetter.**

"That's pleasant." Kurt snarked and Blaine stifled a laugh. 

**TERRI: Do you see what I have to deal with here?**

**[TERRI grabs the soiled sheets. TERRI and HOWARD exit.]**

**TERRI: God, hasn’t she ever heard of a diaper?**

**[WILL sees SANDY in the next aisle. He is speaking to a Sheets N’ Things EMPLOYEE.]**

**SANDY: Of course, towels have a thread count, Mister… Sheets N’ Things. What do you do? I read catalogues. I know these things. Anything under a 400 thread count, and I could break out in impetigo. It’s simple to understand.**

[ **EMPLOYEE exits. WILL tries to sneak past SANDY.]**

**SANDY: William?**

**WILL: Sandy? Hey.**

**SANDY: Well, hello. How are things? I hear you have taken over Glee Club.**

"Yes! Finally some drama!" David cheered and Jeff rolled his eyes.

"Just you wait." Kurt murmured and Blaine frowned concernedly. 

**WILL: Yeah. I… hope you’re not too upset.**

**SANDY: Are you kidding? Getting out of that swirling eddy of despair: best thing that ever happened to me. Don’t get me wrong. It wasn’t easy at first. Being dismissed, and for what I was accused of. My long-distance girlfriend in Cleveland nearly broke up with me. Oh God, don’t you love a good monkey? Took me weeks to get over my nervous breakdown.**

**WILL: Did they put you on medication?**

**SANDY: Better: medical marijuana. It’s genius. I just tell my Dr. Feelgood I’m having trouble sleeping, and he gives me all of it I want. I’m finding the whole system quite lucrative.**

"What the actual hell?" Flint exclaimed. Kurt laughed bright and happy and Blaine sighed as the melodic sound traveled through the room.

**WILL: You’re a drug dealer?**

**SANDY: Oh, yeah… make five times more than when I was a teacher.**

**SANDY: I keep some for myself, and then I take money baths in the rest.**

**WILL: Who-who do you sell it to?**

**[CUT TO: EXT. SHADY LOT - DAY. SANDY gives KEN a packet of marijuana in exchange for money.]**

"Oh my Gaga." 

**[CUT TO: INT. SHEETS N THINGS - DAY. SANDY holds up a packet of marijuana labeled The Chronic Lady.]**

**SANDY: You want in?**

**WILL: Uh, no… I mean, I tried it once in college, but Terri and I are trying to get pregnant, so…**

**[SANDY puts the packet into WILL’s pocket.]**

**SANDY: Do my own packaging, and the first sample is free.**

**WILL: Sandy, no.**

**SANDY: Come on, you are the one who are coaching those tone-deaf acne factories. You’re going to need it.**

"Wow, glad he's gone." Thad frowned and Kurt hummed in agreement.

**[Sheets N’ Things EMPLOYEE returns with a toilet cover.]**

**SANDY: This looks like barf. Okay? I have to do everything myself. (to WILL) Call me. (to EMPLOYEE) Come on. What’s the matter with you? This is terrible.**

**[CUT TO: INT. SUE’S OFFICE - DAY. SUE is dusting her cheerleading trophies when WILL knocks on her door and looks in.]**

**WILL: Hey, Sue. Can I have a sec?**

**SUE: Sure, buddy. Come on in.**

**[CUT TO: EXT. SIDEWALK - DAY. EMMA steps in a large wad of chewing gum. She freaks out and sits down on a nearby bench. WILL approaches.]**

**WILL: Hey, Emma, you got a second? What is that, gum?**

**[CUT TO: INT. SUE’S OFFICE - DAY.]**

"Why does it keep switching scenes!" David groaned throwing his head back and Nick giggled. 

**SUE: So, you want to talk to my Cheerios about joining Glee Club?**

"Oh. That's never gonna work." Kurt said. 

"How do you have Santana, Quinn and Brittney on New Directions then?" Blaine asked and Kurt smiled knowingly. 

"You'll see."  

**WILL: Well, I need more kids - performers - and all the best ones are in the Cheerios, so I figured some of them might want to double up.**

**SUE: Okay, so what you’re doing right now is called blurring the lines. High school is a caste system. Kids fall into certain slots. Your jocks and your popular kids up in the penthouse. The invisibles and the kids playing live-action out in the forest: bottom floor.**

**WILL: And… where do the Glee kids lie?**

**SUE: Sub-basement.**

The Warblers looked slightly offended but Kurt was shaking with laughter, 

**[CUT TO: EXT. SIDEWALK - DAY. WILL is trying to scrape the gum off EMMA’s shoe.]**

**EMMA: Sue’s not wrong, but I don’t think anything is set in stone. I mean, you know, kids are going to do what they think is cool, which is not always who they are. You just need to find a way to get them out of their boxes.**

**WILL: Well, how do I do that?**

**EMMA: They follow the leader. You know, if you can get a couple of the popular kids to sign up, the rest will fall right in line.**

"Oh." Blaine said and Kurt smiled pecking him on the lips. 

**[CUT TO: EXT. FOOTBALL FIELD - DAY. WILL is jogging alongside KEN’s golf cart.]**

**WILL: I just want to talk to them.**

**KEN: I don’t know, dude. I can’t see any of my guys wanting to join Glee Club. Last month, they held down one of their teammates, shaved off his eyebrows just because he watched Grey’s Anatomy.**

"And that's okay? He's okay with that?" Wes shouted and Kurt and Nick both flinched. 

" _Wesley,_ relax." Blaine growled and Wes calmed down immediately. 

Kurt was shaking slightly but his voice was somehow steadier than they've ever heard it. "You guys are going to have a ball if this goes for how long I think it will." 

**WILL: Look, all I’m looking for is an introduction.**

**KEN: Fine. You got to put a good word in for me with Emma.**

**[CUT TO: EXT. SIDEWALK - DAY. WILL finishes scraping the gum off EMMA’s shoe.]**

**WILL: There you go, Cinderella.**

**EMMA: Thank you. I have trouble with things like that. The, um… the… the messy things.**

**WILL: Yeah.**

**EMMA: It’s really nice how much you care about Glee, about the kids.**

**[CUT TO: INT. SUE’S OFFICE - DAY.]**

**SUE: If you really care about these kids, you’ll leave well enough alone. Children like to know where they stand, so let your little Glee kids have their little club, but don’t pretend that any of them are something they’re not.**

**[CUT TO: INT. BOYS LOCKER ROOM - DAY. KEN is standing at the front of the room with WILL. The football team is scattered around.]**

**KEN: Circle up. Mr. Schuester is going to talk to you. If you don’t listen, you do laps. You mouth off, you do laps. Got it? They’re all yours, Will.**

**WILL: Thanks, Ken. Hey, guys, how you doing? Uh, I think I recognize some of you from Spanish class, but, uh, I’m… I’m here today to talk to you about something different: music. Glee Club needs guys.**

**PUCK: I can sing.**

**WILL: Really? That’s fantastic.**

"Oh no." 

**PUCK: You wanna hear?**

**WILL: Yeah.**

**[PUCK walks to the front of the locker room amid applause from the other football players. He lets out a loud fart.]**

"Very mature Noah." Kurt muttered.

**PUCK: Ohhh yeah.**

**WILL: I’m going to put the sign-up sheet at the door to the so if anyone wants to sign up, please… Thank you.**

**KEN: Dismissed. Puck, in my office in five minutes.**

**WILL: You been sleeping okay? Your eyes look a little bloodshot.**

**KEN: I got allergies.**

**WILL: Okay. Thanks a lot.**

**[CUT TO: INT. BOYS LOCKER ROOM - DAY. The New Directions sign-up sheet has three names: Gaylord Weiner, Butt Lunch, and Penis. WILL stares at the sheet, dismayed.]**

**WILL: (voice over) I honestly thought that was the end of the very brief fever dream that was “New Directions”.**

**[WILL hears someone singing REO Speedwagon’s “Can’t Fight This Feeling”. He finds FINN in the showers, singing to himself.]**

**WILL: (voice over) I suddenly realized why I had wanted to do this thing in the first place. It was seeing the gift in a kid that they didn’t even know they had. It was pure talent. What I did then… was the blackest moment of my life**.

"Oh gosh. I never actually knew how he got Finn to join." Kurt said excitedly. 

[ **CUT TO: INT. WILL’S OFFICE - DAY. WILL shows FINN the packet of marijuana that SANDY gave him.]**

**WILL: You want to tell me how long you’ve had a drug problem?**

"Oh my gosh, he didn't!" Jeff howled in laughter falling against Nick who was also bubbling with laughter.

"That's crazy!" Kurt gasped shaking against Blaine.

**FINN: I don’t even know who the Chronic Lady is.**

**WILL: Look, if it were up to me, we wouldn’t have mandatory bi-weekly afternoon locker checks.**

**FINN: But I’ve never seen that before, Mr. Schue, I swear. It’s not mine. I’ll pee in a cup. I’ll pee.**

"Poor Finn." Nick murmured finally done laughing.

**WILL: Look, it… it wouldn’t make any difference. Possession is eight-tenths of the law. I’m pretty sure that much pot is a felony. Yeah. Look, you’ll get kicked out of school. You’ll lose your football scholarship.**

**FINN: Wait… I had a football scholarship? To… to where?**

"Did he really make up a football scholarship? Your teacher is badass Kurt." Thad laughed. 

"Former teacher." Trent reminded softly and Kurt smiled. 

**WILL: You could land in prison, son.**

**FINN: Oh my God. Please, don’t tell my mom.**

**WILL: Look, I see a lot of myself in you, Finn. I know what it’s like to struggle to make good life choices, and I don’t want to see you throw away everything you have to offer the world. I just expected more out of you, Finn.**

**FINN: (voice over) That really got to me when Mr. Schuester said that, because every day of my life, I expect more out of myself. See, I might look confident and everything, but I really struggle with the same thing others kids do: peer pressure, bacne.**

"TMI." Kurt groaned and flopped back onto the couch dramatically. 

**[CUT TO: INT. FINN’S HOUSE - DAY. A young FINN looks at a photograph of his father.]**

**FINN: (voice over) I never knew my dad. He died in Iraq when we were fighting Osama bin Laden the first time.**

Kurt sat up and payed close attention. His brother may be dumb, but he still wanted to know about his life. 

**[Young FINN plays the drums. FINN’s mother CAROLE HUDSON is trying to talk on the phone.]**

**CAROLE: Hold on, hold on. Finn, Finn, Finn! Please, I’m on the phone. I just want to trade next Saturday’s shift for this Saturday, because Finn’s got a parents night for Cub Scouts.**

**FINN: (voice over) My mom and me, we’re real close, but being a single parent can be hard. The only good time for Mom was en we splurged a little bit and ordered Emerald Dreams.**

**[CUT TO: EXT. FINN’S HOUSE - DAY. Emerald Dreams employee DARREN is spraying the Hudsons’ front lawn. Young FINN is helping him. CAROLE is sitting close by.]**

**FINN: (voice over) Darren was good to her, and he was cool about letting me hang out.**

**[Young FINN and DARREN sing Journey’s “Lovin’, Touchin’, Squeezin’”.]**

**FINN: (voice over) That was the first time I really heard music. Man, it set my soul on fire.**

**DARREN: You got a voice, buddy. Seriously, if I had that voice, my band would still be together. Stick with it.**

**[CUT TO: EXT. FINN’S HOUSE - DAY. DARREN drives by with his new girlfriend.]**

**FINN: (voice over) My mom took it real hard when Darren left her for that girl he met at Pick & Save.**

"That sucks." Ethan tisked while David hummed along to the song. 

**[CAROLE throws a milk jug at DARREN’s truck, upset.]**

**FINN: (voice over) It was at that moment I decided to do whatever it took to make my mom proud of me. To make her feel all her sacrifice was worth it.**

"He seems okay, except for the bullying thing." Wes shrugged. 

Kurt winced but didn't say anything. 

**[CUT TO: INT. WILL’S OFFICE - DAY.]**

**WILL: We have two options here. I’m running detention now, so you can do six weeks after school, but that’s gonna remain on your permanent record.**

**FINN: What’s the other option, Mr. Schue?**

**[CUT TO: INT. AUDITORIUM - DAY. FINN starts singing “You’re the One that I Want” from Grease. RACHEL perks up and joins in, excited. After a moment, MERCEDES breaks them up.]**

"OH MY GOD!" Jeff yelled and everyone looked at him. 

"How did she touch your hair, and live?" he asked and Kurt's face turned thoughtful for a moment. 

"I just wasn't expecting it, and that's Rachel. You can't honestly argue with her and  not have your head explode from irritation."

"I can touch his hair and live." Blaine boasted before grabbing Kurt and pulling him in for a heated kiss. 

Jeff grumbled and rolled his eyes. 

**MERCEDES: Oh, hell to the no. Look, I’m not down with this background singing nonsense. I’m Beyonce. I ain’t no Kelly Rowland.**

"I like her." David said approvingly and Kurt smirked. 

**WILL: Okay, look, Mercedes, it’s just one song.**

**KURT: And it’s the first time we’ve been kind of good.**

"I bet you  _have_  sounded good before, they just haven't put Kurt in the lead." Thad argued and Kurt blushed. 

**MERCEDES: Okay, you’re good, white boy. I’ll give you that. But you better bring it. Let’s run it again.**

"White boy.." Trent questioned. 

"Term of endearment. Mercedes loves us." Kurt said banishing Trent's unfounded worries. 

**WILL: All right, let’s do it. From the top.**

**[CUT TO: INT. TERRI’S CRAFT ROOM - NIGHT. TERRI and WILL are putting together a jigsaw puzzle.]**

**WILL: You usually don’t let me in your craft room.**

**TERRI: Isn’t this fun? And challenging. Every Wednesday, we’re gonna have puzzle night. Because I know how important it is for you to have a creative outlet.**

**WILL: You know, the kids have been working so hard. I was thinking about taking them on a field trip next Saturday. Carmel High’s performing a showcase down in Akron. Now, Carmel’s gonna be the team to beat at regionals. And I was wondering if you might want to come chaperone it with me.**

**TERRI: On Saturday? Oh, I can’t. I had to pick up an extra shift at work, Will. We’re living paycheck to paycheck, you know.**

**WILL: And how much of that paycheck goes to your Pottery Barn credit card?**

**TERRI: I don’t know what you’re talking about.**

**[WILL stands up and heads toward a closet.]**

**TERRI: Don’t go in the Christmas closet!**

**[WILL opens up the closet, revealing things TERRI has purchased without his knowledge.]**

"Woah. She could supply an art classroom for a year with all that." Kurt gaped.

**WILL: I was looking for my jacket the other day. We cannot afford this stuff, Terri.**

**TERRI: Oh, we could, Will. Yes, I am a shoo-in to be promoted during the Christmas week at Sheets N’ Things. You know, I reek of management potential. And they’re hiring at H.W. Menken.**

**WILL: My passion is teaching, Terri. For the last time, I don’t want to be an accountant.**

**TERRI: Dr. Phil said that people could change. You know, it’s not a bad thing to want a real life, Will, and to have a glue gun that works! You know, it’s really hard for me not having the things that I need.**

"Does she really need a glue gun though?" Cameron asked in disbelief. 

**WILL: Oh! And you need three mahogany toilet brush holders?!**

**TERRI: They’re Balinese! It is not a bad thing to want things, Will. You know, I understand your interest in these kids, Will. I really do. Yeah. It’s your way of recapturing your glory days. But I’m not the high school cheerleader anymore, and you are not the golden boy. High school’s over… for both of us. It’s time that you move on.**

**[CUT TO: INT. TEACHERS LOUNGE - DAY. KEN is staring at EMMA while shredding papers. EMMA is staring at WILL, who is putting up a sign-up sheet for chaperones. Once WILL leaves, EMMA walks up to the sheet and puts her name down.]**

"That was almost enough staring to make me have a Twilight flashback." Nick joked. 

**[CUT TO: EXT. FOOTBALL FIELD - DAY. PUCK is throwing footballs at another football player’s head. He notices KEN yelling at FINN.]**

**KEN: You’re the quarterback! No. I don’t want to hear it. You make your decision. You’re a football player, or you’re a singer.**

**[FINN walks by. PUCK catches up to him.]**

**PUCK: Hey. What’s going on?**

**FINN: Oh. I just… I have to miss practice Saturday afternoon. It’s, uh… it’s my mom. I got to help her… cook and, uh, do things.**

**PUCK: Why?**

**FINN: She just had, uh, surgery.**

**PUCK: What kind of surgery?**

**FINN: Uh, well, she, um, had to have her prostate out.**

"Oh Finn." Kurt sighed and Blaine sniggered.

**PUCK: Man, that’s a tough break.**

**FINN: Yeah, it’s, uh, engorged.**

"Just quit while you're ahead dude." Ethan groaned. 

**[CUT TO: EXT. FOOTBALL FIELD - DAY.]**

**SUE: You think this is hard? I’m living with hepatitis. That’s hard.**

"Does she always do that?" Jeff asked and Kurt nodded. 

"She is proud of us though. 

"Us?" Wes gasped and Kurt immediately turned red. 

"Nope, I said them, I didn't say us." Kurt protested and Blaine gasped. 

"Were you a Cheerio?" Blaine asked but Kurt stayed silent.

**[CUT TO: INT. TEACHERS LOUNGE - DAY. KEN enters and slaps away the book that WILL was reading.]**

"That's rude." 

**KEN: You stole my quarterback.**

**WILL: Okay, look. Finn’s got a great voice. He just wants to express himself.**

**KEN: You’re screwing up my life.**

**WILL: Okay, Ken? You hate football. What’s this really about?**

"How can the football coach hate football?" Nick wondered and Blaine just shrugged. 

**[CUT TO: EXT. PARKING LOT - DAY. EMMA is disinfecting the door handle of her car. KEN approaches.]**

**KEN: Hey, M &M. So, I got tickets to Monster Trucks this weekend. Luge tickets.**

"Even I know that a girl wouldn't like that." Blaine commented. 

**"You just have to find the right girl." Kurt said thinking of Lauren, his replacement.**

**EMMA: No thanks. Not really my thing.**

**KEN: Truckzilla versus Truckasaurus, and get this: the trucks breathe fire.**

**EMMA: Ken. Look, you know how every time you ask me out, I tell you that I’m on my period?**

**KEN: Which doesn’t bother me.**

**EMMA: Or I’m suffering from cluster headaches, or I’m allergic to nighttime? Those things–not really true. I’m just not interested in dating you.**

"Allergic to nighttime? And he  _bought_ it?" Flint asked in honest disbelief and Kurt sighed. 

**KEN: How do I get you… into my hatchback?**

"Not like  _that_." Blaine groaned. 

**EMMA: Okay, Ken, fine, you know what, make me say it: I like somebody else. All right? Nothing I can do about it because they’re unavailable, so I have to deal with that, but–**

**[KEN licks his hand and rubs it all over EMMA’s car door handle.]**

"That's terrible." Nick muttered.

"Not to mention disgusting." Jeff agreed. 

**[CUT TO: INT. TEACHERS LOUNGE - DAY.]**

**KEN: You’re right. I’m overreacting. The herd will take care of it.**

**WILL: The herd?**

**KEN: The student body. The second someone tries to rise above - be different - the herd pulls them back in. So. Oh, and by the way, thanks for putting a good word in for me with Emma, buddy. I guess you just want her for yourself, huh? Adios, amigo.**

**[CUT TO: INT. CARMEL HIGH SCHOOL - DAY. RACHEL and FINN are in line for snacks. WILL and EMMA are behind them.]**

**RACHEL: You’re very talented.**

**FINN: Really?**

**RACHEL: Yeah. I would know. I’m very talented, too. I think the rest of the team expects us to become an item. You, the hot male lead, and me, the stunning young ingenue everyone roots for.**

"Here she goes." Kurt sighs rolling his eyes. 

**FINN: Well, I, uh, have a girlfriend.**

**RACHEL: Really? Who?**

**FINN: Quinn Fabray.**

**RACHEL: Cheerleader Quinn Fabray? The president of the Celibacy Club?**

**[CUT TO: INT. QUINN’S HOUSE - NIGHT. FINN and QUINN are making out. FINN reaches down to touch QUINN’s butt. QUINN stops him and sits up.]**

"I really didn't need to see any of that." Blaine sighs and David turns to him. 

"Are you crazy?" He asked before turning back to the screen. 

"Nope," Blaine muttered, "just gay." Kurt, who heard his statement, laughed and pressed a kiss to his cheek. 

**QUINN: Wait. Let’s pray.**

**[CUT TO: INT. CARMEL HIGH SCHOOL - DAY.]**

**FINN: For almost four months now. She’s cool. Mmm, I wonder if they have Sour Patch Kids.**

**[RACHEL and FINN move forward in line.]**

**WILL: Those kielbasas look like they’ve been in there a while.**

**EMMA: Do you want to go halvsies on a PB and J?**

**WILL: That sounds perfect.**

**EMMA: Yeah?**

**WILL: Yeah. Let’s go. (to people in line) Sorry. Excuse me.**

"Why is that so cute?" Ethan asked but no one had an answer for them. 

**[WILL and EMMA sit down together.]**

**WILL: I haven’t had a peanut butter and jelly sandwich in a really long time.**

**EMMA: Really?**

**WILL: Yeah. My wife’s allergic to nuts.**

**EMMA: Well, that’s really sweet, though–not eating something because she can’t.**

**WILL: Oh, yeah.**

**EMMA: It’s really nice. Oh, that’s really noisy. But they’re clean.**

**[EMMA gives WILL half of her sandwich.]**

**WILL: Oh, my gosh.**

**EMMA: How, um… How long have you two been married?**

**WILL: Mm, five years last March.**

**EMMA: Really?**

**WILL: Yeah. But we’ve been together since high school. I mean, she was my first girlfriend, actually.**

**EMMA: Was it love at first sight?**

**WILL: For me it was. I don’t know. She used to be filled with so much joy.**

**EMMA: And now?**

"She's kinda  _crazy_." Kurt muttered under his breath. 

**[The lights flicker.]**

**WILL: Oh. Showtime. You don’t want to hear about my marital problems.**

**EMMA: Oh, no, I do. I-I do. I mean, I-I’d love to hear. You… I mean, I’m not happy that you have marital problems, but people talk to me a lot ‘cause I’m a guidance counselor.**

**WILL: Okay, here’s the thing. Terri rides me hard, and I’ve always appreciated it. I figure she just wants me to be better, you know? But lately, though, I keep asking myself, better at what? Making money? Being upwardly mobile? I don’t know. I-I love her. Don’t get me wrong. We just got to get back on the same page.**

**EMMA: Do you like the sandwich?**

"Great subject change." Jeff said sarcastically and Wes turned to David, "She's supposed to be their guidance counselor?" 

**WILL: Oh my God, it’s like the best I’ve ever had.**

**[CUT TO: INT. CARMEL HIGH SCHOOL AUDITORIUM - DAY. WILL, EMMA, and the New Directions are seated together, about to watch Carmel High’s glee club perform. WILL leans over to the others.]**

**WILL: Hey, guys, so this is supposed to be our competition, but, uh, I honestly don’t think that they’ve got the talent that we’ve got. But let’s be a good audience, all right? Give 'em some of that old McKinley High respect.**

**ANNOUNCER: Please give a warm Buckeye State welcome to last year’s regional champions, Vocal Adrenaline!**

**[Vocal Adrenaline performs Amy Winehouse’s “Rehab”. It is amazing. Everyone cheers. New Directions is stunned.]**

**TINA: We’re d-d-doomed.**

"Ugh, I forgot how annoying that is." Kurt grumbled and Blaine frowned having just realised. 

_Why is Tina stuttering?_

[ **CUT TO: EXT. CARMEL HIGH SCHOOL - DAY. FINN walks past a group of Carmel High drummers. PUCK and a few football players are waiting for him around the corner with paintball guns.]**

Kurt stiffened and Blaine automatically grabbed his hand. 

**PUCK: Chicks don’t have prostates. I looked it up. You broke the rules, Finn, and for that, you must be punished.**

**[The football players hold up their paintball guns and surround FINN.]**

**FINN: Wait. Wait. Wait. Wait. You’ve got the power here, okay? You-you don’t have to do this.**

**[The football players open fire.]**

**[CUT TO: INT. WILL’S APARTMENT - NIGHT. WILL enters. TERRI is waiting for him with champagne. A banner that reads “Congratulations” is hanging in the doorway.]**

**TERRI: There’s my baby.**

**WILL: Wow, honey. This is amazing. What-what’s the congratulations for? The kids haven’t won anything yet.**

**TERRI: I’m pregnant.**

"Aww, I really liked him with Miss. Pillsbury." 

**WILL: Really?**

**TERRI: Yeah.**

**WILL: Terri, don’t mess with me. Oh my God, this is amazing. We’re going to be a family. Oh my God. Oh! Can’t believe it.**

**[CUT TO: INT. AUDITORIUM - DAY. WILL is breaking the bad news to the New Directions.]**

**ARTIE: You’re leaving us? When?**

**WILL: Well, I’ve given my two weeks’ notice, but I promise I’m gonna find you guys a great replacement before I go.**

**MERCEDES: Is this 'cause those Carmel kids were so good? Because we can work harder.**

**RACHEL: This isn’t fair, Mr. Schuester. We can’t do this without you.**

**FINN: So does that mean that I don’t have to be in the club anymore or…?**

**WILL: This isn’t about you guys. Being an adult is about having to make difficult choices. It’s not like high school. Sometimes you have to give up the things that you love. One day you guys are going to grow up and understand that. I have loved being your teacher.**

**[CUT TO: INT. AUDITORIUM - DAY. WILL is packing up his things. He picks up his guitar and starts singing John Denver’s “Leaving on a Jet Plane”.**

**[CUT TO: EXT. MCKINLEY HIGH - DAY. EMMA draws a heart around WILL’s face in the yearbook.]**

"That's so sweet. And sad." Trent said slightly bummed out. 

**[CUT TO: INT. CLASSROOM - DAY. WILL fills out a job application for H.W. Menken.]**

**[CUT TO: INT. TEACHERS LOUNGE - DAY. EMMA overhears other teachers talking about WILL.]**

**TEACHER: I heard he’s having a baby. That’s why he gave Figgins his notice.**

**[CUT TO: INT. CLASSROOM - DAY. WILL finishes filling out his job application. EMMA walks up to him.]**

**EMMA: Need help grading those papers?**

**WILL: It’s actually an application for H.W. Menken. They’re hiring. Come on. Accounting is sexy. I’ll miss you.**

**EMMA: Before you leave, can you do me a favor?**

**WILL: Yeah.**

**EMMA: I made an appointment for you tomorrow in the career center. You need some guidance.**

**WILL: I’m having a kid, Emma. What I need is better benefits.**

**EMMA: Just come, Will, for me.**

**[CUT TO: INT. HALLWAY - DAY. FINN shuts his locker and finds RACHEL standing there.]**

**RACHEL: Didn’t see you at Glee Club today.**

**FINN: Is that still happening?**

**RACHEL: I’ve taken over. I’m interim director, but I expect the position will become permanent.**

"Oh gosh, she was ridiculous." Kurt laughed. 

**[QUINN and SANTANA enter.]**

**QUINN: Hi, Finn. (to RACHEL) RuPaul.**

**FINN: Hey.**

**QUINN: What are you doing talking to her?**

**RACHEL: Science project–we’re partners.**

**QUINN: Christ Crusaders tonight at 5, my house.**

**FINN: Sounds great.**

**[QUINN and SANTANA exit.]**

**FINN: Look, I-I should go. I can’t do Glee anymore. It conflicts with…**

**RACHEL: Your reputation? You’ve really got something, Finn, and you’re throwing it away.**

**FINN: I-I’m going to be late.**

**RACHEL: You can’t keep worrying about what people think of you, Finn. You’re better than all of them.**

"Good advice." Wes said eyeing Nick and kurt. 

[ **CUT TO: EXT. FOOTBALL FIELD - DAY. Football players are rehearsing. FINN and PUCK are talking.]**

**PUCK: What do you want me to do, apologize? That’s not me, dude. Look, if I joined the flag team, you’d beat the crap out of me. I just don’t understand why you did it.**

**FINN: Schuester told me it’d give me enough extra credit to pass Spanish if I joined the club, okay? I… I didn’t have a choice. If I failed another class, I’d be off the team. Look, it’s over, okay? I quit. Anything else?**

**PUCK: No, that’s it. And as a welcome back to the world of the normal… I got you a present.**

**[PUCK walks ahead. FINN hears a sound.]**

**FINN: What’s that noise?**

**[ARTIE is trapped inside a portable toilet.]**

**ARTIE: Help, help! Help!**

"Oh my god." Ethan mumbled and Flint turned bright green. 

Blaine watches Kurt but he seems fine enough, he is  _really_  focused on filing his nails though. Wes, David, Thad and Cameron's faces were red with rage while Jeff tried to comfort a shaking Nick. Blaine doesn't even know that he's trembling until Kurt wraps a pair strong arms around him. Blaine buries his head into Kurt's neck, shame pooling in his stomach for accepting comfort from someone who probably needed it more. 

"It's fine. This is like childsplay compared to what I've been through." Kurt murmured into Blaine's ear and for some reason that only made Blaine want to sob more.  

**[FINN walks up to the group of portable toilets. PUCK and other football players are standing nearby.]**

**FINN: What’s going on?**

**PUCK: We got that wheelchair kid inside. We’re going to flip it.**

**FINN: Isn’t that kind of dangerous?**

"He could die." Thad growled. 

**PUCK: He’s already in a wheelchair. Come on, dude, we saved you the first roll.**

**[FINN shakes his head. He opens the portable toilet and pulls ARTIE out.]**

**ARTIE: Thank you. Thank you so much. Thank you. Oh my God, the smell.**

**PUCK: What the hell, dude? I can’t believe you’re helping out this loser.**

**FINN: Don’t you get it, man? We’re all losers–everyone in this school. Hell, everyone in this town. Out of all the kids who graduate, maybe half will go to college, and two will leave the state to do it. I’m not afraid of being called a loser 'cause I can accept that that’s what I am. But I am afraid of turning my back on something that actually made me happy for the first time in my sorry life.**

"Wow, that was impressive." Kurt said absentmindedly, still running his hands through Blaine's curls. 

**PUCK: So what? Are you quitting to join Homo Explosion?**

"That's offensive." Jeff huffed. 

**FINN: No. I’m doing both. 'Cause you can’t win without me and neither can they.**

**[FINN wheels ARTIE away. In the distance, DARREN, the Emerald Dreams employee from FINN’s childhood is spraying the football field and singing Journey.]**

"There is a lot of Journey huh?" Cameron observed and for some reason that made Kurt laugh. 

**[CUT TO: INT. AUDITORIUM - DAY. RACHEL and the rest of New Directions are arguing when FINN wheels ARTIE in.]**

**RACHEL: Look, you guys, these steps are not hard. I’ve been doing them since preschool.**

**KURT: I’m sorry, did I miss the election for queen? Because I didn’t vote for you.**

"Sassy Kurt is best Kurt." Flint praised and Kurt rolled his eyes. 

**RACHEL: I know what I’m talking about. I won my first dance competition when I was three months old.**

**KURT: (to FINN) This is a closed rehearsal.**

"Oh snap." 

**FINN: Look, I owe you guys an apology. I never should have quit. I don’t want to be the guy that just drives around throwing eggs at people.**

**RACHEL: That was you?**

**KURT: You and your friends threw pee balloons at me.**

"What?" Blaine cried out stricken. 

Kurt nodded absently, pulling Blaine down so his head was in his lap. "Quite disgusting, I was traumatized for weeks." He commented calmly. All the Warbler stared at him wondering how he got through all of this alone. 

_Oh, they don't even know._

**FINN: I know.**

**KURT: You nailed all my lawn furniture to my roof.**

**FINN: I wasn’t actually there for that, but I’m really sorry. Look, that isn’t who I am, and I’m tired of it. This is what I want to be doing, with you guys. I used to think that this was like, the lamest thing on Earth, and maybe it is, but… we’re all here for the same reason–'cause we want to be good at something. Artie, you play guitar, right? Think you could recruit the jazz band?**

**ARTIE: I do have pull there.**

**FINN: All right. Mercedes, we need new costumes, and they have to be cool. Can you do that?**

**MERCEDES: Damn, don’t you see what I got on?**

**FINN: Rachel, you can do choreography. Tina, what are you good at?**

**TINA: I-I…**

**FINN: We’ll figure something out for you.**

**MERCEDES: And what are you bringing to the table, Justin Timberlake?**

**FINN: I’ve got the music.**

**[CUT TO: INT. TEACHERS LOUNGE - DAY. WILL and EMMA are sitting together at a table.]**

**EMMA: I want to show you something. I did a little research… and this is a tape I found in the library of the '93 team at nationals.**

**[EMMA plays the tape for WILL.]**

**EMMA: Do you know who that is? That’s you, Will. That’s you happier than I’ve ever seen you.**

**WILL: That was the greatest moment of my life.**

**EMMA: Why?**

**WILL: Because I loved what I was doing. I knew before we were halfway through with that number that we were going to win. Being a part of that, in that moment, I knew who I was in the world. And the only time I’ve felt that way since then was when Terri told me I was going to be a father. No. No, I need to provide for my family.**

"Is there this much drama every week?" Trent asked stressed out. 

"This is a calm week for us." Kurt shrugged. 

**EMMA: But provide what exactly? The understanding that money is the most important thing? Or the idea that the only life worth living is one that you’re really passionate about?**

"That's why she's our counselor." Kurt said proud and Wes ducked his head. 

**[CUT TO: INT. HALLWAY - DAY. WILL is walking away when he hears music from the auditorium.]**

**[CUT TO: INT. AUDITORIUM - DAY. The New Directions perform Journey’s “Don’t Stop Believin’”. WILL watches them perform. SUE, QUINN, and SANTANA watch from the rafters. PUCK from one of the exits. When they’re done, WILL claps.]**

**WILL: Good, guys. It’s a nine. We need a ten. Rachel, you need to hit the ones and the fives. Finn, I think if we worked on it, you could hit a high “B.”**

**FINN: So does this mean you’re staying?**

**WILL: It would kill me to see you win nationals without me.  From the top.**

The screen when dark and then it was over. 


	2. Showmance

The Warbler were all processing what they had seen when Kurt's phone chimed with a text. 

"Mercedes is here...and she brought everyone!" Kurt exclaimed happily. Blaine pushed himself off of Kurt's lap and offered to go down and get the group with him. 

"No thanks," Kurt declined, "I think I'll take care of this one." Kurt stood up and practically ran off, filled with new energy. 

About five minutes later the large group of kids made their way into the room. Rachel, Sam, Mercedes, Finn, Quinn, Artie, Santana, Brittany, Mike, Tina, Lauren and Puck. 

Nick and Jeff looked at Puck wary and Thad and Wes glared at him but they relaxed slightly when they saw the way he had slung a protective arm around Kurt's shoulder.

"So," Tina started, and the Warblers were confused when she seemed confident, "Someone made a  _movie_  about us?" Rachel cut in, her eyes as round as dinner plates. 

"Sue filmed us. All of us." Kurt corrected, slipping out from under Puck's arm and back into Blaine's. 

"Well then," Mercedes smiled, "what are we waiting for?" 

**EXT. SCHOOL PARKING LOT – DAY**

**[WILL pulls into the school parking lot in his car. His license plate reads “glee.” He exits the car and walks toward the school. RACHEL approaches and walks alongside him.]**

**RACHEL: Mr. Schuester!**

**WILL: Yeah?**

**RACHEL: I went to the library and I got some sheet music, and I wanted to run some songs by you that feature me heavily on lead vocal.**

"I see that Man Hands over here was still a terrible diva back then too." Santana muttered and Rachel frowned. 

"I wasn't that bad right?... _Right?"_

**WILL: Thanks, Rach, but I already got one picked out.**

**[FINN appears at RACHEL’s side, reaching out to wheel her schoolbag for her. WILL falls behind.]**

**FINN: Let me help you with that.**

**RACHEL: Thanks, Finn. You’re so chivalrous.**

**FINN: Thanks. That’s a good thing, right?**

"Yes Finn." Kurt sighed fondly and Finn blushed. 

**[WILL moves to walk alongside MERCEDES, ARTIE, and TINA.]**

**WILL: Morning, guys.**

**MERCEDES: Hey, Mr. Schue. We’re just learning some runs.**

**WILL: Oh, yeah?**

**MERCEDES: So it goes- (vocalizing)**

**WILL, TINA, and ARTIE: (vocalizing)**

**WILL: With the finger, huh?**

**MERCEDES: Pretty fly for a white guy.**

**WILL: Oh, thank you, thank you. Hey, don’t be late for rehearsal this afternoon.**

**MERCEDES: Okay.**

**WILL: All right.**

**[WILL separates from the three and continues walking toward the school. PUCK, KURT, and five male students in letterman jackets are standing in front of the dumpster. PUCK has his arm around KURT.]**

Puck flinched and Thad and Luke glared at him. 

"Anything to say to this pretty boy?" Logan sneered and Puck looked away ashamedly. 

"Puck...What the hell man? We spend all that time dealing with Karofsky, come to find out you're  _just_  like him." Sam fumed. 

"Sam, trust me. Noah is nothing like Karofsky." Kurt objected, spitting Karofsky's name out as if it was a curse word. 

"How did Mr. Shue never notice this?" Mercedes asked and Kurt just shrugged in response. 

**WILL: Morning, Kurt.**

**PUCK: Buenos nachos, Mr. Schue.**

**[KURT watches WILL pass with apprehension.]**

**WILL: (chuckling) Hey! Let’s go Titans.**

**PUCK: Yeah. Come on (To KURT).**

**KURT: Wait.**

**[KURT throws his bag into the arms of a jock.]**

**KURT: One day, you will all work for me.**

"Most definitely." Wes nodded at Kurt and Kurt rolled his eyes. 

"Kurt's famous one liners." Tina sighed, shaking her head. 

"Infamous." Mike corrected and Rachel giggled. 

"What's infamous?" Finn asked and Santana groaned. 

**[PUCK and another student lift KURT and toss him into the dumpster.]**

**CUT TO:**

**EXT/INT. SCHOOL HALLWAY – DAY**

**[WILL walks down the hall and turns to address a student.]**

**WILL: Diana, thank you so much for that apple. It was very, very nice of you. All right? (chuckles)**

**[EMMA stands at the top of the stairs, looking at her watch before rounding the corner.  She approaches WILL as he walks toward her with his head down, and they collide.]**

**WILL: Oh!**

**EMMA: (gasping) Oh, Will! Oh, gosh.**

"Yously  _dog._ " Santana muttered approvingly. 

"I thought it was sly fox?" Brittany asked innocently and Santana nodded. 

"Of course." She agreed pressing a quick kiss to her cheek.

**WILL: Hey, Emma.**

**EMMA: Hi.**

**WILL: Hey. I wanted to thank you so much for the advice you gave me the other day. I mean, teaching here and coaching Glee Club – It’s where I belong.**

**EMMA: Oh, it’s no problem. I mean, it’s what I do. You know, I give counsel and give guidance. I’m a guidance counselor.**

**WILL: Yeah, you are.**

**EMMA: Oh, look. We match. Periwinkle.**

**WILL: Yeah.**

**[SANTANA and QUINN appear at the top of the stairs and walk by. SANTANA rolls her eyes.]**

**SANTANA: (sardonically) Get a room.**

**QUINN: Ms. Sylvester wants to see you in her office, Mr. Shue. She doesn’t like to be kept waiting.**

**WILL: You got it.**

**[WILL chuckles nervously.]**

**__**

**CUT TO:**

**INT. SUE’S OFFICE – DAY**

**[School bell rings. WILL opens the door.]**

**WILL: Hey, Sue. You want to see me?**

**SUE: Hey, buddy. Come on in.**

**[SUE, dismounting the elliptical she had been using, wipes her face with a towel.]**

**SUE: (groans) I just blasted my hammies.**

"Oookay then." David says, nose wrinkling in discomfort. 

"You get used to her," Santana commented, a devilish smile on her lips, "especially on the Cheerios! don't you porcelain?"

"I don't know what you're talking about Satan." Kurt gritted and Blaine's face lit up. 

"Kurttt" Blaine sang but he just scowled. 

"No." 

**WILL: Oh.**

**SUE: (laughs) Iron tablet?**

**[SUE tosses a bottle of pills to WILL.]**

**WILL: Uh-**

**SUE: Keeps your strength up while you’re menstruating.**

**WILL: I don’t menstruate.**

**SUE: Yeah? Neither do I. So, I had a little chat with Principle Figgins and he said that if your group doesn’t place at regionals, he’s cutting the program. (sarcastically) Ouch.**

**WILL: You know, you don’t have to worry about Glee Club. We’re gonna be fine.**

**SUE: Really? ‘Cause I was at the local library, where I read _Cheerleading Today_ aloud to blind geriatrics, and I came across this little page-turner.**

**[SUE walks over to her desk and retrieves a book, displaying the cover to WILL.]**

**SUE: _Show Choir Rule Book._ And it turns out, you need 12 kids to qualify for regionals. Last time I looked, you only had five and a half. Here.**

**[SUE hands WILL the book.]**

**SUE: (explaining her earlier comment) Cripple in the wheelchair. I also took the liberty of highlighting some special ed classes for you. Maybe you could find some recruits.**

**[SUE hands WILL a slip of paper and picks up a pair of hand weights. She lifts them into the air repeatedly while continuing the conversation.]**

**SUE: ‘Cause I’m not sure there’s anybody else who’s gonna wanna swim over to your island of misfit toys.**

"Misfit toy. Huh, I kinda like that." Finn hummed and Kurt shook his head no. 

"Nude Erections is bad enough thank you." 

**WILL: Are you threatening me, Sue?**

**SUE: Threatening you? Oh, no, no, no. Presenting you with an opportunity to compromise yourself? You betcha.**

**[SUE sets the weights down.]**

**SUE: Let’s break it down. You want to be creative. You want to be in the spotlight. Face it. You want to be me.**

**[WILL stifles a chuckle.]**

**SUE: So here’s the deal. You do with your depressing little group of kids what I did with my wealthy, elderly mother. Euthanize it. It’s time. And then I’ll be happy to offer you a job as my second assistant on Cheerios. You can fetch me Gatorade and launder my soiled delicates. It’ll be very rewarding work for you.**

**WILL: You know what, Sue? I politely decline your offer. Glee Club is here to stay. I believe in my kids. I know you’re used to be the cock of the walk around here.**

**SUE: Offensive.**

"She  _can't_ be talking." Mercedes huffed. 

"Every other sentence out of her mouth is offensive." Flint frowned. 

**WILL: But it looks like your Cheerios are gonna have some competition. We’re gonna show at regionals. You have my word on that.**

**[WILL tosses the pills back to Sue and opens the door.]**

**WILL: Have a good day.**

**[WILL exits. SUE smiles to herself.]**

**__**

**CUT TO:**

**INT. SCHOOL HALLWAY – DAY**

**[Bell rings.  QUINN and FINN are having a conversation as FINN retrieves books from his locker. RACHEL is at her own locker a few feet from them, facing away. She angles a small mirror in her hand to watch the exchange behind her.]**

**QUINN: We are in line to be the most popular kids in the school over the next couple years.**

**FINN: Yeah, I know.**

**QUINN: Prom king and queen. Homecoming court royalty. I am not giving up those shiny crowns just so you can express yourself.**

"Oh, I was a bitch." Quinn realised suddenly. 

"Well, kinda, but we love you anyway," Finn said with a kind smile. 

**FINN: Look, you’re making too big a deal out of this.**

**[RACHEL closes her mirror and settles for listening intently.]**

**QUINN: Okay. Let’s compromise. If you quit the club, I’ll let you touch my breast.**

**FINN: Under the shirt?**

**QUINN: Over the bra.**

"At least think about it." Luke joked and Reid punched his arm.

**[FINN pauses, momentarily conflicted.]**

**FINN: No. No, I can’t.**

**[QUINN scoffs.]**

**FINN: I want to do Glee. I’m really happy when I’m performing.**

"I'm sorry Finn. I didn't get it then," Quinn apologized, "But I do now." 

**QUINN: People think you’re gay now, Finn. And you know what that makes me? Your big gay beard.**

**FINN: Look. I- I gotta go to class. Okay? Just relax. Everything’s gonna work out.**

**[FINN closes his locker and exits.]**

**QUINN: (To RACHEL) Eavesdrop much? Time for some girl talk, man hands. You can dance with him. You can sing with him. But you will never have him.**

**RACHEL: I understand why you’d be threatened. Finn and I have made a connection. But I’m an honorable person. I don’t need to steal your man. I have plenty of suitors of my own. Every day Glee’s status is going up, and yours is going down. Deal with it.**

"Yes Rachel!" Trent and Nick cheered. 

**[RACHEL turns to walk away and two slushies are promptly thrown in her face. PUCK and another JOCK, the culprits, high five each other as they walk away.]**

"Oh." They mumbled and Rachel looked down, her face blazing red. 

"Don't worry Rach, everyone has their moments of terror at some point." Artie reassured and Puck smiled sheepishly. 

"Sorry Berry." 

**PUCK: Awesome.**

**JOCK: Holla!**

**[Bell rings.]**

**__**

**CUT TO:**

**INT. CHOIR ROOM - DAY**

**[The Glee Club is singing and dancing to “Le Freak” by Chic. WILL critiques them as they perform.]**

"Oh disco!" Blaine cheers the same time Kurt groans, "Ugh, disco." 

**WILL: Energy, guys! It’s disco. Good with the hands. John Travolta hands. All right. We’re freaking out. Let’s go. And up and out and down. Good. Good. Good. Good, guys.**

**[RACHEL kicks out her leg while dancing, coming uncomfortably close to MERCEDES’ face.]**

**MERCEDES: (To RACHEL) Whoa, whoa! Hell to the nah! First of all, you try to bust my face again, and I will cut you! (To WILL) And, also, this song is terrible.**

"Woah woah woah, woah woah, hell to the nu-no nu-no n-no!" Tina sang and all the New DIrections laughed. 

"Even before your hit." Quinn giggled. 

"Hey, you write about what you know about right?" She shrugged happily. 

**WILL: No, no, no. It’s not the song. You guys just need to get into it.**

**KURT: (annoyed) No, it’s the song. It’s really gay.**

"Um..." 

"I wasn't out yet Blaine." 

"Oh." 

**ARTIE: We need modern music, Mr. Schue.**

**WILL: I’m sorry, guys. We don’t have time to discuss this. We’re doing this song this Friday at the pep assembly.**

**TINA: (incredulously) In front of the whole school?**

**WILL: (mistaking her outburst for excitement) Exactly.**

**KURT: They’re gonna throw food at us. And I just had a facial.**

**RACHEL: I’ll press charges if that happens.**

**WILL: Guys. I can’t express to you how important this assembly is.**

**[FINN appears terrified.  RACHEL looks at him with concern. The rest of the club are visibly upset.]**

**WILL: We need recruits. There are six of you. We need twelve to qualify for regionals. We have no choice or the club is over. I know you guys don’t like this song, but we took nationals back in ’93 with “Freak Out.” It’s a crowd-pleaser. Trust me. From the top.**

"Crowd pleaser for  _your_ time." Wes said. "This is why we don't have a coach." He murmured to Kurt who nodded. 

**FINN: I’m dead.**

**[RACHEL continues to look concerned as the rest of the club move away.]**

**__**

**CUT TO:**

**INT. PROSPECTIVE HOME - DAY**

**[WILL and TERRI are seated in the living room of a house they would like to buy. A REALTOR stands before them with a small-scale model of the house.]**

**WILL: (voice-over) My father always said you become a man when you buy your first house. I’m not sure what he meant by that since he burned ours down once after a drunken fight with Mom.**

"Well, that sucks." Cameron winced. 

"Do you become a man when you buy your first house?" Finn asked Puck. 

"I thought it was when you buy your first car?" Artie asked with a tilt of his head. 

"No-no, it's when you have your first real job." Mike confirmed. 

"I think it's when you all  _shut up_." Santana growled. 

**REALTOR: Welcome to your little slice of the American dream.**

**TERRI: I have a question about the trees. It’s always been my personal dream to cut down my own Christmas tree. How many Christmas trees will we have in the backyard? And do they come in different colors? Because, well, obviously we’re expecting a family. And I have a real sense it might be a girl.**

"She wants to grow christmas trees in her backyard?" David clarifies and Kurt sighs.

"I cannot believe that Mr. Shue was married to  _this_  woman." Sam said shocked. 

**[As TERRI chatters on, WILL becomes more uneasy.]**

**WILL: [voice-over] Still, I can’t believe we’re actually doing this. It all happened so fast.**

**FLASHBACK TO:**

**INT. WILL’S APARTMENT, DINING ROOM - DAY**

**[WILL and TERRI are seated at the table with TERRI’s sister, KENDRA, and her husband. KENDRA’s three sons are running around the table, screaming continuously and causing damage.]**

"Ew. Children." Thad grumbled. 

**WILL: (voice-over) It all started when Terri’s sister Kendra brought her kids over for Sunday brunch.**

**KENDRA: (To TERRI) Well, I just don’t understand where you’re planning on putting the nursery.**

**TERRI: I know.**

**WILL: Well, we have a second bedroom.**

**KENDRA: You are not giving up your craft room, Terri. A mother needs her respite. That craft room is the only thing that’s gonna keep you from going all Susan Smith on that little angel. (To WILL) Postpartum runs in our family.**

**[KENDRA’s husband rises from his seat.]**

**KENDRA: Where are you going?**

**HUSBAND: (hesitantly) Bathroom. All that bran.**

**KENDRA: No, you can’t. Kyle needs his inhaler.**

"Wait, why can't he go to the bathroom?" Logan asked. 

"Because Kyle needs his inhaler," Ethan mocks, "weren't you  _listening_?" 

**[HUSBAND sits down, looking dejected. WILL lets out a scream over the noise and ends it with a laugh. He is overwhelmed by the screaming boys.]**

"I feel you Mr. Shue," Santana hums pulling out a nail file, " auntie Snixx does not  _do_  children." 

"I thought Mr. Shue already had a son?" Brittany asked and Mercedes shook her head, looking as if she's explained this millions of times. 

"Jesse St. James is not Mr. Shue's son." 

**KENDRA: Anyway, this conversation is over. They’re starting construction on a new section of our subdivision.**

**[TERRI gasps.]**

**KENDRA: You are not bringing my niece or nephew home to this apartment. When pigs fly.**

**HUSBAND: (To KENDRA) Can I eat this?**

**[WILL lets his fork drop to his plate in frustration. The screaming persists.]**

**CUT TO:**

**INT. PROSPECTIVE HOME – DAY, CONT.**

**[The REALTOR leads TERRI and WILL through the house.]**

**REALTOR: This banister was made by Ecuadorean children.**

**[TERRI gasps in excitement.]**

**WILL: It’s great, Terri, but there are nine foreclosures on our street. Why can’t we buy one of those? They’re half the price.**

**TERRI: I’m not raising my baby in a used house. They’re not clean.**

**[They enter the kitchen and TERRI gasps.]**

**TERRI: Look at the sun nook. Isn’t it beautiful?**

**WILL: Is it extra?**

**REALTOR: Mm. The price in the brochure is for the basic model. Everything else is à la carte. The grand foyer is an extra 14,000, and the sun nook is an extra 24.**

**[WILL sighs at the price.]**

**REALTOR: I’ll let you two talk.**

**TERRI: Thank you.**

**WILL: Thank you. Hmm. We can’t afford this.**

**TERRI: We already did the math, Will.  All we have to do is give up Applebee’s and we won’t run the A.C. for the first couple of summers.**

"No! Not the air conditioning!" Mike gripped and Tina giggled. 

"Air Conditioning? Boy, I'm more worried about the Applebee's." Mercedes joked. 

**WILL: Well, we certainly can’t afford the grand foyer and the sun nook. I mean, if we bite off more than we can chew, we’ll lose everything. You need to pick one.**

**TERRI: (chuckles) Come with me. I’m gonna show you something really special.**

**CUT TO:**

**INT. PROSPECTIVE HOME, BEDROOM - DAY**

**[WILL and TERRI are standing in the doorway of a bedroom decorated for a little girl.**

**TERRI: This is where our daughter or gay son will sleep. I thought maybe we could put one of those mini pianos in here and you two could put on shows for me.**

"....At least she's not homophobic?" Blaine reached and Kurt shook his head in disapproval. 

**WILL: I love it, Terri, but we still can’t afford everything.**

**[TERRI sighs.]**

**TERRI: (To herself) It’s my very own Sophie’s choice. (To WILL) Fine. I’m gonna give up the sun nook for the grand foyer. But I really need the polished door handles.**

**[WILL sighs and looks away.]**

**TERRI: Think of our family, Will. This is our dream.**

"I'm pretty sure your child that doesn't exist it gonna love those door handles." Lauran sneered. 

"Think of yourself,  _Terri-ble_. This is my dream." Kurt mimicked, getting her voice just right. 

"Sassy Kurt has entered the building." Puck announced and Jeff sighed. 

"I love sassy Kurt." Blaine mooned. 

**WILL: (voice-over) I knew in that moment that I would do whatever it took, even if it meant getting a part-time job to make some extra money to make that dream come true. (To TERRI) Let’s go sign those papers.**

**[WILL places a kiss on TERRI’s forehead and exits.]**

**TERRI: (whispering) Yes!**

"Bitch." Santana cursed and everyone turned to look at her. 

"What?" She snapped, "Just because Mr. Shue is huge hypocrite and his lessons suck ass, doesn't mean he deserves her." 

"No one does." Trent shuddered. 

"Preach." Artie said putting up a hand in agreement. 

**__**

**CUT TO:**

**INT. CHOIR ROOM - DAY**

**[KURT and MERCEDES are talking swiftly to themselves. RACHEL is sitting behind FINN in the stands, looking at him with longing.]**

**KURT: You need to call me before you dress yourself.**

**MERCEDES: Whatever. Whatever**

**KURT: You look like a Technicolor zebra.**

**MERCEDES: You’re a hater. That’s what you are.**

**KURT: I look like I’m a part of it.**

**MERCEDES: You’re trying to copy me.**

**KURT: It looks like I planned it.**

**MERCEDES: You know what, if your hair was longer, you’d have curls.**

"The start of a beautiful friendship." Kurt smiled. 

"You bet it white boy." 

**[WILL enters. TINA and ARTIE appear on screen.]**

**WILL: All right, guys. How about a little Kanye?**

"Ugh, here he goes, rapping again." Santana groaned. 

"I like it when he raps." Finn defended. 

"Cripple Mcstumbles over here can rap better than he can." Santana argued gesturing to Artie with her nail file. 

"Thanks.... I think." Artie accepted. 

"I don't think she meant that as a complement." Sam whispered to Artie and Blaine looked at Kurt helplessly. 

"How did you deal with them all the time?" He asked.

"Practice," then after a moment, "and lots of advil." 

**[WILL begins to hand out sheet music. Several students gasp in excitement.]**

**MERCEDES: For the assembly?**

**WILL: No. We won’t be ready in time. We’re still doing disco. But we can fold this into our repertoire and it’ll be awesome at regionals. Communication is the foundation of any successful music group. If we’re gonna succeed, we need to communicate. You guys said you wanted modern music, I listened.**

**ARTIE: Mr. Schue, we’d really like to not do disco at the assembly.**

**WILL: Finn, you’re gonna take the solo.**

**[RACHEL smiles at FINN. FINN looks at WILL fearfully.]**

**FINN: What? No, I- I can’t do the solo, Mr. Schue. I’m still learning how to walk and sing at the same time.**

"Hey! Same here!" Flint cheered and Mike groaned as they high fived each other. 

"That really isn't something to cheer about." Wes grimaced.

**WILL: No problem. I’ll walk you through it.**

**GLEE CLUB: Ooh!**

**MERCEDES: Challenge.**

**WILL: Hey, Mercedes. You know this?**

**MERCEDES: Oh, I got this.**

**[MERCEDES sings the opening lines to “Gold Digger” by Kanye West. The rest of the glee club, dancing in place, joins in, and WILL takes the lead.]**

"That looks like so much fun," Ethan moaned, "why can't we do any of that?" 

"Because if we did one of us might get pregnant or end up quitting or whatever other crazy stuff happens in their club." Wes said crossing his arms and Puck nodded in agreement. 

"What? That literally makes no sense." Logan said his eyebrows furrowing bemusedly. 

"Someone got pregnant?" Nick asked in shock and Quinn smiled mysteriously. 

"Yes." Rachel answered. 

"Who?" Reid asked. 

"Spoilers." Quinn smiled and Cameron groaned.

**CUT TO:**

**INT. PROSPECTIVE HOME, BEDROOM - DAY**

**[The glee club continues to sing in the background. TERRI, KENDRA, and KENDRA’s family are present. TERRI and KENDRA are discussing their interior design plans.]**

**CUT TO:**

**INT. CHOIR ROOM – DAY, CONT.**

**[The glee club continues to sing, with WILL dancing around them. WILL initiates some simple choreography and the students mimic him. The musical number comes to an end, and everyone laughs.]**

**WILL: All right, just like that. Ready?**

**__**

**CUT TO:**

**INT. LADIES ROOM – DAY**

**[EMMA steps out of a stall, gingerly holding her hands in the air as she approaches the sinks. Someone can be heard coughing and retching, so EMMA goes to investigate. She opens the stall to find RACHEL on her knees, hunched over the toilet.]**

"Oh my god." Mercedes gasped, horrified. 

"Berry..." Santana muttered, now looking at the dark hair girl with slight concern. 

"R-rachel." Quinn stuttered, "why?" 

Rachel didn't answer. 

**EMMA: Rachel, did you just throw up?**

**RACHEL: No.**

**EMMA: You missed the toilet.**

**RACHEL: The girl who was throwing up before me left that. I tried, but I guess I just don’t have a gag reflex.**

"Th-th-thank God." Tina exclaimed and Mike grabbed her hand, knowing that whenever she was stressed or worried her stutter came back. 

"Rachel.." Kurt trailed off, tears building in his beautiful eyes. 

"Kurt, It-it wasn't-I-I didn't." Rachel protested, shaking her head forcefully. 

"You're beautiful Rach." Finn said fiercely. "You-you don't need to do that to look good. You already do." 

"Yeah Rachel. You think I'd ask to bang you if you weren't hot?" Puck asked and Artie rolled his eyes.  

Lauren punched Puck in the shoulder and Rachel shook her head. "Thank you Noah."  

**EMMA: One day when you’re older, that’ll turn out to be a gift. Let’s have a little chat, okay?**

**CUT TO:**

**INT. GUIDANCE OFFICE – DAY**

**[EMMA hands RACHEL a pamphlet titled “So You Like Throwing Up: Understanding and Overcoming Bulimia.” EMMA peers out into the corridor and waves to WILL.**

**EMMA: (clears throat) Rachel, bulimia is a very messy, serious disease.**

**RACHEL: I don’t have bulimia. I tried it and failed and won’t ever attempt it again.**

"You better not." Kurt threatened but it kinda lost its force when his voice wobbled. 

"I won't." Rachel stated firmly. She grabbed Finn and Kurt's hands and smiled. "I don't  _need_  to." 

**EMMA: Okay.**

**RACHEL: It grossed me out.**

**EMMA: Okay. But I still want to talk about the feelings that you had that led up to you wanting to puke your guts out.**

**RACHEL: I want to be thinner. Prettier, like that Quinn girl.**

"It-it was because of me." Quinn choked and Rachel winced. 

"Not  _all_  because of you. Just girls like you." She tried and even Santana made a face. 

Quinn still stood and gave Rachel a hug. 

"The only person who should make you feel that bad is Sue," Quinn sighed, "and even then it's like she's crossing a line. I'm so so sorry." 

**EMMA: Mm-hm. And, um, why is that?**

**RACHEL: Have you ever liked someone so much you just wanna lock yourself in your room, turn on sad music and cry?**

**EMMA: No.**

**[EMMA’s eyes flicker to WILL in the hallway.]**

**CUT TO:**

**INT. EMMA’S CAR – DAY**

**[EMMA sits in her car, crying. It is raining heavily outside. “All By Myself” by Eric Carmen plays on the radio, and EMMA sings along.]**

**EMMA: (crying) By myself. I’m by myself.**

"Yeesh. I'm glad I don't have a crush." Flint muttered and Logan nodded in agreement. 

"I think it's cute." Jeff said and everyone looked at him weirdly. 

**CUT TO:**

**INT. GUIDANCE OFFICE – DAY, CONT.**

**EMMA: Uh, but a boy crush, huh? I know about that. I mean, not now. It takes me back in the- Like a long time ago, I knew about that. You know what? You need to remember, Rachel, to protect your heart. I don’t care who he is. If he doesn’t like you for the way you are, if he’s- You know, he’s married with a baby on the way- That’s not worth the heartache. You don’t want to compromise yourself for that. Um- (clears throat) Have you just tried telling him how you feel?**

**RACHEL: (dejectedly) He doesn’t even notice me.**

**EMMA: I see. Um- okay. Well, here’s what I think. Common interests are the key to romance. All right? So find out what he likes. Then he’ll see you in a positive way and maybe you’ll end up doing something that you never would have expected.**

**[RACHEL nods and smiles hopefully.]**

**__**

**CUT TO:**

**INT. FIGGINS’ OFFICE – DAY**

**[RACHEL and FINN are sitting in front of FIGGINS’ desk. SUE and WILL stand on opposite sides of the room.]**

**SUE: Would you like to tell Principal Figgins and Mr. Schuester what I caught you two doing?**

"Woah woah  _woah_. This stays PG right?" David asks throwing his hands up in front of his face as if to shield himself. 

"Yes." Rachel laughs. 

"And Quinn and Finn were still dating anyway." Mercedes reassures the young man. 

**FINN: It just sort of happened.**

**RACHEL: I don’t mean to be rude, but I think she’s overreacting.**

**SUE: You watch your tone, young lady. (To FIGGINS) Gay parents encourage rebellion. There are studies on this.**

"I bet there are." Reid comments sarcastically and Rachel nodded along. 

"Yes. I was raised listening to MCR and learning how to burn down public libraries, all because of my gay parents." She snorted. 

"Wait a minute." Artie said holding up a gloved hand, "when did Rachel Berry start to use sarcasm?" 

"Ooo I know dangerous right?" Rachel giggled. "I feel so  _bad_." 

"All right, now schnoz," Santana mutters, "don't get ahead of yourself." 

" _Cockapoopie_." Kurt whispered to her and Rachel swatted at him playfully. 

**WILL: Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa. (To RACHEL) All right, tell me what happened, Rachel.**

**RACHEL: Finn was worried about having to perform a solo at the pep assembly in front of his chromosomally challenge friends. I was immediately concerned by his lack of self-esteem and made a creative preemptive strike.**

**FINN: Yeah, pretty much what she said.**

**CUT TO:**

**INT. ART ROOM – DAY**

**[RACHEL and FINN are sitting at the table, working on a flyer.]**

**RACHEL: You know, one of the amazing things about being in the performing arts is that you can parlay it into so many different fields. Like Justin Timberlake- He’s a singer, but he also has a clothing line. And, you know, he makes things like shirts and belts.**

**FINN: Who’s Justin Timberlake?**

"Don't even talk to me." Blaine gasped dramatically, falling into Kurt, who was laughing. 

"Isn't he the guy who made those boots?" Brittany asked. 

"...Do you mean Timberlands?" Nick questioned and Brittany nodded enthusiastically. 

"Don't worry, I know who he is  _now._  Rachel taught me." Finn said with a large warm smile and Blaine sighed. 

"Thank  _heavens_." 

"I think Blaine would be pining over him, if he wasn't dating you Kurt." Thad informed with the barest hint of a smile. 

"I don't think I would blame him. I had a small Justin Timberlake phase." Kurt said with a shrug. 

"Just like your equally small Mellencamp phase?" Rachel asked innocently, attempting to get Kurt back for the Cockapoopie comment. 

"Your  _what_?" Jeff asked loudly and Blaine perked up even more. Always ready to hear more about his boyfriend.

"Moving on!" Kurt announced loudly and forced himself not to give in to Blaine's puppy eyes. 

**RACHEL: (voice-over) It was a twofold plan.**

**CUT TO:**

**INT. COPY ROOM – DAY**

**[RACHEL and FINN are making copies of their flyer.]**

**RACHEL: (voice-over) We figured that with the right marketing strategy, we could pull from the entire student body without having an assembly, thus creating the diverse Glee Club this school has been craving.**

**[SUE steps into the room. When she realizes what they are doing, she drops her protein shake on the floor.]**

**CUT TO:**

**INT. FIGGINS’ OFFICE – DAY, CONT.**

**SUE: That copy machine is for Cheerios use only. Paid for by alumni donations. I can’t begin to fathom the damage you’d have done to the program had you broken it.**

"I'm sure the cheerleaders would have been fine without the copy machine." Wes scoffed and Brittany shook her head. 

"That copy machine is the foundation on which Sue builds her cheerleading plays. It is essential to our wellbeing." She said and everyone gaped at her. 

"That's my baby." Santana laughed proudly. 

"Did she just use the word  _essential_  in a sentence?" Tina asked. 

"I'm pretty sure she used it correctly too." Mike said back. 

**WILL: Hold on a second, Sue.**

**SUE: I resent being told to hold on to anything, William. I will not be treated like a second-class citizen because of my gender. There is a very clear bureaucracy when it comes to photocopies, and you seem to think that these procedures don’t apply to your students. (To FIGGINS) It is my strong recommendation that both these students be hobbled.**

**WILL: (To FINN and RACHEL) How many copies did you guys make?**

**SUE: (To FIGGINS) Seventeen.**

**WILL: Okay. And how much does a photocopy cost?**

**FIGGINS: Four and a half cents.**

**WILL: How about they just pay for the copies?**

"It wasn't even a problem." Trent huffed. 

**FIGGINS: I like this compromise. Children, pay Ms. Sylvester, and we’ll let you off with a warning. And Sue, I’m sorry, but I’ll have to ask you to personally clean the congealed protein shake off the photocopy room floor**

**SUE: That’s why we have janitors.**

**FIGGINS: Sue, we’re in a recession, and concessions must be made. I’ve laid off half the janitorial staff. We all need to lend a hand.**

**[RACHEL, FINN and WILL nod.]**

**SUE: Lady Justice wept today.**

**[SUE extends her hand to FINN and RACHEL in expectation of payment.]**

**__**

**CUT TO:**

**INT. SCHOOL HALLWAY – DAY**

**FINN: I’m sorry about that Mr. Schue.**

**RACHEL: I’d like to get the flyers up before lunch tomorrow.**

**WILL: You know what, guys? I don’t want to hear it.**

**RACHEL: Doing that song is gonna kill any chance the Glee Club has. It’s a terrible idea.**

"It kinda is though." Nick said quietly. 

"But disco!" Blaine wailed and Kurt smiled fondly and patted his hair. 

"I still love you," Kurt said, "even if you have terrible taste." 

"I don't have terrible taste in boys." Blaine muttered and the two boys nuzzled. 

"Ugh, I think I need to go to the dentist. I got about five cavities from watching that." Santana griped. 

**WILL: I have news for you, Rachel. Sometimes you have to do things you don’t want to do. We’re doing the assembly and you’re not putting up those flyers. Everybody loves disco!**

**[WILL exits down the hall.]**

**FINN: It’s official. I’m a dead man.**

**RACHEL: Look, I know you’re nervous, but you’re really, really talented.**

**FINN: (bashful) Stop it.**

"Thank you." Finn said to Rachel and then he pressed a kiss to her hair. 

"I was telling the truth, you know?" Rachel said after he pulled away, "You are really really talented." 

"I learned from the best." Finn complemented and Rachel cuddled into his side. 

**RACHEL: I mean, maybe it’ll all be okay. Do you want to practice for the assembly tomorrow after school?**

**FINN: I can’t. I got a Celibacy Club meeting.**

**[FINN walks away, and RACHEL watches him leave.]**

**__**

**CUT TO:**

**INT. WILL’S APARTMENT, BATHROOM – DAY**

**[WILL and TERRI are sitting together in the bathtub, TERRI’S back pressed to WILL’S chest.]**

"Ahhh! Shield his eyes! The children!" Blaine shrieked clapping his hands over Kurt's eyes. 

"Blaine Warbler Anderson-" 

"Not my name-" 

"I am older than you so please remove your hands from my eyes." 

"No," Wes protested, "keep the baby innocent." 

"Shut the hell up Wesley." Kurt snapped and Jeff laughed. 

"Our child grew up so fast." David sighed placing a hand over his heart. 

**WILL: Baby, I have some bad news.**

**TERRI: A wealthy relative died?**

**WILL: I don’t have any wealthy relatives.**

**TERRI: Oh.**

**WILL: I’ve just been pounding the pavement all week after Glee rehearsal. I- I can’t find any extra work. That probably means no grand foyer.**

**TERRI: Why can’t we ever be the ones to catch a break?**

**WILL: No, no, no. It’s gonna be okay, baby. I mean, we don’t need a grand foyer to be happy.**

**TERRI: No. You know what? I’m so tired of the compromising. I want my grand foyer. I want my dream house. I work hard. I sacrifice. I deserve it.**

"Wait, did I miss something?" Puck asked. 

"I want a dream house." Brittany sighed happily. 

"When has she worked hard?" Cameron scoffed. 

"When did she sacrifice?" Puck continued. 

"I think a dream house would be nice." Santana said with a soft smile, usually reserved for Brittany. 

"The only thing she deserves is a nice slap to the face." Quinn fumes, crossing her arms over her chest. 

**[TERRI steps out of the tub and begins pulling on her robe.]**

**TERRI: You know, we give and we give. Do you think that the big shots at Sheets N’ Things care that I sell more personal massagers than any other assistant manager? No. Or do you think that those kids- that they give a damn that we go with so little because you spend all your spare time choreographing those stupid dance routines? I mean, when does anyone start giving back?**

**[TERRI exits. WILL sighs and sinks down under the water.]**

**__**

**CUT TO:**

**INT. COPY ROOM – DAY**

**[FIGGINS is kneeling on the floor, scraping off congealed protein shake. WILL enters.]**

**WILL: I thought you asked Sue to clean up after herself.**

**FIGGINS: Sue got a note from the school nurse claiming that her lupus made it impossible to bend over a bucket of suds. I’ve been here till 10:00 pm every night up to my elbows in Vamoose!**

**WILL: Any problem with me taking over one of those nighttime janitorial slots?**

**[FIGGINS sighs and shakes his head.]**

**WILL: I’ll work at half salary.**

"He was a janitor?" Puck grimaced. 

"It was all because of Ms. Shuster." Finn huffed angrily. 

**[FIGGINS looks up and smiles.]**

**__**

**CUT TO:**

**INT. CLASSROOM 1 – DAY**

**[QUINN and a group of other Cheerios are sitting at a long table on one side of the room. RACHEL is sitting alone opposite them. QUINN strikes a gavel against a sound board three times.]**

**QUINN: The Celibacy Club is now in session. Thanks to a school rule that says we have to let anyone join the club, we’re welcoming a new member this week- Rachel What’s-her-name.**

Quinn winced, "Sorry Rachel." She apologized. 

"If you apologize for every little thing you've ever done, you're gonna be saying sorry for the rest of your life." Rachel stated firmly. 

**RACHEL: Where are all the boys?**

**QUINN: Down the hall. First half hour we separate, then we come together to share our faith.**

**CUT TO:**

**INT. CLASSROOM 2 – DAY**

**[A group of football players and other boys are spread around the room. FINN is sitting on a desk, tossing a football into the air.]**

**FINN: (voice-over) I’m still on the fence about the Celibacy Club. I mean, I only joined to get into Quinn Fabray’s pants. Still, it is a productive way for us guys to get together and talk about sexual issues.**

**JACOB: I think I’m gonna kill myself. I’m serious. We’re bombarded with sexual imagery every day- Beer ads, those short skirts. I’m supposed to be surrounded by temptation- Not be able to do anything about it?**

**PUCK: Are you kidding? Those skirts are crunchy toast. Santana Lopez bent over in hers the other day, and I swear I could see her ovaries.**

"That's disgusting." Tina said wrinkling her nose. 

"What? It's true." Puck defended. 

"Noah, I'm positive that you diddidnt see Santanas ovaries." Kurt sighed fighting an eyeroll. 

"Well, he thought that girls had prostates so maybe he thought he saw her ovaries?" Blaine whispered to Kurt and Kurt hummed thoughtfully. 

**CUT TO:**

**INT. CLASSROOM 1 – DAY, CONT.**

**[SANTANA twirls around at the center of the room, her Cheerios skirt flaring up to show her spanks.]**

**QUINN: God bless the perv that invented these. Remember the power motto, girls.**

**ALL: It’s all about the teasing, and not about the pleasing. Oh!**

**[The Cheerios begin to dance in place.]**

**CHEERIO: Back it up like a dump truck, baby!**

" Oh my God. You guys are literal children." Kurt snorted. 

"Aren't we all though?" Sam asked confused. 

"That's...That's not what I meant." Kurt sighed. 

**[RACHEL appears annoyed by their behavior.]**

**CUT TO:**

**INT. CLASSROOM 2 – DAY, CONT.**

**JOCK: (To FINN) So, how far does Quinn let you get anyway?**

**FINN: We grind, make out.**

**JACOB: But how do you keep from arriving early? Whenever I grind- Cinco de Mayo.**

"Ugh, that's disgusting." Cameron said. 

"I really did not need that picture in my head." Thad blanched. 

**FINN: (chuckling) It’s not a problem for me, man.**

**[FINN and PUCK high five.]**

**FINN: (voice-over) Actually, it’s a big problem. Somebody once told me that to keep from erupting too early, you should think of dead kittens and stuff. But the only image that works for me happened the day my mom took me out to practice for my driver’s permit.**

**CUT TO:**

**INT./EXT. CAR – DAY**

**[FINN is driving with his mother, CAROLE, in the passenger seat.]**

**CAROLE: Pretty good, honey. Who says a father figure’s necessary, huh?**

**FINN: Driving’s fun.**

**CAROLE: Yeah.**

**[The car slams into a mailman, whose body rolls onto the hood of the car and into the windshield.]**

**CAROLE: (screams) Oh, my God! Oh, my! Oh, my! Oh, my God, you killed him. What are you gonna do?**

"Yeah, I'm pretty sure that would be enough to turn anybody off." Artie winced and Kurt just taped in shock. 

"So...Are any of you guys, like, normal?" Trent asked racing an eyebrow and the New Directions thought about it for a second and they all shook their heads. 

**CUT TO:**

**INT. CLASSROOM 1 – DAY, CONT.**

**[All Celibacy Club members have moved into the same room. They are paired off, one boy and one girl, with a balloon for each pair.]**

**QUINN: Let’s pair up for the “Immaculate Affection.” Now, remember. If the balloon pops, the noise makes the angels cry.**

"Who comes up with this stuff?" Wes asked incredulously and Luke and Logan stifle their snickers. 

"I did." Quinn said proudly and Santana cut it with, "I helped." 

**[QUINN steps over to FINN, smiling and placing the balloon between their pelvises. RACHEL glances at FINN and reluctantly moves closer to JACOB, who scoots over excitedly and places his arms on her shoulders.]**

**JACOB: You enchant me.**

Finn growled under his breath and tightened his arm around Rachel. 

**PUCK: Yeah!**

**[PUCK grinds into the balloon between him and SANTANA, who struggles to pull away.]**

**SANTANA: Stop it!**

**PUCK: Take it. Ah, yeah!**

**[The balloon between FINN and QUINN pops.]**

**QUINN: Finn!**

**FINN: It must have hit my zipper.**

**[RACHEL breaks away from JACOB and addresses the room.]**

**RACHEL: You know what? This is a joke. Did you know that most studies have demonstrated that celibacy doesn’t work in high schools? Our hormones are driving us too crazy to abstain. The second we start telling ourselves that there’s no room for compromise, we act out. The only way to deal with teen sexuality is to be prepared. That’s what contraception is for.**

"Good point Rachel." Kurt nodded to her.

**QUINN: Don’t you dare mention the “C” word.**

**RACHEL: You want to know a dirty little secret that none of them want you to know? Girls want sex just as much as guys do.**

**JACOB: I- Is that accurate?**

**__**

**CUT TO:**

**INT. EMPTY CLASSROOM – NIGHT**

**[WILL, dressed in his janitor uniform, is scraping gum from the bottom of a desk. EMMA enters.]**

**EMMA: Will?**

**[WILL turns in surprise and bumps his head against the desk.]**

**WILL: Aaah! Emma- What are you doing here so late?**

**EMMA: I do S.A.T. prep on Tuesday nights. Are you, um- Are you a janitor?**

**WILL: A jan- no.**

**EMMA: Really? ‘Cause you’re dressed like a janitor, and your shirt says “Will.”**

**WILL: Um, Terri and I are trying to buy a house and we’re, you know, struggling to make ends meet, and- (sighs) I’m really embarrassed. Would you mind keeping this between us?**

**EMMA: Yeah. Oh, yeah, your secret’s completely safe with me.**

**WILL: Thank you.**

**EMMA: Do you, um- Do you want a hand?**

**WILL: Oh- No. I-I’m good, really.**

**EMMA: Really? Because I can see from here that you’ve used window cleaner to mop the floor. And, uh, that keyboard is crawling in E. coli because I know for a fact Ms. Hoffmeyer doesn’t wash her hands after doing number twos.**

"Ew." Mercedes said, "That's just nasty." 

"I love the number two, " Brittany added, "It's my favorite number after seven."

**FLASHFORWARD TO:**

**INT. EMPTY CLASSROOM – NIGHT, CONT.**

**[EMMA is scrubbing the pencil sharpener while WILL dusts a hanging solar system.]**

**EMMA: I really admire you working so hard for something you want.**

**WILL: Let’s make a deal. You’re helping me with my problem. How bout I take a stab at one of yours?**

**EMMA: Oh, no, I don’t- I don’t have a problem.**

**WILL: You’ve been scrubbing that pencil sharpener for an hour.**

"I'm glad he noticed , it was getting to be a real problem." Rachel sighed, 

**EMMA: Well, I mean, I have- I have a little trouble with messes, but it’s not like it’s a problem.**

**[WILL sits down on a desk and smiles at EMMA knowingly.]**

**EMMA: Okay. When I was a little girl, it was my dream to work on a dairy farm.**

**WILL: Really?**

**EMMA: Yeah. And when I was eight, we finally visited one and after the tour and the yoghurt tasting my- my brother pushed me into the runoff lagoon.**

"That's horrible." Tina gasped. 

"No wonder she wants to clean everything," Sam sympathised, "after that, anyone would."

**WILL: What?**

**EMMA: And, um, ever since then, I’ve just- I’ve had a little trouble forgetting the, uh- the smell.**

**WILL: Have you thought about- I don’t know- maybe seeing someone about that?**

**EMMA: Oh, no. It’s completely manageable. You know, I just- I take lots of showers and I, um- You know, I don’t eat dairy. So it’s-**

**WILL: I want to try a little experiment.**

**[WILL gets up and walks over to the chalkboard, collecting some chalk dust from the ledge with the tip of his finger.]**

**EMMA: Oh, no. No, I’m not really, um, comfortable with- with that.**

**[WILL touches his finger to EMMA’S nose, leaving behind a smudge of dust. They stare into each others eyes. After a moment, WILL removes the dust with the back of his forearm.]**

"Why don't you ever do stuff like that for me?" Quinn huffed and Puck frowned. 

"Because you don't have OCD?"

**WILL: There. Ten seconds.**

**EMMA: New record. It’s late. I should, um- I should be, um, going.**

**[EMMA walks past him towards the door. KEN watches the exchange through the window of the classroom.]**

**__**

**CUT TO:**

**INT. GYMNASIUM – DAY**

**[RACHEL stands before the glee club, who are gathered in the stands. She taps her gavel to a sound board.]**

**RACHEL: I officially call this meeting of Glee Club in session.**

**ARTIE: But Mr. Schuester isn’t here.**

**RACHEL: Mr. Schuester isn’t coming. I paid a freshman to ask him for help with irregular verbs.**

**MERCEDES: Ugh! I’m so sick of hearing you squawk, Eva Perón.**

**FINN: Let her talk.**

**[FINN nods at RACHEL in encouragement.]**

**RACHEL: I have another idea for the assembly.**

**ARTIE: Can I, once again, stress my most strenuous objections to this attempted suicide?**

**RACHEL: They’re not gonna kill us. Because we’re gonna give them what they want.**

**KURT: Blood?**

Blaine pecked Kurt's cheek. "You're amazing." He said simply. 

**RACHEL: Better. Sex.**

"Blood probably would have been better." Kurt groaned, his face bright red. 

**__**

**CUT TO:**

**INT. GYMNASIUM – DAY**

**[The entire student body is sitting in the stands. FIGGINS is standing at a microphone in front of the stage. WILL is sitting in a chair to his side.]**

**FIGGINS: Silence, children. Silence. First, an announcement. The toilets are broken again. We are fixing the problem. But let me warn you. There will be zero tolerance for anyone soiling school grounds. We’re not going to have a repeat of the last time. We have a treat for you guys today. Mr. Schuester.**

**EMMA: (clapping) Yay, Glee! Glee kids, hooray!**

"She's just too adorable. Like a kitten threw up rainbows and glitter all over her and then she tried to wipe it off with a puppy." Santana observed and David blinked at her. 

"She does that all the time." Quinn told David, "It's just Santana."

**[WILL steps up to the microphone.]**

**WILL: Uh, hi. Uh, when I went to school here, Glee Club ruled this place. And we’re on our way back. But we need some recruits to join the party. Now, I can tell you all about how great Glee is, but, uh, I think I’m gonna let some friends of mine show you instead.**

**[WILL sits down in the stands. The Glee Club begins their performance of “Push It” by Salt ‘n’ Pepa. Their choreography is lewd and suggestive. WILL, SUE, and QUINN are horrified, but FIGGINS and EMMA appear to be enjoying themselves. The performance comes to an end. After a moment of silence, JACOB springs up out of his seat.]**

**JACOB: Yes!**

**[The students erupt into cheers, with the exception of the Cheerios.]**

"And thus, the sex riots were born." Kurt mumbled sarcastically, attempting to forget the fact that he actually slapped his stepbrothers ass.

Blaine gaped, because um- wow Kurt's hips?

"Wait, how can the school hate the glee club if they react like that when you guys preform?" Ethan questioned and Finn shrugged. 

**__**

**CUT TO:**

**INT. FIGGINS’ OFFICE – DAY**

**[WILL and SUE are sitting before FIGGINS’ desk. No one speaks.]**

**SUE: Let me be the one to break the silence. That was the most offensive thing I’ve seen in 20 years of teaching, and that includes an elementary school production of _Hair._**

**FIGGINS: We’ve received angry e-mails from a number of concerned parents, many of whom thought that their children were going to hear a Special Olympian speak about overcoming adversity.**

"Isn't that his fault though?" Flint asked.

"Yeah," Luke defended, "he's the one who was too cheap to pay for the special Olympian." 

"You guys are cute but it's gonna fall onto Mr. Shue somehow." Lauren  shrugged. 

**WILL: I- I really don’t know what to say.**

**SUE: Well, let me help you out then. My first thought was that your students should be put into foster care. But you’re the one that should be punished. I demand your resignation from this school as well as the disbanding of Glee Club.**

**FIGGINS: Now, hold on, Sue.  The issue is content. Those kids are talented. And I have not seen the student body this excited since Tiffany performed at the North Hills Mall. I took the liberty of calling my pastor to provide a list of family-friendly songs that reflect our community’s values. Your kids can only perform these preapproved musical selections.**

**[FIGGINS hands WILL the list.]**

**WILL: But, all of these songs have either “Jesus” or “balloons” in the title.**

Kurt groaned and Blaine patted his hand comfortingly. 

**FIGGINS: But there are also songs about the circus. This egg is sunny-side up, Will. You need new outfits. I got several flashes of panty from your group today, and I’m not talking about the girls. So, Sue, I’m cutting your dry-cleaning budget to pay for new costumes for the Glee Club.**

**SUE: This will not stand.**

**FIGGINS: Oh, Sue. The dry-cleaners here are just as good as the ones in Europe.**

"I-I don't even know what I could possibly say to that." Cameron blinked. 

**__**

**CUT TO:**

**INT. SCHOOL HALLWAY – DAY**

**[RACHEL is standing just outside of FIGGINS’ office, her head resting dejectedly against the wall. She turns as SUE, making an “I’m watching you” gesture, passes by. WILL enters.]**

**RACHEL: Mr. Schuester, I’m so sorry.**

**WILL: Do you understand what you did today? You lied to me. And you ruined our chances. No parent in their right mind is gonna let their kid join Glee now. Oh, and, uh, here’s a list of the songs that we’re allowed to sing.**

**RACHEL: What’s a “ _Luftballon_ ”?**

**WILL: Look, I know how much you care about Glee Club and I understand why you did what you did, but I don’t like the way you did it.**

**[WILL exits, leaving behind a saddened RACHEL.]**

**__**

**CUT TO:**

**INT. STAFF ROOM – DAY**

**[EMMA is eating her lunch at a table by herself, being careful to clean her grapes before popping them into her mouth. KEN drops a pair of tickets on the table in front of her.]**

**KEN: They’re for Tulip-A-Looza. It’s a tulip festival down at the Columbus Convention Center. It’s supposed to smell pretty nice.**

"Well, he seemed to have learned something." Rachel said hopefully and Quinn rolled her eyes. 

**EMMA: That’s really sweet of you, Ken, but I have…a-asthma.**

**KEN: What are you doing? Chasing a married guy. I saw you playing house with him after hours, Emma. Look. I don’t know a lot about relationships. Most of mine are short and flame out once the sex goes, but I do know you never want to be the rebounder. I’m a good man, Emma. I’ll treat you right. I’ll put up with all your crazy. They can’t fire me ‘cause I’m a minority, so I’ll always be able to provide for you. You could do a lot worse and in this town, you’re not gonna do much better. Okay, I’m done talking now.**

**[KEN exits.]**

**__**

**CUT TO:**

**INT. AUDITORIUM – DAY**

**[FINN and RACHEL are on stage. RACHEL sits at the piano, tapping a high note.]**

**RACHEL: Try it.**

**FINN: (mimicking the note) La.**

**RACHEL: Good.**

**FINN: That was good.**

**RACHEL: Okay, one more up.**

**FINN: La.**

**RACHEL: That was really good.**

**FINN: Is that okay?**

**RACHEL: Yeah, it’s like the holy grail for a baritenor, so it’s a good note. All right, I’ll start at the bottom, and then we’ll go up higher.**

**FINN: Can we take a break? Singing kind of makes me a little hungry.**

**RACHEL: Yeah, yeah, sure. Lucky I prepared for that.**

**[RACHEL gestures toward elaborate picnic area set up on the floor of the stage.]**

**FINN: Wow. I was wondering what that was all about.**

"Wow, Frakenteen no kidding." Santana scoffed and Finn did the mature thing and stuck his tongue out at her. 

**RACHEL: Want to sit?**

**FINN: Yeah, yeah. Absolutely.**

**RACHEL: I was wondering why you asked me to help you with your singing. You kicked butt at the assembly.**

**FINN: Well, this is my only chance to be, you know, good like you.**

**RACHEL: You think I’m good?**

**FINN: Well, when I first joined, I thought you were kind of insane. You talk a lot more than you should, and to be honest with you, I looked under the bed and made sure that you weren’t hanging out under there. But then I heard you sing. I don’t know how to say this, but you touched something in me. Right here.**

**[FINN places his hand left hand over his chest. RACHEL moves his hand to the opposite side.]**

**RACHEL: Your heart’s on the other side of your chest.**

**FINN: Oh. It’s beating really hard. You’re cool, Rachel.**

**RACHEL: Do you want a drink?**

**FINN: Yeah.**

**[RACHEL reaches for a thermos and prepares their drinks.]**

**RACHEL: Virgin Cosmos.**

**FINN: Cool. That stuff you said at the Celibacy Club- That was really cool. (accepting a cup from  RACHEL) Thanks.**

**RACHEL: Well, cheers.**

"First date!" Sam cheered loudly. 

**FINN: Cheers. Cups are like the airplane cups. Oh, you got a little Cosmo right-**

**[FINN reaches out and wipes his thumb slowly across RACHEL’S upper lip.]**

**RACHEL: You know, you can kiss me if you want to.**

**FINN: I want to.**

**[RACHEL lays down onto the pillows as FINN moves over her. Their lips meet briefly, at first. They kiss once more until FINN pulls away, panicking. He imagines the mailman crashing into the windshield of his car. FINN awkwardly tears himself away from RACHEL and stands up.]**

"Really dude?" Logan asked raising a dark eyebrow and Rachel just looked uncomfortable. 

"No! It wasn't like  _that._ " Finn protested. "I have just felt something I'd never felt before and so I imagined the mailman just in case." 

Rachel's expression smoothed out and she smiled at him. 

**RACHEL: What?**

**RACHEL: Did I do something wrong?**

**FINN: No, no. Um, I just gotta go. Look, please don’t tell anybody about this, okay?**

**[FINN exits, and RACHEL places her head in her hands.]**

**__**

**CUT TO:**

**INT. DOCTOR’S OFFICE – DAY**

**[TERRI is lying in an examination chair.  The doctor squirts gel onto TERRI’S stomach and begins the ultrasound.]**

**TERRI: I don’t want my baby to grow an extra arm just because I live in squalor and I’m so stressed. So, I want you to run any and all tests you have.**

**DOCTOR: Trust me. You’re clear.**

**[DOCTOR sets the ultrasound equipment aside and sits down.]**

**TERRI: Are you sure?**

**DOCTOR: Positive.**

**TERRI: Is it a boy or a girl?**

**DOCTOR: Um- Don’t quite know how to put this. There’s no baby.**

**TERRI: (frantically) Did it fall out?**

"Fall out?" Blaine repeated and Thad glared at the woman on the screen. 

"Her stupidity is making me mad." 

**DOCTOR: (laughs) Uh, no. Uh, you’re not pregnant.**

**TERRI: But I’ve gained ten pounds.**

**DOCTOR: It’s probably from eating. I can see a chicken wing in there that you must have swallowed whole. You’re having what’s called a hysterical pregnancy. You want a baby so badly that your body mimics the symptoms. If you’re meant to get pregnant, it’ll happen.**

**__**

**CUT TO:**

**INT. CHOIR ROOM – DAY**

**[WILL is sitting by the piano with a CD player next him. QUINN, SANTANA, AND BRITTANY stand before him.]**

**WILL: I have to say, I’m really surprised you guys are trying out.**

**QUINN: I’m sure you’ve read about this in the school paper. Finn and I have been an item for a while now. So what kind of girlfriend would I be if I didn’t support him?**

**WILL: Well, let’s see what you’ve got.**

**[The three Cheerios perform “I Say A Little Prayer” by Dionna Warwick. QUINN sings lead, and much of the choreography features her at the center of the formation. WILL seems impressed.]**

"That was pretty good." Jeff applauded and Quinn shrugged. 

"We've done better." 

**__**

**CUT TO:**

**INT. SUE’S OFFICE – DAY**

**[QUINN, SANTANA, and BRITTANY are sitting in front of SUE’S desk.]**

**SUE: Let me get this straight. You’re joining Glee Club?**

**QUINN: I’m sorry, Coach Sylvester, but something is going on between Finn and that thing. You saw how it was undressing him with its eyes. Please don’t kick us off the Cheerios.**

Quinn moved to apologize but Rachel cut her off. 

"Don't." 

**SUE: [snaps fingers] Cease fire on the waterworks. I don’t want to hear it. I don’t want to see it. You know, Q, when I first laid eyes on you I was reminded of a young Sue Sylvester, though you don’t have my bone structure. But it wasn’t until this very moment I saw how alike we really are. You three are going to be my spies. I need eyes on the inside. We’re going to bring this club down from within.**

**[BRITTANY and SANTANA high five behind QUINN.]**

**QUINN: And I’m gonna get my boyfriend back.**

**SUE: I don’t care so much about that.**

**__**

**CUT TO:**

**INT. SCHOOL HALLWAY – DAY**

**[EMMA is scrubbing the mouthpiece of a drinking fountain with a toothbrush. WILL approaches her, and small packet in his hand.]**

**WILL: Hey, Emma. Guess what. I found these new disinfecting bleach wipes. What do you say? Boy’s bathroom in the science wing? 9:00?**

"Weirdest date I've ever heard of." Trent muttered but Puck heard him. 

"I've been on weirder." Puck announced proudly. 

**EMMA: Will, what are we doing? I mean, you’re having a baby. Um, and anyway, uh- I have a date.**

**WILL: Oh, that’s great.**

**EMMA: Yeah.**

**WILL: Yeah. With who?**

**EMMA: I’m gonna go to Tulip-A-Looza. With Ken.**

**[EMMA nods to WILL before stepping around him and walking down the hall.]**

**__**

**CUT TO:**

**INT. WILL’S APARTMENT – NIGHT**

**[WILL steps through the door in his janitor uniform. TERRI is standing by the dining room table with a lighter in her hand. She lights a candle on the table.]**

**TERRI: There’s my man. Bringing home the bacon.**

**WILL: You- You made dinner. I thought you’d be asleep.**

"He shouldn't be that surprised that she made dinner for him." Kurt sighed. 

**TERRI: Well, I wanted to talk to you about something, so I made you chicken pot pie- from scratch.**

**[The sit down.]**

**WILL: Terri, that’s so thoughtful. I- Yeah, you know, I’ve been working so had lately, some- sometimes I forget what I’m doing it for. Family’s what’s important to me. You and the little guy or gal on the way. I hope you know that.**

**TERRI: Yeah.**

**WILL: I’m sorry. What was it you wanted to talk about?**

**TERRI: I went to the baby doctor today.**

**WILL: And?**

**[WILL looks at her with anticipation. TERRI is uncomfortable.]**

"Tell him." Wes pleaded. Even though the New Directions were their competition, no one deserved to be given false hope. Especially not about something as serious as a child. 

**TERRI: And…it’s a boy.**

"Of course." David groaned with an eyeroll. 

**[WILL gets out of his seat and hugs TERRI.]**

**WILL: Oh, my God. Terri, that’s amazing.**

**TERRI: Yeah.**

**WILL: Oh, my God. Oh!**

**TERRI: Uh, I want you to give up being a janitor.**

**WILL: What?**

**TERRI: Yeah. We don’t need a new house. We’ll turn my craft room into a nursery. It’s a compromise that I want to make.**

**WILL: Really?**

**TERRI: Yeah. You know, the only project I want to work on now is us.**

"Especially since I just lied to you about our child." Kurt mimicked again and Blaine snorted. 

**[WILL kisses TERRI.]**

**WILL: I love you so much.**

**__**

**CUT TO:**

**INT. CHOIR ROOM – DAY**

**[RACHEL and WILL are standing in the choir room alone. RACHEL looks at him despondently.]**

**RACHEL: You’re giving Quinn Fabray the solo? That’s my solo.**

**WILL: You made this happen, Rachel. You were the one who wanted to sell sex at the assembly. Quinn’s audition song was on Figgin’s approved list and, frankly, she did a heck of a job singing it.**

**RACHEL: You’re punishing me.**

**WILL: Contrary to your beliefs, it’s not all about you. Or, I’ve realized, about me. Look, I screwed up too. I’m as responsible for what you did at the assembly as you are. I should never have pushed disco so hard. When we did it back in ’93, the disco revival was in its heyday. It was cool. We had fun. And that- That is what Glee is supposed to be about. If we’re gonna succeed, we both need to change our mindsets. You’re not always gonna be the star. But I promise to do my best to make sure you’re always having fun. This is a good thing, Rachel. We’re on our way.**

**[WILL gathers his things and walks to the door.]**

**RACHEL: Can I use the auditorium later to practice? Our neighbors are filing a lawsuit.**

**WILL: Sure.**

**[WILL exits.]**

**__**

**CUT TO:**

**INT. AUDITORIUM – DAY**

**[RACHEL sings “Take A Bow” by Rihanna. MERCEDES and TINA stand behind her, singing backup. RACHEL is shown singing into her hairbrush in her room. The scene changes to RACHEL watching QUINN and FINN laugh together in the hallway. These three locations cycle throughout the song.**

**CUT TO BLACK**

  
"You are really good though Rachel." Reid complemtented. 

 

"Please don't make her head any bigger than it already is." Mercedes joked and Rachel pouted. 

 

"I think that's the end of that one." Jeff informed and they all nodded. 

 

"Do you think we could stay?" Tina asked, "It's just a little late and we kinda want to keep watching." 

 

"Hmmm," Wes hummed thoughtfully, "I think I can figure something out." 


	3. Chapter 3

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Disclaimer: I don't own Glee or any of the characters, they belong to Ryan Murphy.

Wes found space for all the New Directions to stay until morning. The girls slept in Kurt's dorm room and the boys stayed in the practice room. 

 

"Goodnight babe." Blaine said pressing a quick kiss to Kurt's cheek. 

"Night!" Kurt yelled as he was dragged off by Mercedes and Quinn to his room. Blaine smiled as the door was slammed shut, glad to see his boyfriend truly happy. 

 

 

Kurt was practically thrown onto the bed and mauled by a bunch of screaming teenage girls. Except Lauren. She stayed back and watched as Kurt tried to pry Brittany's octopus arms off and convince Santana to retract her claws. 

 

"Girls!" Kurt yelled, attempting to get all of them quiet, "calm down!"  They all listened and Rachel and Mercedes sat down next to him on either side of the bed. 

"Have these Dalton boys been treating you right?" Mercedes asked and Tina nodded, also wondering the same thing. 

"I'm not afraid to go all Lima Heights on these preppies." Santana promised and Brittany curled up into her side. 

"And how's Blaine?" Quinn giggled and Kurt smiled. 

"First off, Dalton's great. The classes are definitely harder, but the people are so much nicer." He informed dutily, looking pointedly at Santana. 

"And Blaine?" Rachel asked practically vibrating with excitement. Kurt flushed pink and Lauren smirked. 

"He's great." Kurt gushed. "He's honestly a puppy, a puppy who's also a cuddle whore. He's super smart and kind and his curly hair is to die for." 

"Sounds like a dream." Quinn laughed. "I wouldn't believe if I didn't see it." 

"All the good ones are gay." Lauren groaned and everyone laughed. 

"Well, I'm happy for you white boy." Mercedes said proudly and Kurt smiled at her. 

"My dolphin found his own puppy dolphin." Brittany cheered from her place in Santana's lap. 

"Even if he looks like a Hobbit." Santana teased playfully. 

"We do miss you though." Tina admitted and Quinn nodded. 

"I miss you guys too. Dalton is great but it's so far away and I get the feeling that they don't appreciate my individuality as much as you guys did." 

"Do." Rachel reminded softly, leaning on Kurt's shoulder slightly. 

"I never thought I'd see the day where you aren't parading around in whatever designer clothes you managed to put together." Lauren laughed and everyone joined in. 

"At least you're safe here." Quinn said, her motherly side showing and Kurt smiled sadly. 

"Yeah." 

 

 

 

"But he's safe here." Finn argued and Puck sighed. "We can keep him safe at Mckinley too." 

"I can't shake the feeling that Kurt wouldn't enjoy having a bunch of people following him around all day, even if they are keeping him safe." Artie pointed out and Puck deflated slightly. 

"I-It's a good idea." Mike assured him and Puck rolled his eyes. "I know that Chang." He snarled, "I'd only do the best for my boy Kurt." 

"Maybe the best is letting him come back himself." Sam said softly and Finn sighed in relief when Puck nodded slightly. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I honestly hate in between chapters


	4. Chapter 4

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Disclaimer: The characters, plotlines, quotes, etc. included here are owned by Ryan Murphy, all rights reserved. This fanfiction is not authorized or endorsed by Ryan Murphy or Fox.

After breakfast everyone gathered back into the practice room and sat down to watch more. 

"I think we should tell Mr. Schue that we are watching this. I mean, it is partly about his life too." Rachel said loudly and no one protested. 

**INT. SCHUESTER DINING ROOM - EVENING**

**MRS. SCHUESTER: When did you start cooking, Terri?**

**TERRI: Oh, it’s just hamburger casserole. Look out for bones.**

**WILL: I’m sorry. I, um (laughing) I can’t hold it in any longer. Um Mom, Dad. Terri’s pregnant.**

**TERRI: What?**

**WILL: It’s a boy.**

**MRS. SCHUESTER: Oh! Our first grandbaby! (giddy laugh)**

**MR. SCHUESTER: Oh, that’s fantastic.**

**TERRI: Thank you, yeah. Sweetheart. Honey?**

**WILL: Yeah?**

**TERRI: I thought we weren’t going to tell anybody yet.**

**MR. SCHUESTER: Oh your secret is safe with me. I spent six months In the Hanoi Hilton, never said a word. Am I right, doodle?**

**MRS. SCHUESTER: That’s right, honey.**

**MR. SCHUESTER: (chuckling)**

**TERRI: Oh. Yeah, we’re going to turn the craft room into the nursery.**

**MRS. SCHUESTER: (gasps) Show me!**

**TERRI: Okay.**

**MR. SCHUESTER: (chuckling)I’m really happy for you, son.**

**WILL: Tell you the truth, I’m terrified. I don’t know how to do this.**

**MR. SCHUESTER: No one does. Look at me. I was a mess. I worked all the time, traveling. I was too strict.**

**WILL: Okay, you’re not instilling With a great deal of confidence here, Dad. (sighs) I mean, I’m already up all night thinking about this.**

**MR. SCHUESTER: That’s my fault– the confidence thing. Boys learn that from their fathers. I started at Zuckerman and Zuckerman in college. I needed some extra cash. I was saving up for law school. But I never went. I never even applied. Didn’t have the balls. So, I settled for insurance. I mean, who was i to become a lawyer?**

**WILL: You would have been a great one. You’re the smartest guy I know.**

**MR. SCHUESTER: It’s not about brains, son. Being a good father– hell, being a man– Is all about one thing: Guts. And you’ve got about six months to figure out if you have any.**

**INT. CUT TO: CHOIR ROOM - DAY**

**Will: Five, six, seven, eight. Step and step. Step and step. And turn it around. Down and up. And hit, hit down hit.**

**RACHEL: Can we stop, please?**

**WILL: You don’t have to ask me every time for permission to go to the bathroom, Rachel. You can just go.**

**RACHEL: It’s not my bladder. It’s the choreography.**

**WILL: Okay, what’s wrong with the choreography?**

**RACHEL: It sucks.**

"Jeez Rachel." Ethan laughed and Reid shrugged. 

"It's better than ours." 

"Are you dissing the famous Warbler two step?" Wes asked hysterically and Blaine rolled his eyes. 

**INT. CUT TO: HALLWAY - DAY**

**QUINN: It sucks.**

**SANTANA: It’s completely unoriginal.**

**RACHEL: Are you guys going to get shunned for talking to me?**

**QUINN: Sweetie, we’re a team now. But you’ve got to do something about Mr. Shue’s dance routines.**

**INT. CUT TO: CHOIR ROOM - DAY**

**RACHEL: We can’t compete with vocal adrenaline with these steps. You’re a great vocal coach, Mr. Shue, But you’re not  a trained choreographer. That’s what we need to be the best. We need Dakota Stanley.**

"Dakota Stanley?" Luke asked looking at Kurt and his friends worriedly. "He's ruthless." 

"Yeah." Finn agreed and Kurt shrugged. 

"After dealing with Sue, Dakota would probably be a cakewalk." 

_'There's another piece of evidence that Kurt was a Cheerio.'_ Blaine thought with a smug smirk. 

**INT. CUT TO HALLWAY - DAY**

**QUINN: He’s the best show choir choreographer in the midwest. He works with Vocal Adrenaline.**

**SANTANA: You can’t take regionals without him. He was the understudy to the candelabra in beauty and the beast on broadway.**

**INT. CUT TO CHOIR ROOM - DAY**

**WILL: Just because he understudied doesn’t mean he ever performed.**

**QUINN: Did you ever perform, Mr. Schuester? After high school. Did you even try?**

Quinn flinched and sighed. ' _Just another apology to make._ ' 

**INT. CUT TO EMMA’S OFFICE - DAY**

**WILL: I wanted to. that was my dream, you know? I-i just never had…**

**EMMA: The guts? They say it takes more certainty than talent to be a star. I mean, look at, um, look at John Stamos.**

**WILL: I don’t know. I guess i’m also just nervous about being a dad. You know, I want my kid to be proud of me.I want to set a good example, you know? I-i hope it’s cool– me unloading on you like this. I don’t want there to be any awkwardness.**

**EMMA: Oh, no. No, none at all. I mean, you know, especially since… we’re, um, we’re both in relationships now. It’s both of us.**

**right. I’m in a relationship. You’re in a relationship.**

"Could this be anymore awkward?" Sam winced and Tina nodded. 

"Probably."  

**WILL: Exactly, yeah. How’s it going with Ken?**

**EMMA: Great. It’s great. It’s wonderful. I mean, you know, he’s-he’s flawed, but he-he knows who he is, and that’s-that’s great And there really is nothing sexier in a man than confidence, you know?**

**Will: (wry laugh) Sandy! I thought you weren’t allowed on campus.**

"He's not....right?" Artie asked but no one could find an answer.

**SANDY: No, William. I’m not allowed within 50 feet of children. Besides, Henri and I go way back. I got him a job before we even had a shop class. I told Figgins that you are going to have a school full of nancies unless you get some hot wood in those teenagers’ hands. Here comes Henri.**

**WILL: Ah, shoot. Terri was supposed to bring a cake.**

**HENRI: I’m back.**

**WILL (in voiceover): Henri had a little problem with over-the-counter cough medicine.**

**(Henri is shown using a saw) he ended up cutting off his thumbs. It was a real tragedy.**

"Are there any normal adults at Mckinley?" Blaine whispered to Kurt concernedly and Kurt thought for a moment then shook his head. 

"I don't think so." 

**HENRI: I’ll never hitchhike across Europe. That was a dream, man. (Howard walks in carrying a cake with two thumbs ups.)**

"That is a terrible cake to get someone that lost their thumbs." Nick commented and Santana shrugged. 

"I think it's cool. "

**WILL: Where’s terri?**

**HOWARD: Doing inventory. I can’t count higher than 30.**

**WILL:You know, This is nice. I can’t remember the last time I just hung out with the guys, really talked about our feelings.**

**KEN: Want to know what I’m feeling? I live at the YMCA. I only have one pair of long pants.**

**SANDY: Oh, please. My life is a disaster with no creative outlet other than writing my Desperate Housewives fan fiction.**

**HOWARD: I’m afraid of my vacuum.**

"Me too." Brittney whimpered and Santana grabbed her hand. 

"What did I tell you Boo?" Kurt asked and Brittney's fearful face relaxed. 

"That it just wants to eat all the evil dust bunnies, not me." She recited and Kurt smiled. 

"There you go." Brittney hopped up and wrapped Kurt in a hug. 

"Thank you dolphin." She murmured and Blaine blinked.

"What?" Trent asked Wes but he could only shrug. 

**WILL: I know how you guys feel. I apparently don’t know how to dance.**

**HENRI: I don’t have thumbs.**

**WILL: Uh. Sorry.**

**(Henri sobbing) Sandy begins singing “For He’s A Jolly Good Fellow”, the others join in, harmonizing. (sniffling)**

**WILL: Hey, that was pretty good. (begins singing) ♫ This is how we do it ♫ (men beat boxing) Two weeks ago, I would have agreed that four grown men rehearsing a capella hip-hop in my living room was embarrassing, but busting out some white-hot New Jack Swing I’ll tell you, I’ve never felt more confident. Henri though we should call our group…**

**HENRI: Crescendudes**

"That's actually not bad." Mike muttered. 

**WILL: While Ken thought…**

**KEN: Testotertones.**

"That's terrible." David muttered. 

"Oh, and the Warblers are better?" Puck huffed and Wes frowned. 

"You can't be talking  _New Directions_." Thad growled and Kurt's eyes widened. 

"Stop!" Finn yelled , "We just need to get through these and then we can go back to being enemies." 

**WILL: …was more manly, and then we heard a single word leave Howard’s lips, and we knew we had our name.**

**HOWARD: Acafellas.**

**♫ Yo, we made it, it feels so good ♫**

**SANDY: I’m ready for my close-up, Mr. DeMille.**

**WILL: Sandy, we voted. When you’re in the group, it’s creepy.**

"Okay, good." Ethan sighed. 

**SANDY: Wait. I… (Will closes the door)**

**♫ This is how we do it ♫ (man beat boxing) ♫ This is how we do it. ♫**

**TERRI: Will! If i don’t get some sleep, I could miscarry.**

"Miscarry the baby that doesn't exist?" Blaine asked confusedly and Kurt laughed. 

"You're adorable when you're confused." He said pressing a kiss to Blaine's nose. 

**WILL: I’m sorry, Terri. I’ll be right in.**

**TERRI: I hope so.**

**WILL (in voiceover): Being in a boy band did wonders for our love life. Seeing me feel so good about myself made my wife more attracted to me in every way. (sighs) It was amazing. I mean, we started doing it once a week. It was like she was trying to make a twin.**

"That's a good plan." Rachel admired and Tina looked at her like she was crazy. 

"Or she could just tell him that she not pregnant like a normal person." She argued. 

**INT. CUT TO: CHOIR ROOM - DAY**

**(bell ringing)**

**RACHEL (walking in): He’s not coming.**

**FINN: What happened?**

**INT. CUT TO: WILL’S SPANISH ROOM**

**RACHEL: They’re my famous sugar cookies. I bake them for the poor during Christmastime, But i whipped up a special batch. Just for you. I wanted to say how sorry i was for what I said.**

**WILL: Don’t be. You were right. You know, the truth is, Rachel, if you weren’t so hard on me, I never would have had the guts to start Acafellas.**

**RACHEL: But we need you, Mr. Schue. You’ve missed six rehearsals in the past couple of weeks, And when you’re there, you’re not really there.**

**WILL: Which is why I think you should go ahead and hire Montana.**

**RACHEL: Dakota.**

**WILL: Whatever. You know, I’ll still be there to help you guys sing and stuff, But, uh, I just don’t have time for all of it anymore.**

**INT. CUT TO: CHOIR ROOM - DAY**

**FINN: Of course he doesn’t want Anything to do with us after you kicked him in the nads.**

**RACHEL: Then why did he thank me?**

**SANTANA: The goal is to win. And now that Mr. Schuester has agreed to let us hire Dakota Stanley, we can.**

**FINN: But he doesn’t want us to. He just doesn’t have The confidence to coach us anymore. Guys are real sensitive when it comes to this kind of stuff.**

**RACHEL: And that’s my fault?**

**FINN: Do you see anyone else in here With a plate of “I’m sorry” cookies? I don’t. Just you.**

"Damn." Cameron chuckled and Rachel glared at him. 

"Sorry Rach." Finn said into her hair and Rachel giggled. 

"No, I kinda needed that. I was being a bitch." 

**QUINN: I’m bored. All those in favor of hiring Dakota Stanley? (all except Finn raise their hand)**

**(bell ringing)**

**INT. CUT TO: HALLWAY - DAY**

**FINN: Hey, wait up. You can’t do this to Mr. Schuester.**

**RACHEL: What? make him a hero? Once we hire Dakota and win nationals, he’ll thank me for it. You heard Santana. It’s all about winning.**

**FINN: Since when?**

**RACHEL: Look, you have your popular clique and your football And your cliché of a blonde girlfriend Glee is my one shot. If this doesn’t work out, then my whole high school life Will be nothing but an embarrassment.**

**FINN: What’s a cliché? is that a bad thing? Wait, wait, wait, wait, wait. Is this one of those chick things where you’re pissed about one thing, but you’re just pretending. Like you’re pissed about something else? ‘Cause…**

"You apparently know more about girls than Coach Tanaka." Kurt observed and Quinn shook her head. 

**RACHEL: I don’t know what you’re talking about.**

**FINN: Well, for a while there, you were kind of all over me And now you just yell at me all the time. It makes me think that you’re still upset about what happened in the auditorium.**

**RACHEL: I’m not. I’ve moved on and I’m focusing on my career now.**

**FINN: So you want to talk about it?**

**RACHEL: No. And neither do you. It’s kind of ironic how you’re Mr. Popular, and I’m just this nobody that everybody makes fun of, But I have enough confidence to say out loud that what happened between us in the auditorium was real. You have feelings for me And you just don’t have the guts to admit it. We’re hiring Dakota Stanley.**

**FINN: Even if it means me quitting?**

**RACHEL: Yes.**

**INT. CUT TO: SUE’S OFFICE - DAY**

**SUE: It’s a good start. You’re sewing the seeds of destruction.**

**QUINN: Mr. Schuester barely even shows up for rehearsals.**

**SUE: Oh, no, no, no. “Barely” will not cut it. I will not be satisfied until glee club is disbanded. And what about this Dakota character? Any chance he actually helps?**

**QUINN: They’re soft. He’ll eat them alive. I give them 15 minutes before the first one quits or tries to commit suicide.**

Kurt flinched and this time Finn noticed and he frowned. 

**SUE: You know, ladies I learned a lot in special forces. I was on the strike team in Panama when we extracted Noriega. We took out the shepherd Then we went after the sheep. You need to go after these glee clubbers one by one. I want my full budget restored. I need a fog machine.**

"Is all that actually true?" Thad asked slightly shocked. 

"Why does she need a fog machine?" David asked looking to Kurt. 

"These are questions that I ask myself on a daily basis." Artie quipped. 

**INT. CUT TO: KURT’S LOCKER - DAY**

**MERCEDES: Have you ever kissed anybody?**

**KURT: Yes. If by someone you mean the tender crook of my elbow. No, I haven’t. But I want to. (Mercedes stares at Santana and Puck kissing) All right, stop it right there, Mercedes. We are in glee club. That means we are at the bottom of the social heap. Special ed kids will get more play than we will. The only thing that gets me by Is my knowledge that we are superior to all of them. What are you wearing On our operation Dakota Stanley field trip?**

**MERCEDES: Is there a dress code?**

**KURT: No, but every moment of your life Is an opportunity for fashion. We’ll hit the mall after school. Meet me at lunch.**

"Important life lessons with Kurt." Rachel joked and Kurt rolled his eyes. 

"Whatever Berry, you know I fixed your style." 

**MERCEDES: Okay.**

**QUINN: You should totally scoop that.**

**MERCEDES: I don’t think i’m his type.**

**QUINN: Oh, I think you are. Just follow our lead. We’ve got your back.**

**INT. CUT TO: RESTARAUNT STAGE (Will, Henri, Ken, and Howard all singing “Poison” by Bel Biv DeVoe)**

**(cheering and applause)**

**EMMA: Yay, Ken. Ken Tanaka.**

"Why is she so adorable?" Nick asked and Jeff smiled. 

"You're cuter." He said nuzzling his nose into Nick's neck. 

**WILL: In my own little way, I felt like I was finally a star.**

**MR SCHUESTER (selling an Acafellas disk): Thank you so much.**

**MRS. SCHUESTER Acafellas!**

**MR. SCHUESTER: Hey! Son, this is huge. We just sold all 17 copies of your cd.**

**MRS. SCHUESTER: I didn’t even have to show any of them my bosoms.**

"What?" Sam laughed and Quinn placed her head into her hands. 

"Oh God, Mr. Schue and Miss Pillsbury are the only normal and probably decent adults in this stupid town." She groaned and Puck rubbed her arm comfortingly. 

**MR. SCHUESTER: Doodle honey, you go get yourself a Sanka. Yeah.**

**MRS. SCHUESTER: Okay.**

**WILL: Thanks, mom.**

**MR. SCHUESTER: Good job. (chuckles) I bought one for my grandson. So he can hear for himself How good his old man was.**

**WILL: Ah.**

**FIGGINS: Schue, that was an amazing performance.**

**WILL: Oh, thank you. I mean, we’re just starting out, so…**

**FIGGINS: Look, there’s a PTA meeting next Thursday night and I want Acafellas to be the main event. I need those parents happy. They found out we’ve been serving Their children prison food.**

"Actually?" Blaine asked horrified and Kurt nodded with a sigh. 

Blaine wrapped an arm around the countertenor and sighed when he snuggled into him. 

**WILL: Uh-huh.**

**MR. SCHUESTER: Great job, Son.**

**INT. CUT TO: TEACHERS’ LOUNGE - DAY**

**(bell ringing)**

**WILL (reading a newspaper): Well “Is it too soon to call Will Schuester 'the next michael buble?’ the audience last thursday at benchwarmers sports bar didn’t think so. And Ken Tanaka’s smoky baritone is like a cool fog that sweeps over a deep ocean of emotional intensity. A big thumbs-up to Henri St. Pierre who proves you don’t need all ten fingers to pluck a lady’s heartstrings like a well-tuned sexy harpsichord. Only Howard…” Uh, sorry, Howard. They didn’t say anything about you. “Buckle up, Ohio. Are you ready for a new musical sensation? You’d better be, because here come the Acafellas.” Yeah!**

**SANDY (walking in): Oh, congratulations on your dead tree valentine, gentlemen. By the way, I want in. Stop right there, William. I’ve got two words for you. Josh Groban. He’s coming to the PTA event.**

**HOWARD: Who is Josh Groban?**

**SANDY: Who is Josh Groban?! Kill yourself! He is an angel sent from heaven to deliver platinum records unto us. And if he were here right now, I would club you to death with his Critics’ Choice award.**

"Why is he so extra?" Mercedes huffed in annoyance. 

**KEN: Why would he come to our show?**

**SANDY: Because i invited him. Josh and i have become frequent pen pals since he accidentally friended me on Myspace. And being my close personal confidant, he is only interested if I am in the group.**

**WILL: No, Sandy. We have standards.**

**SANDY: Okay, fine. But just so you know, the blogs are all atwitter. They say he’s looking for an opening act.**

**INT. CUT TO: OUTSIDE VOCAL ADRENALINE PRACTICE, BY KURT’S CAR**

**MERCEDES: Damn, Kurt, this car is fly.**

**KURT: My dad got it for my sweet 16 After I swore to stop wearing formfitting sweaters that stop at the knee. What he doesn’t know doesn’t hurt him.**

"You look lovely." Blaine murmured into Kurt's hair. Blaine felt warmth spread through his chest when he giggled. 

**(car alarm chirps)**

**QUINN: Are we even sure They’re rehearsing today?**

**RACHEL: Vocal adrenaline rehearses every day From 2:30 until midnight.**

**MERCEDES: I’m just so nervous these Vocal Adrenaline kids are gonna laugh at us. They’re so cool and popular, and we look like we just stepped off the short bus.**

**KURT: Those sweaty Nazis have just had more time to practice. We have more heart. And you don’t look touched in the head. That outfit is amazing.**

**MERCEDES: So, would you ever, you know, want to hang out?**

**KURT: Come over. It’s Liza Minnelli week on AMC!**

**RACHEL: Guys! That’s Andrea Cohen. She won Outstanding Soloist last year at Absolutely Tampastic.**

**VOCAL ADRENALINE GIRL: You can’t (other girl coughing) Leave rehearsals for any reason. That includes heat exhaustion or Crohn’s disease.**

"Damn, I knew he was bad but I didn't think he was this bad." Puck muttered looking at his new directions worriedly. 

**RACHEL: Are you guys Vocal Adrenaline? We’d like to talk to Dakota Stanley about choreography for our glee club.**

**SECOND GIRL: Don’t! He’s a monster.**

**INT. CUT TO: VOCAL ADRENALINE STAGE (Vocal Adrenaline performing “Mercy” by Duffy**

**DAKOTA STANLEY: Get off my stage!**

**INT. CUT TO: DAKOTA’S CAR**

**RACHEL: Mr. Stanley! We’re the McKinley High glee club.**

**DAKOTA: No interviews.**

**TINA: We’d like you to choreograph for us.**

**DAKOTA: Look, my fee is $8,000 per number, plus a $10,000 bonus if you place in the top three. And with dakota stanley at the wheel, You will place at the top three. Move it.**

"Very confident." Wes observed. 

"Cocky." Thad corrected. 

**(engine revs, tires squeal)**

**RACHEL: How are we gonna get $8,000?**

**(bell rings)**

**INT. CUT TO CHOIR ROOM**

**(Will teaching Ken a dance)**

**WILL: Kick that way and back. You kick out…**

**KEN: Hold on. Hold on. Okay, one more.**

**WILL: Okay. Kick out. Right behind you. It’s all right.**

**KEN: Where is everybody?**

**(phone rings)**

**WILL: Sandy went to get Henri from wood shop. And, oh, there’s Howard. Hello?**

**HOWARD: I don’t think i can be in the band anymore.**

**WILL: What?!**

**HOWARD: I’m doing inventory. It was never my dream.**

**KEN: What?**

**WILL: Howard’s out.**

**KEN: Oh, that-that’s just great. What’s he- Hey. Emma. You didn’t, uh, see me dancing earlier, did you?**

**EMMA: Oh, is that what that was? Look,  have some bad news.**

"Damn. Miss Pillsbury is savage." Puck approved and Rachel rolled her eyes. 

**KEN: You’re breaking up with me. What, here? In front of another dude?**

"He needs to relax." Reid sighed. 

"She should though." Finn pointed out. 

**EMMA: No, look, please stop talking. Um, no, look, I think the Acafellas pressure has proven to be a little bit too much for Henri.**

**WILL: Really, why?**

**EMMA: Well, he just downed six bottles of cough syrup, Which is a lot, even for him. Um, he’s okay. Sandy’s in the emergency room with him now, But Figgins is insisting before he comes back, and can be around kids again, that he goes to rehab. So that’s where he’s going tomorrow morning.**

"He's still not back yet. I wonder if he's okay?" Tina said thoughtfully. 

**KEN: That’s just great. So acafellas is officially doomed now. You know, uh, when I get stressed, I, I work out. You can probably tell. So I’m gonna, uh, down some power bars, knock off a few reps. Come up with some solutions here.**

"I think he's only going to do the first part of that statement." Blaine said eyeing the figure on the screen. 

**WILL; It was fun while it lasted.**

**EMMA: I don’t think you should give up so easy, Will. You know, they said Van Halen was dead after David Lee Roth quit, but my worn-out single of “Right Now” says that they were wrong.**

**INT. CUT TO WILL’S SPANISH  ROOM**

**(knocking on door**

**FINN: You got a sec, Mr. Schue?**

**WILL: Yeah, of course. What’s up?**

**FINN: I just want to tell you that i’m quitting glee, too.**

**WILL: I didn’t quit glee.**

**FINN: Well, you might as well have. It’s nutty in there. I try and talk sense into Rachel, But she’s gone all chick-batty. I gotta be honest with you. It’s hard being the quarterback when i get in the huddle And all the guys are calling me “deep throat.” Glee’s bringing down my rep, man.**

**WILL: Have the guts to stick with it a little bit longer. You are a gifted performer, Finn. You can’t quit now. If you do, you’re just gonna regret it for the rest of your life. Trust me. I know.**

**FINN: It’s just not fun anymore.**

**WILL: Hey, Finn, wait. There’s something I want to talk to you about.**

**INT. CUT TO: BOYS’ LOCKER ROOM**

**PUCK: Hey, coach.**

**KEN: What do you want, Puckerman?**

**PUCK: I hear there’s a vacancy in your a capella group. I want to offer my services. I play guitar. And actually, I’m a really good singer. There are a lot of moms at your gigs, right?**

**PUCK (in voiceover): Well, here’s the thing you should know about me: i’m not like everybody else in this crappy cow town. i’ve got star potential, and more specifically, I’m tired of wasting my time with high school girls.**

**(bell rings)**

**INT. CUT TO: HALLWAY**

**PUCK: You’re breaking up with me? why?**

**SANTANA: Your credit score is terrible. What I need as a woman is financial security.**

**PUCK (in voiceover): See, young girls will shoot you down and make you feel terrible about yourself but a cougar never disappoints.**

**INT. CUT TO: BACKYARD**

**PUCK: Thanks, Mrs. H.**

**MRS. H: Is that a nipple ring?**

**PUCK: Yeah, I’m kinda rock and roll.**

**MRS. H: I need your help unclogging my bathtub drain.**

"Oh, ewww. Are you kidding me?" Rachel groaned and Puck shrugged. 

"Hey, I have needs." 

"Are any of them normal?" Flint whispered to Logan. 

**PUCK (in voiceover): the proof was in the sexual pudding. My above-ground pool cleaning business went through the roof once I embraced my gift for music and gave these fine ladies the romance they were missing. I also stopped beating people up so much.**

**PUCK (voiceover finished): When do we start rehearsals?**

**KEN: Now you listen to me, you little psychopath. My love life is hanging by a thread and that thread is Acafellas. It drives my girlfriend nuts in the pants. So if you screw this up for me, I swear to you I will stick my fist so far down your throat, you will taste my armpit hairs. Do I make myself clear? Good. We rehearse Tuesdays and Thursdays at 8:00. Don’t be late.**

"Is he talking about Miss Pillsbury? She doesn't seem like the kind..." Mike trailed off. 

**INT. CUT TO: CHOIR ROOM**

**(Will teaching Puck and Finn a dance)**

**WILL(playing chord rhythmically): Do that. Okay, come on.**

**(Finn bumps into Puck and Puck shoves him away)**

**(grunts) (music stand clatters) (sighs)**

**PUCK: Dude, my bowels have better moves than you.**

Everyone laughed except for Rachel and Finn. 

Finn blushed and Rachel frowned. "I like your dancing." She protested. 

**WILL: Guys, stop. You guys got the steps down. You just need to relax, okay? Um, you guys play baseball, right? What does your coach tell you about hitting?**

**PUCK: “If you charge the pitcher, bring the bat.”**

**WILL: Okay, um, but I’m sure he also tells you to relax, right? 'Cause hitting’s all about the hips, right? You gotta loosen them up. Just swing that bat. All right, pretend, acafellas, Madison Square Garden. Here we are. All those beautiful ladies out there. You swing that big ol’ bat. Bam! Hit some home runs, all right, guys? All right. (chuckles) Now let’s try it from the top, okay? Here we go. (playing chord rhythmically) Five, six, seven, eight. Yeah. Aw, yeah. Yeah, get those hips into it. (laughs) That’s it! That’s it! All right! Uh! Yeah! (laughs)**

"Wow, he's a really good teacher." Wes murmured. 

"The best." Mercedes agreed. 

"He could be better." Santana shrugged and Quinn hit her on the arm lightly. 

"He could probably teach you guys how to dance." Kurt laughed and Blaine giggled along with him. 

"Not for the enemy!" Rachel screamed.

**FINN: That baseball thing sure was good, Mr. Schue.**

**PUCK: Totally. That was awesome.**

**(bell rings)**

**INT. CUT TO: MERCEDES’S LOCKER**

**RACHEL: We need to have a gay-vention. That’s a gay intervention.**

**TINA: it’s K-K-Kurt. He’s lady fabulous.**

"Thanks Tina." Kurt said smiling proudly. 

"Oh," Bline exclaimed, "I forgot to ask. Why are you stuttering?" 

Tina sighed and looked at Artie regretfully. "I'm sure it will tell you." She muttered, gesturing to the screen. 

**RACHEL: It’s obvious you like him. We just don’t want you to get hurt by feelings He can’t reciprocate.**

**MERCEDES: Look, just because he wears nice clothes, doesn’t mean he’s on the down-low.**

**RACHEL: He wore a corset to second period today.**

"And I looked great doing it." Kurt huffed. 

**TINA: You can do better, Mercedes.**

**MERCEDES: Really? Well, what if I can’t? There’s not a lot of guys around here Knocking down my door for a date. Or yours, for that matter. Nobody notices us. Hello? We’re in glee club. And I’m tired of being lonely. Aren’t you? But Kurt… Kurt is sweet to me, and he likes who I am, And I like how I feel when I’m with him. And he’s in our group, he understands what I’m going through. Now, maybe that’s not enough for you guys, but it’s enough for me.**

**INT. CUT TO: CAR WASH IN THE SCHOOL’S PARKING LOT**

**EMMA: you know what, sue? i got to say, I really misjudged you. Getting the cheerios to help out with the glee club choreographer fund-raiser Is one of the nicest things I’ve ever seen.**

**SUE: Well, Erma, i’m willing to do whatever it takes to make this glee club successful.**

**MAN: come on!**

**EMMA: Ooh! So excited. Oh, I love a car wash, too, though, you know. When I was little, if I got all “A"s, my dad would let me wash his car, so I’d get my little toothbrush out, and I’d clean it all weekend long.**

**SUE: You know, the way you use your mental illness to help these kids is really inspiring. I’m shocked you’re not married.**

"She's terrible." Cameron said crossing his arms over his chest and almost everyone nodded along with him. 

**INT. CUT TO: KURT’S CAR**

**MERCEDES: (sighs) Your rims are clean. We’ve polished them, like, three times already.**

**KURT: Did you bring a change of clothes? Because we’re going straight to sing-along Sound of Music.**

**MERCEDES: So, listen, Kurt, this is like the third time we’ve gone out. Can we just make it official?**

**KURT: Make what official?**

**MERCEDES: You know, that we’re dating.**

**KURT: I’m sorry, Mercedes, But I thought I made it very clear. I’m in love with someone else. (Kurt glances at Finn, as Mercedes turns to look, Rachel gets in the way of Finn)**

**MERCEDES: Rachel?**

**KURT: Yes. For several years now.**

The room was dead silent before everyone burst out laughing. 

"I can't believe you let me think that." Mercedes said between chuckles and Kurt could only slime widely in response. 

**MERCEDES BEGIN SINGING "Bust Your Windows” by Jazmine Sullivan**

"Damn girl, kill it." David applauded. 

**KURT: You busted my window. How could you do that? You busted my window!**

**MERCEDES: Well, you busted my heart. Hm!**

"Sorry 'Cedes." Kurt sighed and Mercedes waved her hand. 

"Water under the bridge hon." 

**INT. CUT TO: CHOIR ROOM**

**DAKOTA: Okay, please examine your personalized menus. This is what you’re going to be eating for the next six months.**

**MERCEDES: Um, mine just says coffee.**

"That's not healthy." Jeff said with a frown. 

"I know," Mercedes frowned, "I've tried." 

The New Directions looked at Mercedes with worry at that. 

**DAKOTA: Mm-hmm.**

**RACHEL: What’s smelt?**

**DAKOTA: a pungent, low-carb freshwater fish. Okay, let’s start with today’s business. Artie, you’re cut. You’re not trying hard enough.**

**ARTIE: At what?**

**DAKOTA: At walking. We can’t be wheeling you around during every number. It throws off the whole dynamic, and it’s depressing.**

"He can't do that!" Luke growled. 

"That's  _not_  fair." Reid agreed. 

"Please tell me you guys got rid of him." Blaine asked looking up at Kurt. 

**MERCEDES: So, you’re kicking him out?**

**DAKOTA: Mm-hmm. Also you. Youse got to go, Effie. No, no, no. Yeah.**

**KURT: Uou can’t kick people out of glee club because you don’t like the way they look.**

**DAKOTA: Uh, why don’t you shut your face-gash And stay away from aerosol cans because You could burst into flames at any second? You three– you’re great. You’re perfect. Seriously. Don’t change a thing. Uh, you– ew, nose job.**

**FINN: Now just hold on a second.**

**DAKOTA: What? What was that, Frankenteen? Why don’t you, uh, wipe that dopey look off your face and get some lotion for those knuckles you’ve been dragging on the ground?**

**FINN: What’s wrong with you?**

**DAKOTA: What’s wrong with me? What’s wrong with me is that you’re freakishly tall. I feel like a woodland Creature. Um, am I hurting your feelings? Did I say something wrong? Because I thought you wanted somebody who respected you enough to tell you the truth. But maybe you don’t have the confidence to hear it, hmm? Maybe you need somebody who’s going to lie to you and tell you things like, “you got what it takes.” But you know what? As far as I can see, you don’t. So, why don’t you just take a little second, take a breather, And ask yourself, “Do I want to be a winner (laughs) or not?”**

**FINN: Screw this. I quit.**

**TINA: Me t-t-t-too. Let’s roll, artie.**

**DAKOTA: No. Great, great. You know, Separate the wheat from the chaff; that’s perfect.**

**RACHEL: Wait. Barbra Streisand. When Barbra was a young ingénue, everyone told her in order to be a star, she’d have to get a nose job. Thankfully, she refused.**

**DAKOTA: Where’s this going, Yentl?**

**RACHEL: Where it’s going is that We don’t need you. Let’s face it, we’re never going to be as good of dancers as Vocal Adrenaline. We’re gonna win because we’re different. And that’s what makes us special.**

**MERCEDES: They told J. Lo her booty was too big.**

**ARTIE: Curtis Mayfield was more successful after he became paralyzed.**

**FINN: Jim Abbott.**

**KURT: I have no idea who that is.**

**FINN: He was a one-armed pitcher for the yankees. Pitched a no-hitter.**

**DAKOTA: Okay, so, yeah. Misfits and spaz-heads and cripples can make it, too. That’s great. What’s your point?**

**RACHEL: Our point is that You’re fired. And i’m taller than you.**

"Yeah!" Everyone cheered. 

**DAKOTA: Barely.**

**INT. CUT TO: BACKSTAGE OF THE PTA MEETING**

**FINN: Wait, we have to wear mascara?**

**KEN: Sandy says it makes our eyes pop.**

**FINN: (sighs) Okay.**

**PUCK: There’s a lot of moms out there, right?**

**WILL: Guys, don’t worry about it. Just get in the zone, all right? This is going to be fun. Believe me. You’re going to remember this night For the rest of your lives.**

**FINN: Mr. Schue…**

**WILL: I know, you’re nervous.**

**FINN: No, that isn’t what i wanted to tell you. It’s just… thanks. For believing in me.**

**SANDY: He’s here! He’s here! Josh Groban is here! Front row, big brown eyes, cute as a buttermilk biscuit. I barfed.**

**WILL: Wait a minute. He actually showed up? I can’t believe it!**

**SANDY: Gentlemen, forget every experience you have ever had in your drab little lives. This is the most important thing you will ever do. Places!**

**Acafellas sing “I Wanna Sex You Up” by Color Me Badd (audience applauses)**

"Wow, that was actually pretty good." Thad hummed and Puck smile triumphantly. 

"Yeah, see I told you we were a hit." 

**INT. CUT TO: BACKSTAGE**

**SANDY (to Figgins): I would like to just go into the recording studio and lay some of those tracks down. And of course i would love to play some bigger venues. Wembley Stadium, Red Rocks… (gasping)**

**JOSH: Hey, guys, i’m josh groban. This is my bodyguard, Flex. We were in town. I was inducting Run-DMC into the Rock and Roll Hall of Fame last night, So I thought I’d stop by and say hello.So, which one of you is, uh Sandy?**

**SANDY: Ooh! Mr. Groban, we are so honored that you came here today.**

**JOSH: I came here to tell you…**

**SANDY: Yes, sir?**

**JOSH: Stop emailing me. This is a restraining order. Stop sending me nude photos. Stop calling me. i don’t know how you got my number! I don’t know how you got my number again after O changed it, but I don’t want any more of your edible gift baskets or locks of your hair, and O don’t want to read any more of those sonnets you wrote for me.**

"Aww, that sucks." Kurt sighed. 

**FLEX: That stuff got crazy, dude.**

**JOSH: Are we clear? Thank you, gentlemen. And by the way, great show. I mean, like, (imitates explosion) Explosive.**

**WILL: Thanks. Sorry.**

**INT. CUT TO: PARKING LOT OUTSIDE THE PTA MEETING**

**TERRI: I’m sorry, Will. I… I could have been more supportive. You guys were actually pretty good. And you were good. You were really good.**

**WILL: Yeah?**

**TERRI: Yeah. (They begin kissing in the parking lot)**

**MR. SCHUESTER (walking up): Don’t bother. She’s already pregnant. (giggling) Hey, kids. Have you seen Doodle?**

**INT. CUT TO: BACKSTAGE**

**JOSH: Now, you might be thinking, why would a pop star like me wome over here and talk to you? Well, let me tell you something. Throngs of screaming teenagers don’t do it for Josh Groban. No. Josh Groban loves a blowsy alcoholic.**

**MRS. SCHUESTER: (belches) Oh. Oh, wow. You’ll have to forgive me, ma'am. I’m a little bit drunk, And I’m afraid I’m not making good choices right now.**

**INT. CUT TO: PARKING LOT OUTSIDE THE PTA MEETING**

**TERRI: Maybe she slipped and hit her head again.**

**MR. SCHUESTER: You guys kicked some serious tail up there tonight. Sorry about the whole josh groban thing.**

**WILL: Nah, it’s all right. How are the other guys taking it?**

**MR. SCHUESTER: That Ryerson guy cried himself to sleep in Figgins’ arms, and Ken Tanaka is raiding the nacho bar. What about you? You okay?**

**WILL: You know, dad… I am. I mean, this was all a dream come true, But… I’m a teacher. And a really good one. That’s enough for me.**

**MR. SHCUESTER: I know. I saw the way your students look at you. You inspire people. You inspired me.**

**WILL: What do you mean?**

**MR. SCHUESTER: I’m going to law school. Night classes for now, until i get all of my prerequisites, but I registered yesterday. You made me realize it’s never too late too grow a pair and go after your dream.**

**WILL: That’s amazing, dad. That’s so amazing!**

**INT. CUT TO: KURT’S LOCKER**

**MERCEDES: Hey, Kurt. I just wanted to say I’m really sorry I did that to your car. I’ll pay for it to get fixed.**

**KURT: It’s okay. My dad took my baby away after he found my tiara collection in my hope chest.**

Everyone burst out laughing. 

"Kurt," Trent gasped between breaths, "you're hilarious." 

"Just wait. He only gets funnier." Quinn giggled. 

**MERCEDES: And I just wanted to say I hope it works out between you and Rachel. You’ll have really cute, loud babies.**

**KURT: Mercedes, I lied to you. I don’t like Rachel. I’m gay.**

**MERCEDES: Why didn’t you just tell me?**

**KURT: Because I’ve never told anyone before.**

**MERCEDES: You shouldn’t be ashamed of who you are, Kurt. You should just tell people, Especially the kids in glee. The whole point of the club is about expressing what’s really inside you, remember?**

"Nice point Mercedes." Finn said nodding in agreement. 

KURT: I can’t. I’m just not that confident, i guess.

"Kurt," Blaine said seriously taking both of Kurt's hands into his own, "you are the most brave, confident and stellar person I know." Kurt smiled and pecked Blaine's lips. 

"It's true. I want to be you when I grow up." Mike joked and Kurt scoffed before tossing a pillow at his head. 

**INT. CUT TO SUE’S OFFICE**

**SUE: Let me get this straight. The glee club got rid of Dakota Stanley; Mr. Schuester is back; and they’re busy at work on a new number, more confident than ever.**

**INT. CUT TO: CHOIR ROOM**

**WILL: And down clap, and up, clap, clap. Down, clap, and up, clap, clap.**

**INT. CUT TO: SUE’S OFFICE**

**SUE: This is what we call a total disaster, ladies. I’m going to ask you to smell your armpits. That’s the smell of failure. And it’s stinking up my office. I’m revoking your tanning privileges for the rest of the semester.**

"You guys get spray tanning privileges?" Tina asked looking to Quinn who grimaced. 

"Not anymore." She sighed.

**SANTANA(sobbing): oh, no! (sobbing)**

Santana glared at everyone, daring them to speak. 

No one did.

**QUINN: Ms. Sylvester, I want to thank you.**

**SUE: For what?**

**QUINN: For teaching me a valuable life lesson. When you really believe in yourself, you don’t have to bring other people down.**

"Wow, nice Quinn." Artie laughed. 

**INT. CUT TO: CHOIR ROOM**

**WILL:  Uh, uh, step, ball change and head. Step, ball change and head. Low and up. Low and high! Oh, what do you guys think?**

**RACHEL: Mr. Schuester?**

**WEILL: Yes, rachel?**

**RACHEL:It was really good.**

**WILL: Thank you. Thank you. Okay. From the top!**

Then a familiar voice asked. "Is that me?" 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> ehhh: is how I feel about this chapter


	5. Chapter 5

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Um, hey? I'm back? Sorry this took so long to write. I actually skipped an episode when writing and then my anxiety started acting up soooo... whoops. 
> 
> Good news, the new chapter shouldn't take as long. {Hopefully}

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Disclaimer: I do not own anything that you recognize.

"Mr. Schue!" The New Directions squealed and The Warblers turned to see him, Emma Pillsbury, Carole Hudson-Hummel and Burt Hudson-Hummel.

"Mom?" Finn questioned, "What are  you doing here?" 

"You didn't come home so I contacted Mr. Schue to find you and he told me and Burt that you were here." She answered and Kurt got up to hug his dad. 

"Can they watch too?" Mr. Schue asked looking at Wes and Rachel and they both nodded. 

**INT. HUMMEL BASEMENT.**

**[KURT selects the song “Single Ladies (Put A Ring On It)” by Beyoncé on his iPod. He, BRITTANY, and TINA perform the song in leotards.**

"Wow.  _Real_  sexy Kurt." Puck says between laughs. 

Kurt groans placing his head into his hands and Blaine smiles. "Real sexy." He purrs and Kurt's face reddened further. 

"A _hem_." Burt cleared his throat and Blaine immediately straightened.  

  **Suddenly a hand pushes a button and stops the music. It is KURT’s father, BURT HUMMEL. He gazes disapprovingly at what is taking place before him.]**

**KURT: Dad! You’re home early.**

**BURT: Deadliest Catch is on. What are you wearing?**

**KURT: It’s a unitard. Guys wear them to, uh, work out nowadays. Do sports. They wick sweat from the body.**

"Is that true?" Sam whispered to Mercedes who just shushed him.

**[BURT puts a finger in KURT’s unitard, letting it snap back into place. He nods.]**

**TINA: F-f-f-football!**

**KURT: Yeah, all the guys in football wear them. They’re jock chic.**

**BRITTANY: Totally. Kurt’s on the football team now. He’s the kicker – that’s the smallest guy on the field, right?**

**KURT: Yeah. Brit and Tina were just helping me with some conditioning work.**

**BURT: Hmm. Really. You know, I played in JC before I busted up my knee, popping wheelies on my third bike.**

**KURT: Cool. I guess we’ll have something to talk about, then.**

**[KURT chuckles.]**

**BURT: So one of you two his girlfriend?**

**[KURT is taken aback by the question, but he puts his hand on TINA’s back.]**

"I thought you said he was accepting?" Puck whispered to Kurt and Kurt just shrugged. 

"I wanted him to come out to me, not to assume anything." Burt clarified when he saw the looks he was getting. 

**KURT: But I’m not ready to be exclusive just yet.**

**BURT: Alright, just keep the music down. I can’t hear myself think up there.**

**[BURT starts to walk back upstairs, but stops to ask KURT something.]**

**BURT: And hey, Kurt. Be sure to get me a ticket to your first game.**

**[KURT nods feverishly. His grin disappears once he realizes the mess he is in.]**

"I'm sorry for worrying you Kurt." Burt apologized and Kurt just smiled. 

"It's fine."

**GLEE OPENING TITLE**

**CUT TO: INT. SCHUESTER APARTMENT.**

**[TERRI is doing deep breathing exercises. WILL is helping her and encouraging her. At first it appears that TERRI is having her baby.]**

"How did Sue even get this?" Will asked stricken and Emma rubbed his arm comfortingly. 

**WILL: You’re doing great, baby. Just keep breathing.**

**[TERRI’s sister KENDRA then interrupts the scene.]**

**KENDRA: No, no, no! Giving birth is not like how it is in the movies. It is bloody and bestial and you get poop all over your cowboy boots.**

"What?" Rachel exclaimed and Quinn just sighed. 

"No..."

**WILL: Well, I’m just trying to be supportive.**

**KENDRA: Oh, Will, this isn’t about you.**

**WILL: I’m sorry, Kendra, when was I making it about me?**

**KENDRA: Ugh. You have to be liked, Will. You’re nice and supportive and you avoid conflict.**

**[WILL looks to TERRI to see if what KENDRA is saying is true. TERRI nods.]**

**KENDRA: Your wife is going to be pushing a watermelon out of her boyhowdy in five months! She doesn’t need nice. She needs dolomites.**

"Boyhowdy?" Rachel repeated and David smirked. 

"Cockapoopie?" He said and Rachel's face flushed. 

**WILL: I can be tough.**

**KENDRA: Of course you can, sweetie.**

**[KENDRA gets off the couch and down to where TERRI and WILL are, on the floor.]**

**KENDRA: Okay, why don’t you come on down here? I’m going to show you how to rub the gas bubbles out of your wife’s stomach.**

**[TERRI looks panicked.]**

"That makes sense now." Will sighed. 

**WILL: Okay.**

**TERRI: No, no, wait!**

**[TERRI sits up quickly.]**

**KENDRA: Oh, no, no, no! You’ll like it. Phil still does it to me. Feels great.**

**TERRI: I don’t want him touching my stomach. I mean, maybe he would bruise the baby!**

**KENDRA: Oh.**

"I swear the adults just get worse and worse." Mercedes sighed but quickly added "Most." when she saw Will's raised eyebrow.  

**TERRI: Yeah. [then, to WILL] Honey? Would you get me a BLT?**

**WILL: S-sure. I – I’m – it’s gonna take a few minutes, though.**

**TERRI: That’s okay.**

**[WILL kisses TERRI’s forehead and gets up to leave.]**

**WILL: Alright.  Be right back.**

**KENDRA: Make me one too, but hold the tomato.**

**WILL: Okay.**

**KENDRA: And the lettuce.**

Sam wrinkled his nose and Jeff snorted in amusement. 

"So...Just a bacon sandwich?" Burt confirmed and Will nodded. 

**TERRI: I can’t do this!**

**KENDRA: Oh, don’t worry about it! You’re gonna have an epidural. I’m just making it sound worse than it is to make him feel guilty, and then you have him by the balls for the rest of your life.**

**TERRI: Kendra, if I told you something, would you promise not to tell anybody? Not even Phil?**

**KENDRA: Oh, my God. Is the baby black?**

Everyone burst out in laughter and Will nearly choked in shock. 

**TERRI: No!**

**[TERRI lifts her shirt up carefully, revealing the pad that is making her appear pregnant. KENDRA gasps in disbelief.]**

**TERRI: The doctor said it’s a hysterical pregnancy! I can’t tell Will. I can’t! He already has one foot out the door. This baby’s the only reason he’s still here!**

**KENDRA: What do you think he’s gonna do when he finds out you lied?**

**TERRI: Oh, God, I don’t know! I’ve got to tell him the truth. I’ve got to tell him and I’ve got to deal with the consequences!**

"S-She wanted to tell me?" Will asked in suprise and Burt frowned. 

"She shouldn't have hid it in the first place." Tina huffed angrily. 

"How could she lie about something like that?" Carole shuddered. 

[ **TERRI gets up to leave and presumably tell WILL of her hysterical pregnancy. KENDRA stops her.]**

**KENDRA: Okay, are you insane?**

**TERRI: What?!**

**KENDRA: Dishonesty is food to a marriage. It will die without it!**

**TERRI: I guess.**

**KENDRA: Stop being so emotional.**

**TERRI: Okay.**

**KENDRA: The solution is clear. We’re gonna have to get you a baby.**

**CUT TO: INT. WMHS TEACHERS’ LOUNGE.**

**[WILL walks in with a bagged lunch. Most of the tables are already occupied by teachers, and he is at a loss as to where to sit. He walks to the table occupied by EMMA and KEN and sets his lunch down.]**

**WILL: Hey, guys. I hope I’m not intruding.**

**EMMA: No, not at all. [then, to both KEN and WILL] Oh, um, so get this. You know how I’m kind of like a local news junkie, right?**

**WILL: Isn’t that kind of depressing?**

**EMMA: Oh, no, it’s kind of like a…kind of like a horror film, you know? It’s drug recalls and poisoned toys – Africanized bees, that was terrible.**

**KEN: That’s because disasters freak you out, yet fascinate you at the same time, sweetie. So you like the local news because it’s a way you can experience them from the safety of your condo.**

"That was...really sweet?" Tina said looking to Mike for confirmation. 

"Only a little creepy." Mike said with a nod. 

"Disasters fascinate me too." Ethan stated proudly and Thad smirked. 

"Well, you're just weird." 

**EMMA: A-anyway, yeah, um. They, they just finished this story on this zoo mauling, you know, and um, you’ll never guess who came on next.**

**CUT TO: INT. WOHN NEWS ROOM. FLASHBACK.**

**[ROD REMINGTON and ANDREA CARMICHAEL, two news anchors, are reporting the news.]**

**ROD: Well, let’s see what’s going on now with local champion cheerleading coach, Sue Sylvester in a brand new segment we call “Sue’s Corner.”**

"Oh no, not the cheerleading coach." Jeff groaned and Will sighed. 

**ANDREA: Take it away, Sue!**

**[The camera shifts to SUE’s desk at the news room. SUE’S CORNER begins.]**

**SUE: Thanks Rod, Andrea. You know, caning has fallen out of fashion in the United States. But ask anyone who’s safely walked the immaculate sidewalks of Singapore after winning an international cheerleading competition, and they’ll tell you one thing. Caning works! And I think it’s about time we did a little more of it right here. And to all those nay-sayers out there, who say, “That’s illegal! You can’t strike children on their bare buttocks with razor-sharp bamboo sticks!” Well, to them, I say, “Yes. We. Cane.” And that’s how Sue sees it!**

"That is illegal." Blaine huffed and Santana shrugged. 

"She does it to us. But she uses a pink one for me." Brittany said with a smile. 

Everyone looked at her worriedly.

**[During the last line, SUE lifts her right hand up to make the letter “C.”]**

**CUT TO: INT. WMHS TEACHERS’ LOUNGE. CONT.**

**WILL: They gave her a segment on the local news?**

**EMMA: Mmhmm.**

**WILL: Why?**

**[SUE walks into the teachers’ lounge with a box of donuts at her side.]**

**SUE: Well, because being a local celebrity who’s been written up twice on the sports page of USA Today has its perks, William. [then, to KEN, pointing at the chair directly in front of her] Hey, pal, you want to pull that chair out for me? My hands are still sore from signing autographs down at the Donut Hole this morning.**

**[KEN, after hesitating, pulls out the chair for SUE and returns to his seat. SUE sets the box of donuts down on the table.]**

**SUE: Brought you some holes I couldn’t finish! Oh, and uh, FYI, the overnights were through the roof. You don’t know what that means, do you? – “Overnights.” Well, that’s lingo for overnight ratings, which shows us leading in eighteen to forty-nine year olds, making WOHN Western Ohio’s number one local newscast.**

**EMMA: Wow.**

**SUE: “Wow” is the word, Alma! You know, I wasn’t always in the spotlight, but I didn’t want to end up stuck at a lousy high school, wrestling with mental illness, or forty, and single, coaching the worst football team in the history of our state, or having to go to the salon every week to have my hair permed. I didn’t want to have to do that to myself. So, I sent out my resume and I am so happy to tell you that I am busting out of my box! Ah, I’d love to stay and chat but I got a satellite interview. That’s lingo, again, for an interview… via satellite.**

"Wow, she's _soooo_ cool." Trent rolled his eyes. 

"Hey, hey, Kurt, guess what?" Luke said and Kurt tilted his head. 

"I've got a  _satellite interview_. It's an interview... _via satellite._ " 

"I think she just really wanted to use the word via in a sentence." Nick muttered and Jeff snorted. 

**[SUE turns and walks out of the teachers’ lounge, leaving WILL, EMMA, and KEN speechless.]**

**CUT TO: INT. WMHS CHOIR ROOM.**

**[WILL is passing out sheet music to the Glee Club, namely RACHEL, FINN, KURT, MERCEDES, TINA, ARTIE, QUINN, SANTANA, and BRITTANY. After inspecting the sheet music for a minute, RACHEL finds a problem.]**

**RACHEL: Excuse me, this isn’t the right key.**

"Oooo." Rachel winced. "I'm really sorry about this Tina."

"It's fine, Rach, I forgive you."

**WILL: No. It’s actually the right key.**

**RACHEL: No, no, this is the alto part.**

**WILL: Yep. Tina’s doing the solo.**

**RACHEL: I’m sorry, there must be some sort of mix up. I thought I made it very clear that anything from “West Side Story” goes to me. Maria is my part! Natalie Wood was a Jew, you know. I’ve had a very deep, personal connection to this role since the age of one.**

Reid snorted and Finn smiled at his girlfriend's antics.

**WILL: Well, I’m trying to shake things up a bit. Get us out of our boxes.**

**RACHEL: You’re trying to punish me.**

**WILL: I think you’re being irrational.**

**RACHEL: I think you’re being unfair!**

**WILL: I think you’re being unfair to Tina, who might have been happy about getting her first solo.**

**RACHEL: Tina knows how much I respect her and I think she would agree with me that she’s not ready for such an iconic role as Maria.**

**[MERCEDES interjects after looking over the sheet music.]**

**MERCEDES: Wait… I’m a Jet?**

**[RACHEL emotionally storms out of the room.]**

**ARTIE: The more times she storms out of rehearsal, the less impact it has.**

"It was getting a little old wasn't it?" Rachel asked weakly. 

Quinn smiled at her kindly.

**WILL: Congratulations, Tina. This is going well.**

**[MERCEDES and ARTIE congrulate TINA for getting the solo.]**

**CUT TO: INT. WMHS CHOIR ROOM. LATER THAT DAY.**

**[All of the club members have left except for FINN and KURT who are on their way out.]**

**KURT: Finn? I needed to ask you something.**

**FINN: Thanks, but I already have a date to the prom. But I’m flattered! I know how important dances are to teen gays.**

"What does that even mean?" Nick wondered and Kurt just sighed and shook his head. 

**KURT: I’m not gay.**

**FINN: Oh.**

**KURT: I just… I needed a favor.**

**CUT TO: EXT. WMHS FOOTBALL FIELD.**

**[The football team is practicing and doing drills under the supervision of KEN. Several of the team members fall down during a running drill.]**

**KEN: This is not that difficult, gentlemen, let’s go.**

**[The camera pans to FINN and KURT, who are standing on the field. FINN is dressed in his football jersey and is stretching before practice. KURT is dressed in a red sweatshirt and has a blue headband in his hair. KURT is holding a football helmet.]**

**FINN: Just relax, okay? Remember what I told you. Keep your eye on the ball…don’t try to aim it. Okay, put your helmet on.**

**KURT: [adamantly] It’ll mess up my hair.**

"Better than messing up your head." Santana shrugged. 

"You should have borrowed Blaine's gel and used that as a helmet," Cam laughed and Blaine glared at him. 

**FINN: Put your…put your helmet on, okay?**

**[FINN helps KURT put the football helmet on, much to KURT’s distaste.]**

"Safety first." Will nodded approvingly.

**FINN: That’s good. Red’s your color.**

**KURT: Thank you for helping me with this, Finn. You’re really cool.**

**FINN: Well, I figure, the more crossover between Glee and football, the easier my life’s gonna be.**

**[KURT begins to walk away.]**

**FINN: Woah. Woah, woah, where are you going?**

**KURT: To get my music ready.**

**FINN: Wh-what? Are you nuts? You can’t use that!**

**KURT: But we did when we were rehearsing.**

**FINN: Practicing. And no one was around! Look, do you know how much interference I had to run with these guys just to get you this try-out? If you do it your way, they’re gonna kill you!**

**KURT: My body is like a rum chocolate soufflé. If I don’t warm it up right, it doesn’t rise. If I’m doing this, I’m doing it my way.**

"Yeah Kurt!" Mercedes cheered. "You tell him baby!" 

**[KURT walks away to get his music ready. PUCK approaches FINN.]**

**PUCK: So are you two an item now, or…? He doesn’t belong here!**

**FINN: You joined Acafellas, what’s the difference?**

**PUCK: I’m a stud, dude. I could wear a dress to school and people would think it’s cool.**

"I don't think so." Mike said skeptically. 

"Whatever Chang." Puck sniffed distastefully. 

**[KEN blows his whistle.]**

**KEN: Everybody take a knee.**

**[The team surrounds KEN and waits for him to speak.]**

**KEN: Six games. Our kicker, Mr. Langenthaal, is zero for twelve in field goal attempts. As most of you statistically minded people know, THAT SUCKS!!! So Mr. Langenthaal will thusly be in charge of hydration services. The next player that can get a football between those uprights will get his job.**

"How is your football team that bad?" Reid asked and Mercedes chuckled. 

"We're a lot better now. We have a new coach." Finn said proudly. 

**[KURT makes his way through the crowd of football players.]**

**KURT: Hi, I’m Kurt Hummel, and I’ll be auditioning for the role of kicker.**

Everyone burst out laughing, even Will and Kurt. 

"You are so adorable." Blaine whispered and Kurt flushed red. 

**[Several football players laugh, and KURT looks at them in disgust. FINN nods his head. KURT makes his way to the center of the field with a stereo CD player, and FINN walks by his side with a football. FINN puts the football down and holds it for KURT. KURT turns the stereo on and “Single Ladies (Put A Ring On It)” plays. KURT dances to the music. KURT kicks the football and it goes all the way through the uprights at a high velocity. KURT takes off his helmet as KEN rushes up to him.]**

"Damn." Wes summed up. 

"Pretty much." Quinn agreed and Kurt ducked his head. 

**KURT: That was good, right?**

**FINN: Aha, yeah.**

**KURT: That was good?**

**FINN: Yeah.**

**KEN: Can you do that with the game on the line and ten gorillas bearing down on you wanting nothing more than to taste your sweet virgin blood?**

**KURT: Mm, sounds like fun. Can I have my music?**

"Sounds like fun? Who even are you?" Rachel asked appalled. 

**KEN: If you kick like that, you can wear a tutu, for all I care! [then, to the rest of the team] Gentlemen! We have found ourselves a kicker!**

**[KURT waves to the football team as PUCK looks at him in disgust.]**

Reid and Luke glared at Puck but Puck had already turned to Kurt. 

"Sorry man." Puck apologized and Kurt shrugged. 

"Water under the bridge." 

**CUT TO: INT. SUE’S OFFICE.**

**[WOHN news station owner MR. MCCLUNG knocks on the door and then walks into SUE’s office. SUE is sitting down at the desk, autographing pictures of herself.]**

**MCCLUNG: More mail for you, Sue! But I think, I think there might be some, some hate mail mixed in for your editorial on littering.**

**SUE: Well, Mr. McClung, your station didn’t hire me because I was yellow. Not everyone’s gonna have the walnuts to take a pro-littering stance, but I will not rest until every inch of our fair state is covered in garbage. It’s why I pay taxes. It keeps garbagemen earning a living, so they can afford tacos for their family.**

"That's racist." Artie frowned. "And environmentally unconscious." 

**MCCLUNG: Fantastic. But I’m…concerned…about your future at WOHN. You see, my daughter goes to your school and she says that a lot of the top cheerleaders are defecting to the show choir. You know, it makes me wonder, if you’re losing all that talent, how you can expect to win Nationals. See, your segment’s all about being a champion, Sue, a winner. So… We need you to win Nationals. Okay! Uh, thanks a bunch. Great work.**

**CUT TO: INT. QUINN’S LOCKER / WMHS HALLWAY.**

**[QUINN is at her locker, visibly distraught with tears running down her face. FINN is approaching and calling her name, but she ignores him and walks down the hallway.]**

**FINN: Quinn! Quinn. Hey, what’s with the silent treatment? Whatever I did, I’m sorry.**

**[QUINN stops at a corridor and FINN catches up with her.]**

**QUINN: I’m pregnant.**

"Woah." David gasped. 

"Oh no," Carol murmured sympathetically. 

**[FINN is now lost in his own mind, and find it difficults to focus on what QUINN is saying.]**

**QUINN: I wasn’t sure, and I really didn’t want to go by myself, and I’m so sorry that I didn’t tell you sooner!**

**FINN: Mine?**

**QUINN: Yes, you. Who else’s would it be?**

**FINN: But we…we never…**

**QUINN: Last month. Hot tub.**

**CUT TO: EXT. FABRAY HOT TUB. FLASHBACK.**

**[FINN and QUINN are both in the hot tub in their bathing suits, making out. FINN senses that he is about to ejaculate from the arousal.]**

**FINN: Oh no. Oh no. Oh…**

**QUINN: Think of the mail. Think of the mail! Think of the –**

**CUT TO: EXT. FINN’S CAR. FLASHBACK.**

**[FINN hits a mailman with his car on his first time driving.]**

**CAROLE: You killed him! What are you going to do?!**

"Oh." Carol grimaced and Burt winced. 

**CUT TO: EXT. FABRAY HOT TUB. FLASHBACK.**

**[FINN cannot help it. He ejaculates.]**

**FINN: Oh…**

**CUT TO: INT. WMHS HALLWAY. CONT.**

**FINN: But we were wearing our swimsuits!**

**QUINN: Ask Jeeves said a hot tub is the perfect temperature  for sperm. It, it helps it swim faster.**

"I still can't believe you believed that." Tina sighed. 

"I can't believe I believed that." Finn muttered darkly and Quinn and Puck winced. 

Rachel rubbed Finn's back comfortingly. 

**FINN: Oh, my God. Oh, my God. Oh, my God. Are – are you gonna get a…?**

**QUINN: [crying] No. I really thought I had a shot at getting out of here! No.**

**[QUINN cries on FINN’s shoulder. He doesn’t know what to say or what to do.]**

**CUT TO: INT. RYERSON HOUSE.**

**[The camera is fixated on SANDY RYERSON’s doll collection. SANDY is wearing a Japanese kimono and is making tea to drink. He picks up a doll to inspect. SUE is standing next to SANDY, obviously disturbed.]**

"What the hell." Kurt said. "It's just one creepy thing after the other with him." 

**SANDY: I’ve been collecting since 1961.**

**SUE: Now, isn’t this just lovely and normal?**

**SANDY: [referring to his doll collection] They’re my everything. [then, referring to the whistling kettle] Tea time!**

**[SANDY chuckles, and then imitates the whistling kettle. He goes to get the tea.]**

**SUE: Right.**

**SANDY: So, to what do I owe the honor of your presence?**

**SUE: Oh, I just thought I’d stop by and say hello, buddy. Boy, the only thing missing from this place is a couple dozen bodies, limed and rotting in shallow graves under the floorboards.**

"For once I think I might actually agree with her." Will groaned while Emma's nose winkled in disgust. 

**[Coming back with his tea, SANDY motions towards the couch.]**

**SANDY: Please, have a seat on the Casting Couch.**

"What?" Sam voiced automatically looking to Kurt who winced and ran a hand through his chestnut locks. 

"It's a supposed practice whereby actors or actresses are awarded parts in films, plays, or other productions in return for granting sexual favors to the casting director." Santana answered surprisingly. Everyone turned to her and she shrugged. 

"I know every sexual way to break into the business."

"Okay then." Ethan laughed. 

**[SUE takes a seat. SANDY pours them tea and sits adjacent to her.]**

**SANDY: Oh, it is so wonderful to finally have some Sandy time. I have my bridge game on Fridays. Saturdays I am fully committed at the local cat rescue.**

**SUE: Sandy. Let’s cut the crap.**

**[SANDY begins to cry.]**

"Oh my." Quinn frowns. 

**SANDY: I’m living in a cocoon of horror! Yesterday, I ate nine cans of Aerosol whipped cream! No! Oh!**

"That's truly disgusting." Kurt gagged. 

**SUE: Sandy, Sandy. We have similar problems. You need to be back in the spotlight! I wanna offer you the school’s Arts Administrator position.**

**[SANDY sits up, interested in SUE’s offer.]**

**SUE: You will have control of all the arts programs. Music, art, drama – wait for it – [with some disgust in her voice] Glee Club.**

"Why does she hate the Glee club so much?" Wes asked and Will shrugged. 

"I don't know. I don't think she knows." 

**SANDY: It’s impossible. Figgins will never allow it!**

**SUE: Oh, don’t you worry about Figgins.**

**CUT TO: INT. FIGGINS’ OFFICE. FLASHBACK.**

**FIGGINS: I’m never letting Sandy Ryerson back in this school.**

**[SUE comes around to FIGGINS’ computer and pulls up a website.]**

**SUE: Take a look at this.**

**[A commercial for Mumbai Air starring FIGGINS plays on the computer. On the commercial, FIGGINS is stretching his legs his to prevent blood clots.]**

"Oh my Gaga!" 

"That-That's just horrendous." Mercedes groaned.

**FIGGINS: [on the commercial] Vascular embolisms are a serious hazard on long distance flights. So make sure to stretch your legs every hour to keep blood from clotting.**

**[On the commercial, FIGGINS puts on an anti-embolism stocking.]**

Finn laughed and Sam covered his eyes. Kurt's eyes were wider than they've ever been and Blaine had his head in his hands. 

**FIGGINS: [on the commercial] For additional protection, anti-embolism stockings can be purchased from your flight attendants.**

**[FIGGINS then mutters something in Indian, and the commercial ends.]**

SUE: Well, I would hate to think of this video circulating around the school. Better yet, YouTube.

"No wonder he made Sandy the director." Will winced and Rachel huffed a sigh. 

"Will we ever win?" 

**CUT TO: INT. RYERSON HOUSE. CONT.**

**SANDY: Our first order of business is Glee Club.**

**SUE: Oh! I couldn’t agree with you more. William is running it into the ground.**

**SUE: And there’s one lynchpin holding that group together.**

**SANDY: Rachel Berry. How do we steal her away?**

"I'm not a prize to be won." Rachel hrumped. 

"You sure left like one." Mercedes mumbled to Kurt and he stifled his giggles. 

**SUE: Hold on to your Easter bonnet, Sandy. I’m gonna fire four words at you. Liza. Minnelli. Celine. Dion.**

**SANDY: Oh… Yeah. I am yours.**

**CUT TO: INT. WMHS HALLWAY.**

**[RACHEL approaches a bulletin board in the hallway, interested in a flyer that she sees. It reads “Be a LEAD in our High School Musical! Audition for CABARET! Must audition with Celine Dion song of your choice.” She signs her name on the sign-up sheet and puts a gold star sticker next to her name.]**

**CUT TO: INT. WMHS AUDITORIUM.**

**[RACHEL is auditioning for Cabaret in front of SUE and SANDY. She performs an outstanding rendition of “Taking Chances” by Celine Dion.]**

"Wow." Luke gaped. "Everytime I hear you sing it's better and better." 

Rachel blushed and pressed her hand on her chest. "Oh thank you." Finn pouted and wrapped an arm around his girlfriend. 

**SANDY: Wow.**

**RACHEL: What’s next?**

**SANDY: Congratulations, miss Sally Bowles. You have just landed the lead.**

**[RACHEL is extremely happy. She puts her hands on her mouth and jumps up and down, excitedly.]**

**CUT TO: INT. FIGGINS’ OFFICE.**

**[FIGGINS is sitting at his desk, with WILL, SUE, and SANDY in the office.]**

**WILL: This is a joke!**

**FIGGINS: William. Sandy’s never been formally charged with anything, and the fact is, upon further reflection, my firing of him was rash! This is a wonderful thing, Will. How many times have you sat in that chair complaining how I don’t care about the arts program?**

**WILL: [to SUE] This was you. You have always been out to get me.**

**SUE: Oh, if I was out to get you, I’d have you pickling in a Mason jar on my shelf by now.**

"That-that was a direct threat." Blaine blinked. "And she's a teacher?" 

Artie nodded and Quinn laughed. 

"Unfortunately." Burt sighed. 

**SANDY: William, take a chill pill. I’m here to help you.**

**WILL: Oh, really? Is that why you stole my best singer?**

**CUT TO: INT. WMHS DANCE STUDIO.**

**[RACHEL, dressed in tights and a leotard, is stretching and practicing ballet. WILL is there, talking to her.]**

**RACHEL: An opportunity arose for me to showcase my talents and I took it. How is that any different from when you quit Glee to form your boy band?**

**WILL: Because I didn’t do it out of spite.**

**RACHEL: I’m offended by that accusation. I’ve always been a team player. Just admit it, Mr. Schue, you don’t like me very much.**

**WILL: That’s not true! I am your biggest, and sometimes your only fan.**

"Thank you Mr. Shue." Rachel said sheepishly. "I should've been more grateful to you."

"It's okay Rachel. I completely understand." Will said with a kind smile.

**RACHEL: Look, I know who I am, okay? I know I can be a little abrasive, bossy, and conceited. I’m just hurt that you chose to judge me on that rather than on my talent. I know it sounds awful, but I’m the best one in there! I try the hardest and I want it the most.**

**WILL: Everyone knows that. And they’re scared of it. They all think that they can slack off because you’ll pick up their weight. We can’t win Regionals like that! We need everyone to think that they’re a star.**

**CUT TO: INT. FIGGINS’ OFFICE. CONT.**

**SUE: We’re giving everyone a chance to think they’re a star! We’re providing** **opportunities** **. We’re opening doors. Find your voice, stomp that yard, all that crap.**

"Wow, she's such a great teacher. Not even bothering to make a compelling argument." Sam scoffed with an eye roll. 

"Sounds like Mr. Lovett." Wes laughed and Kurt snorted. 

"He doesn't even know science!" Kurt groaned and Burt raised an eyebrow, his interest piqued. 

"I know! The other day he tried to tell the class that a isotonic solution is when concentration is more on the inside than out." Jeff snickered. 

"Oh my Gaga! It was so funny, literally the whole class corrected him. It was absolutely amazing."  

The New Directions watched Kurt laugh with his friends with varying levels of dismay and joy.

_'Did he ever laugh like that with them?'_

**WILL: [to FIGGINS] What does she have on you?**

**[SANDY has had enough. He stands up.]**

**SANDY: Enough! I tried to play nice with you, William, but clearly, you’d prefer to be adversaries. So be it.**

**CUT TO: INT. WMHS DANCE STUDIO. CONT.**

**[RACHEL is now packing up her belongings and getting ready to leave.]**

**RACHEL: I’m not quitting Glee… I’m just looking for a reason to stay.**

**WILL: Oh, like me taking the solo away from Tina?**

**RACHEL: Everyone on the team is getting something out of being there. You’re doing a great job at getting them out of their shells. Except for me. I’m still getting my lipstick flushed down the toilet… I still don’t have a boyfriend. Tina’s great, but why do you have to hurt me to make her feel good?**

**WILL: Just come to rehearsal.**

**[RACHEL turns and exits the dance studio, pensive.]**

**CUT TO: INT. WMHS AUDITORIUM.**

**[TINA is singing “Tonight” from West Side Story on stage. WILL is at the side of the stage, encouraging her. Things are going great, but TINA gets nervous and blows the last note of the song. WILL comes over to her, clapping.]**

"Tina," Sam smiled, "that was really good." 

"Yeah, I'm so sorry that I always took your spotlight," Rachel said sincerely, "even if I do have more professional training that you."

**WILL: That was great, Tina. Good job!**

**TINA: You don’t have to say that. I was sh-sh-sharp. I c-c-c-can’t do this.**

**WILL: Hey, hey, look at me. Have you noticed the more confident you are, the less you stutter? Hey… I need you to be great at Regionals. To do that, you’ve got to know that you can do this.**

**TINA: You have to give this song to Rachel. She’s better than me, and you know she’ll quit if you don’t. I’ll have to t-take one for the team.**

**[TINA turns and exits the auditorium, leaving a dejected WILL on stage. He sighs. A very grievous FINN walks past TINA to WILL.]**

**WILL: Hey, Finn. What’s up?**

**[FINN tries to find the words to explain his feelings about QUINN’s pregnancy, but he simply cannot. Instead, he cries on WILL’s shoulder and WILL hugs him.]**

Finn blushes but Carol smiles gratefully at Will. 

"Thank you for being there for my son." 

"Of course." Will responded. 

**CUT TO: INT. RESTAURANT IN LIMA.**

**[WILL and FINN are at a restaurant. They are going down the salad bar.]**

**FINN: Thanks a lot for this, Mr. Schue. Couldn’t talk to my mom, you know?**

**WILL: [referring to QUINN] So how far along is she?**

**FINN: I don’t know. Uh, a couple weeks, maybe? It’s pretty recent, I guess.**

**[WILL and FINN walk to their table.]**

**WILL: Well, what do you, what do you need me to do? You want me to set you up with Planned Parenthood?**

**FINN: No. No, it’s not even a conversation. She’s keeping it.**

**[WILL and FINN sit down at their table with their food.]**

**FINN: I’ve seen the guys around town who had kids in high school. They work here or at the supermarket or pumping gas… or worse. They’re caged. Got no future. I can’t become one of those dudes! Mr. Schue, I gotta go to college, but we don’t have any money. I need a football scholarship, but the only way I’m gonna get one is if we start winning.**

**WILL: I’m not a football coach.**

**FINN: Remember when we were working on that Acafella stuff and you helped me and Puck with the dancing?**

**WILL: Yeah.**

**FINN: You loosened us up. That’s the football team’s problem! I figured it out, watching Kurt kick those field goals.**

**[FINN pulls out a book titled “Never Die Easy: The Autobiography of Walter Payton.”]**

**FINN: Here, check this out. I got this at the school library. Did you know you can just borrow books from there? All of them. Except for the encyclopedias, but… It says in here that Walter Payton was a great dancer. In college, he – he won dance competitions on “Soul Train” and he took ballet lessons, and he even got the whole Bears team to take them the year they won the Super Bowl. That’s how they came up with the Super Bowl Shuffle.**

"That's a nice idea. Using sports to help ease the football team into Glee." Reid approved. 

"It's probably not gonna work though." Lauren pointed out. 

**WILL: Alright, let me just get this straight. You want me to teach the football team how to dance? Eh… I don’t think Ken will go for that.**

**FINN: We’ll talk him into it. Look, you said you needed guys for Glee Club, right? If you can help us win one game, they’ll start to trust you. And I’m sure some of them will want to join. It’s a win-win for both of us.**

**[The camera suddenly pans to the table behind WILL and FINN. There, a young son and his father sit eating dinner. Acting like a father, WILL nods to FINN.]**

**WILL: Eat up.**

**CUT TO: INT. SCHUESTER APARTMENT.**

**[WILL and TERRI are in the bathroom, brushing their teeth at the mirror. WILL has presumably told TERRI about QUINN’s pregnancy.]**

**TERRI: How far along is she?**

**WILL: A few weeks. It breaks my heart. I mean, they’re both so scared to death, Ter. They’re just kids. They can’t raise a baby.**

**[TERRI suddenly stops brushing her teeth. A lightbulb has gone off in her head. She slowly continues brushing.]**

"Is this why she kept lying to me about the baby?" Will asked his nose wrinkling, "She tried to take yours?" 

Quinn nodded and Emma made a face of disgust. 

**WILL: I hear, this poor girl is so ashamed. She feels like she can’t tell anybody. I mean, can you imagine? Having to hide something like that?**

**[TERRI again suddenly stops brushing her teeth. She is reminded of the way she is hiding her hysterical pregnancy from WILL. She slowly continues brushing.]**

"Is it wrong that I don't feel bad?" Blaine whispered to Kurt and he shook his head vehemently. 

**WILL: All that effort, covering that up.**

**TERRI: What did you say her name was? Quinn?**

**WILL: Quinn Fabray. Oh, and here’s the kicker. She’s president of the Celibacy Club.**

**[WILL kisses TERRI’s forehead and walks away. A grin sneaks onto TERRI’s face; she now knows where she is going to get her baby.]**

**CUT TO: INT. WMHS BOYS’ LOCKER ROOM.**

**[The entire football team, KEN, and WILL are in the locker room. PUCK slams his locker door closed.]**

**PUCK: This is garbage! What the hell does Beyoncé have to do with football?!**

**FINN: Why don’t you ask Kurt? He seems to be the only one who can score on this team, even in practice.**

**PUCK: So we’re taking coaching advice from Lance Bass now?**

"I was actually surprised that you even cared enough to know who that is." Kurt admitted. 

"I am proud of my insults, I do good work and take my time thinking them up." Puck lied. He was honestly really ashamed of how he treated Kurt and wished he could go back and fix it. 

**[KURT frowns in distaste at PUCK.]**

**WILL: Guys. Guys! Athletes are performers, just like singers and dancers. I mean, think about it. Jim Brown, Dick Butkus…**

**FINN: OJ.**

**WILL: OJ. Right. All pretty tough guys; all of them had big careers as performers. Now, I don’t think you guys are losing because you don’t have the talent. You’re losing because you don’t have the right attitude.**

**PUCK: Oh, I get it. We have think more like Amazonian black women.**

**WILL: Think about it. If you can sing and dance in front of people, everything else is easy.**

**PUCK: [to KEN] Coach. Please. Step in here.**

**KEN: I’m down with it. I mean, heck, what do we got to lose? We gave up our pride when we lost to that school for the deaf.**

"Oooo," David winced, "that's really bad." 

"I really don't know how we even lost so terribly." Finn sighed. 

"How were you guys that bad?" Sam asked Puck in disbelief. 

"You've never had Ken as your football coach." 

**KURT: Sun Tzu says in his “Art of War” to never let the enemy know you. Our greatest weapon could be the element of surprise. Don’t tell me that you wouldn’t be on your heels if the other team started busting a move on the field.**

**[KEN blows his high-pitched whistle.]**

**KEN: Okay, too much talking, and not enough stretching. In the Choir Room in full pads in five. That’s five minutes. Let’s go!**

**CUT TO: INT. WMHS CHOIR ROOM.**

**[The football team, in full uniform, is standing in the choir room under the supervision of KEN and WILL. WILL tries to teach them basic dance moves to the rhythm of the piano.]**

**WILL: Uh, five, six, seven, eight, step ball change, up! Den, den, den, deh. Buh, buh, buh, uh, buh, buh, buh.**

**[The team is mediocre at attempting these moves. WILL blows KEN’s whistle.]**

**WILL: That’s good, guys. Your hips are still a little tight. Okay? It’s just like you’re playing football. It’s all about the lateral movements. Just stay low, and…**

**[KURT attempts to interject.]**

**WILL: Watch Kurt.**

**[KURT attempts to teach the team the choreography to “Single Ladies (Put A Ring On It)”. It is a bit better than the last attempt, but it still could use work.]**

**KURT: Alright, boys. Five, six, seven, hand, hand, point to the finger, hip, head. Oh! Sneak attack, back to the ring. Comb through the hair. Slap the butt.**

Everyone bursts out laughing and Kurt flushes a deep red. Blaine presses a kiss onto Kurt warm cheek. 

"You're amazing." 

**[KEN blows his whistle loudly.]**

**KEN: Okay, that’s enough for today, gentlemen. We’ll…work on it. Just hit the showers.**

**KURT: [to KEN] Um, Coach, I don’t mean to interject, but um, I think we should end with a show circle.**

"Oooo," Ethan sympathized. "one step at a time." 

**CUT TO: INT. WMHS HALLWAY.**

**[PUCK and FINN are walking out of the football team’s dance rehearsal in the Choir Room. FINN looks exhausted and worried.]**

**PUCK: What’s your problem?**

**FINN: Nothing. I just got a lot on my mind.**

**PUCK: Seriously, dude. What’s going on? I’m your best friend. Talk.**

**FINN: It’s personal.**

**PUCK: I knew it. You’re in love with Kurt.**

"Phsss I'm in love with Kurt." Tina laughed. 

"Honestly who isn't." Santana shrugged. 

"The only person not in love with Kurt, is Kurt." Artie remarked and Kurt stuck his tongue out at him.

**FINN: Quinn’s pregnant. She’s keeping the baby.**

**[FINN walks away and PUCK’s eyes grow wider. He cannot believe his ears.]**

**CUT TO: INT. WMHS HALLWAY.**

**[QUINN is walking down another hallway, carrying her books. She looks worried, just like FINN did previously. PUCK comes out of a corridor.]**

**PUCK: Sup, MILF?**

**QUINN: Leave me alone.**

**[QUINN continues walking, but PUCK follows after her.]**

**PUCK: Who’s the daddy? I just think it’s kind of weird if it’s Finn, since you told me you were a virgin when we did it… And I know for a fact that you didn’t do it with him.**

**QUINN: How can you be so sure?**

**PUCK: Finn’s my boy. He would have told me.**

**QUINN: You make a habit of sleeping with your boys’ girlfriends?**

"True." Nick mumbled. Puck looked away shamefully. 

**[QUINN walks down the hallway, and to get her attention, PUCK makes a spectacle over his next line, throwing his hands in the air and shouting loudly.]**

**PUCK: Well, call the Vatican! We’ve got ourselves another Immaculate Conception!**

"Way to be sensitive. " Mercedes huffed. "She just found out she was pregnant and you make a joke?" 

"What the hell else was I supposed to do?" Puck yelled. "Cry?" 

Mercedes made a noise of disgust and turned away. 

**[QUINN races back to PUCK and drags him to the nearest corridor to talk privately.]**

**PUCK: I’d take care of it, you know. You, too. My dad’s a deadbeat but I don’t roll that way.**

**QUINN: Weren’t you fired for peeing in the fast-food fryolator?**

**PUCK: I’ve got my pool cleaning business.**

**QUINN: We live in Ohio. I had sex with you because you got me drunk on wine coolers and I felt fat that day, but it was a mistake. You’re a Lima loser and you’re always gonna be a Lima loser.**

"You aren't a loser Puck." Quinn said softly. "You just got dealt a bad hand." 

**[QUINN runs down the hallway, overcome with emotion.]**

**CUT TO: EXT. WMHS PARKING LOT / QUINN’S CAR.**

**[It is pouring down rain outside. QUINN comes running to her car. She is crying. She opens the car door, sits down in the drivers’ seat, and sobs for a few seconds before she is interrupted by a voice. TERRI is sitting in the passenger seat.]**

**TERRI: How many weeks are you? From the looks of you, I’d say no more than five or six. I assume you haven’t told your parents yet. I mean, how could you? After Daddy bought you this car so you could drive him to the Chastity Ball. You can’t raise this baby, Quinn.**

"She is going way to far here!" 

"I thought her lying to Mr. Shue was bad." 

"She's absolutely crazy!" 

**QUINN: I’m sorry, but who are you?**

**TERRI: I’m just somebody who wants to help.**

**QUINN: I don’t need your help! Get the hell out of my car!**

**TERRI: Really? What kind of prenatal vitamins are you taking?**

**[QUINN has no response to this question. TERRI goes searching through her purse and pulls out a bottle of prenatal vitamins.]**

**TERRI: Yeah. Here. Three times a day, or your baby will be ugly.**

"That was actually kind of nice." Rachel frowned. 

"Still creepy." Sam said, shaking his head. 

**QUINN: I don’t understand. What do you want from me?**

**CUT TO: EXT. WMHS FOOTBALL FIELD.**

**[It is the night of the football team. Cheerleaders, including QUINN, SANTANA, and BRITTANY, are cheering. EMMA is sitting in the crowded bleachers, cleaning off the seat next to her with a moist towelette. WILL approaches her.]**

**WILL: Anyone sitting here?**

**EMMA: Um, no. Here, here, you can…**

**[WILL smiles and takes a seat next to EMMA for the game.]**

**WILL: Well, at least I know it’s clean.**

**EMMA: Yeah.**

**[“The Star-Spangled Banner” begins to play over the intercom.]**

**CUT TO: INT. WMHS BOYS’ LOCKER ROOM.**

**[KEN opens a case of whistles. After pondering for a moment, he selects one, and warms it up in his hands.]**

**"That's really cool. Maybe you could get that for Beiste for her birthday," Kurt said to Finn who hummed.**

**CUT TO: EXT. WMHS FOOTBALL FIELD. CONT.**

**[The football team, including PUCK, FINN, KURT, and a player named NICK, is standing on the side of the field, preparing for the game.]**

**FINN: Well, I think we, uh, really came together this week as a team.**

**PUCK: Yeah, a gay team. A big gay team of dancing gays.**

**[KURT is visibly unhappy after hearing PUCK’s homophobic remark.]**

**"Sorry Kurt." Burt glared at Puck.**

**Kurt didn't respond.**

**NICK: Seriously, Finn. It was fun in practice and all, but we can’t do that out here in front of everybody! It’ll make us even more of a joke.**

**[KURT looks at FINN as if to say “Do something!”, but the team heads out to the field and puts their helmets on. It is game time. The crowd, including WILL and EMMA, cheers happily.]**

**FINN: Divert right. Eighty-seven on one. Break.**

**FOOTBALL TEAM: Break!**

**[The REFEREE blows his whistle to signal the official start of the game. A RUDE PLAYER from the other team yells to FINN.]**

**RUDE PLAYER: Yo, QB! Your momma’s so fat, the back of her neck looks like a pack of hot dogs. Give me some ketchup!**

**FINN: [ignoring the RUDE PLAYER’s remark] Down, set, hut!**

**[The team does very badly in the first play. KEN and the crowd are disappointed.]**

**FINN: Punch and Judy on one, break!**

**[Again, the team does terribly. KEN is frustrated.]**

**KEN: Come on!**

**[BURT makes his way up the bleachers. Seeing him, KURT waves and jumps up and down from the bench.]**

**KURT: Dad! Dad!**

**[BURT makes a subtle wave.]**

**KURT: I told you! I told you!**

**[The game resumes.]**

**FINN: Jordan versus Bird on one!**

**KEN: Run!**

**[KEN throws his stuff on the ground. The scoreboard then changes. There are only twelve seconds left in the game. BURT looks unhappy in the bleachers.]**

**FINN: Cupid tips on one, break!**

**[ The timer resumes counting down. FINN’s mind is racing. He sees QUINN, KURT, and WILL. With one second remaining, he calls for a time out.]**

**FINN: Time out! [then, to PUCK] Dude. We gotta do it.**

**PUCK: We will be jokes for the rest of our high school lives.**

**FINN: We’re already jokes! I don’t wanna be a Lima loser for the rest of my life.**

**"Who even came up with that term?" Luke asked but Wes shushed him,**

**"They're about to dance. "**

**[PUCK looks over to QUINN with the cheerleaders. Then, the RUDE PLAYER from the other team starts talking to PUCK.]**

**RUDE PLAYER: Yo, left tackle! Your momma’s so fat, her cereal comes with its own lifeguard. Like Baywatch!**

**PUCK: Hey, ankle grabber. I had sex with your mother. No, seriously. I cleaned your pool, and then I had sex with her in your bed. Nice Star Wars sheets.**

**[The RUDE PLAYER does not know what to say. Clearly, PUCK actually did have intercourse with the player’s mother.]**

"I normally don't approve of your  _activities_ ," Quinn sniffed, "but I'm really glad you shut him up." 

"That was badass Puckerman." Lauren appraised and both Will and Emma frowned in distaste.  

**PUCK: [to FINN] Let’s do it, captain.**

**FINN: [to the entire team] Come on, huddle up! Huddle up! Okay. “Ring On It” on three. Yeah. Alright? Come on! On three! One, two, three, break!**

**FOOTBALL TEAM: Break.**

**[QUINN, SANTANA, and BRITTANY are shown cheering with the cheerleaders. At first the team is hesitant, but they do agree to dancing.]**

**FINN: Hut, one, two, three. Let’s hit it!**

**[FINN makes a motion, and suddenly “Single Ladies (Put A Ring On It)” is playing over the intercom. The whole football team dances to the song, much to the disbelief of BURT and the opposing team.]**

**FINN: Hike!**

**[FINN passes the football to PUCK, who makes it all the way to the end of the field. KEN and the entire crowd are extremely pleased.]**

**KEN: [to KURT] You’re up, kid. You make this and we win. You make this and you die a legend.**

**KURT: Can I pee first?**

**"** Absolutely l **egendary." Mike said in awe.**

**[KURT makes his way to the center of the field.]**

**BURT: God, he’s so little.**

**[KURT makes a motion with his hand. A short portion of “Single Ladies (Put A Ring On It)” again plays over the intercom. Kurt dances for a few seconds, and then kicks the ball and makes the field goal.]**

**FINN: Ten, hut!**

**[The REFEREE blows his whistle. The game is over, and the Titans have won. All thanks to KURT. BURT goes crazy in the crowd.]**

**BURT: That’s my son! That is my boy!**

**[PUCK is happy until he looks over to see QUINN and FINN kissing. His smile quickly disappears. He walks off the field.]**

**CUT TO: INT. HUMMEL BASEMENT.**

**[KURT is sitting at a mirror, spraying his face with some sort of skin care product. He proceeds to work at his skin with a pink sponge. BURT walks down the stairs and nods.]**

**KURT: Nighttime skin care is a big part of my post-game ritual.**

**BURT: Well, I don’t know what to say about that, but, uh… I was really proud of you tonight, Kurt. I wish your mom would have been there, I mean… alive.**

Kurt's eyes watered and Blaine carefully grabbed and held his hand. Both Kurt and Burt looked at Blaine gratefully. 

"Thanks." Kurt whispered softly. Carole rubbed Burt's back as he watched Blaine and Kurt together. 

"She would've like him." He said. Carole hummed in agreement. 

"I like him." 

**KURT: Thanks.**

**[BURT turns to go away, but KURT stops him. He has something he wants to say.]**

**KURT: Dad?**

**[KURT stands up. BURT turns around and focuses on KURT.]**

**KURT: I…have something that I wanna say. I’m glad that you’re proud of me, but I don’t wanna lie anymore. Being a part of the Glee Club and football has really showed me that I can be anything, and… what I am… is… I’m gay.**

**BURT: I know.**

**KURT: Really?**

**BURT: I’ve known since you were three. All you wanted for your birthday was a pair of sensible heels. I guess I’m not totally in love with the idea, but if that’s who you are, there’s nothing I can do about it. And I love you just as much. Okay?**

**"Yes!" Wes cheered and David** whistled. 

"Burt Hummel for president!" Cam joined in and pretty soon the whole room was yelling and cheering in excitement. 

**[BURT brings KURT in close for a hug.]**

**BURT: Thanks for telling me, Kurt.**

**[KURT nods. BURT turns to go upstairs and KURT sits back down at his mirror.]**

**BURT: You’re sure, right?**

**KURT: Yeah, Dad. I’m sure.**

**BURT: I’m just checking.**

**CUT TO: INT. QUINN’S LOCKER / WMHS HALLWAY.**

**[QUINN is standing at her locker. She closes it and FINN approaches. She smiles.]**

**FINN: Hey.**

**[FINN pulls a torn baby blanket out of his pocket.]**

**FINN: Here. It’s my gee-ge. This is the baby blanket my dad got me the day I was born. It was the only thing I had to remember him by. I used to cry without it, and I took it everywhere with me, so it’s a little dirty. But I want our baby to have it.**

**[QUINN is taken aback at FINN’s kind gesture. She now feels especially awful that the baby is not actually FINN’s.]**

"That was so sweet Finn." Mercedes gushed and Tina sighed. 

**FINN: I’m gonna do everything I can to be a good father.**

**QUINN: Thank you, Finn.**

**[PUCK walks up to FINN and QUINN. QUINN looks uncomfortable.]**

**PUCK: Hey, guys. How you doing? You know, lately, I’ve been getting really sick in the morning.**

**QUINN: Must be a virus.**

**PUCK: Hey, are you putting on a little weight? You should watch your carbs. They’re not going to be able to hoist you to the top of that cheerleading pyramid much longer.**

**"Puckerman!" Kurt yelled. Puck winced and then** **straightened** **.**

"How dare you say that to someone who is pregnant?" Kurt hissed. "Especially someone who carried your child in her stomach? Especially someone as beautiful as Quinn? Especially when you have been chasing her this entire time?" 

Puck at least had the decency to look ashamed. 

"Apologize now!" Kurt demanded and Quinn hid her smile behind her hand. 

"I-I'm sorry Quinn." Puck said meekly. 

"Sorry for what?" Quinn asked smugly, enjoying this way too much. 

Puck sighed heavily and pressed on. "I'm sorry for calling you fat after getting you pregnant." 

**FINN: Hey. Don’t talk to my girlfriend like that.**

**PUCK: You know what? You’re right. I was out of line. See you guys around.**

**[PUCK walks away from QUINN and FINN.]**

**CUT TO: INT. WOHN NEWS ROOM.**

**[SUE is sitting at her desk in the WOHN news room. SUE’S CORNER begins. An instrumental versions of “Taking Chances” is playing in the background.]**

**SUE: You know, there’s a question I get asked a lot. Whether I’m accepting an honorary doctorate or performing a citizen’s arrest, people ask me, “Sue, what’s your secret?” Well, I’ll tell you my secret, western Ohio.**

**CUT TO: INT. WMHS CHOIR ROOM.**

**[WILL walks in the door with PUCK, and football players MIKE CHANG and MATT RUTHERFORD. The entire Glee Club is already present.]**

**WILL: Hey guys! Let’s give a big Glee welcome to our three new members fresh off their big win on Friday night – Noah Puckerman, Matt Rutherford, and Mike Chang. Regionals, here we come.**

**CUT TO: INT. WOHN NEWS ROOM. CONT.**

**SUE: Sue Sylvester’s not afraid to shake things up.**

**CUT TO: INT. WMHS CHOIR ROOM. CONT.**

**WILL: Let’s start today with “Tonight” from West Side Story.**

**[RACHEL beams at the prospect of singing this song, and nods fervently.]**

**WILL: Tina, show us what you got.**

**[RACHEL is upset. The solo is still not hers. She has not gotten what she wants.]**

"I forgive you Rachel." Tina said as Rachel opened her mouth. 

"But-but I was horrible." 

"Yeah," Tina said simply, "and you still are sometimes. But so am I, and so is Puck and so is Sam. We are all going to be horrible to each other, because that's how we work. If you start apologizing for it then you're gonna mess up the dynamic." 

Rachel nodded with a small smile on her face while Will placed his head in his hands. 

**CUT TO: INT. WOHN NEWS ROOM. CONT.**

**SUE: You know, I’m tired of hearing people complain, “I’m riddled with this disease!” or “I was in that tsunami.” To them, I say, “Shake it up a bit!” Get out of your box! Even if that box happens to be where you’re living.**

"What the hell is wrong with her?" 

**CUT TO: INT. BACKSTAGE.**

**[SANDY is painting a set piece for the musical. RACHEL walks in.]**

**SANDY: I thought you had Glee practice, my little multi-tasking star.**

**RACHEL: I quit. I’m yours exclusively.**

"Well, you didn't have to do  _that_." Artie groaned and Rachel laughed. 

**CUT TO: INT. WOHN NEWS ROOM. CONT.**

**SUE: I’ll often yell at homeless people, “Hey! How’s that homelessness working out for you? Give not being homeless a try, huh?”**

"No, but seriously," Luke asked, holding his hands out. "what is her deal?" 

"This is how she's always been." Finn shrugged. "There isn't much hope that she'll change." Kurt admitted. 

**CUT TO: INT. BACKSTAGE. CONT.**

**RACHEL: “Maybe This Time” in B flat?**

**CUT TO: INT. WOHN NEWS ROOM. CONT.**

**SUE: You know something, Ohio? It’s not easy to break out of your comfort zone. People will tear you down, tell you you shouldn’t have bothered in the first place.**

**CUT TO: INT. HUMMEL BASEMENT.**

**[KURT is sitting at his mirror. He sighs while he scrubs his skin with a pink sponge.]**

**CUT TO: INT. WOHN NEWS ROOM. CONT.**

**SUE: But let me tell you something. There’s not much of a difference between a stadium full of cheering fans and an angry crowd screaming abuse at you. They’re both just making a lot of noise! How you take it is up to you.**

"Did she just give good advice?" Mike asked in shock. 

"No, no. I refuse to believe it." Emma said shaking her head. 

**CUT TO: INT. SCHUESTER APARTMENT.**

**[WILL and TERRI are in bed. TERRI is asleep, but WILL is restless. He is watching SUE’S CORNER on his television.]**

**SUE: [on television] Convince yourself they’re cheering for you. You do that, and one day… They will. And that’s how Sue sees it.**

**[During the last line, SUE lifts her right hand up to make the letter “C.”]**

**CUT TO: INT. WMHS HALLWAY.**

**[QUINN is standing at her locker, holding her books. She looks quite worn down. She cannot possibly do this.]**

"I really am sorry," Puck said genuinely, "You know that right?" Quinn nodded and gave him a stiff smile. "Of course." 


	6. Chapter 6

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Disclaimer: The characters, plotlines, quotes, etc. included here are owned by Ryan Murphy, all rights reserved. This fanfiction is not authorized or endorsed by Ryan Murphy or Fox. 
> 
>  
> 
> Also, there is some Will bashing in this chapter because someone has to be the villain and Sue isn't here yet. :-)

"I think we should watch two more and then we can all take a break." Wes said before pressing play.

 

**OPEN: INT. WILLIAM MCKINLEY HALL-DAY. Will** **Schuester puts up a flyer for the William Mckinley** **high glee club invitational.]**

 

"Oh no." Will groaned quietly, running a hand through his hair. "I remember this."

 

**CUT TO: INT. CHOIR ROOM-DAY. The Glee club is** **practicing.**

**Finn: _A singer in a smoky room_**

**Quinn: _A smell of wine and cheap perfume_**

**Both: _For a smile they can share the night_**

**Both: _It goes on and on and on and on_**

"Wow, you guys sound really good together." Luke complimented and Quinn stiffened, waiting for Rachel to get upset but all she did was smile.

 

"Yeah, you guys sound great together."

 

**Quinn places a hand over her mouth suddenly and** **runs out of the room.**

**Will: Quinn, you okay?  
**

**Finn: I think she just had a bad breakfast burrito.**

**Kurt: Can we please talk about the giant elephant** **in the room?**

**Santana: Your sexuality?**

 

Sam snorted and Kurt rolled his eyes.

 

"Santana, don't act like you don't love my sexuality." He smirked and Santana's lips twitched upward for a second.

 

**Kurt: Rachel. We can't do it without her.**

**Will: That's not true. We may have to layer Santana** **or Mercedes over Quinn's solo but... we'll be fine.**

**Artie: Maybe for the invitationals, but not for the** **sectionals. Certainly not the regionals.**

**Puck: The wheelchair kid's right. Rachel makes me** **wanna light myself on fire, but she can sing.**

 

Rachel beamed. "Aw, thank you Noah."

 

Puck merely shrugged.

 

**Will: Rachel left, guys. She's gone. Now, if we're** **gonna make this thing work, we can't look back.** **Alright, Take five, guys.**

**Will sits down at the piano as everyone relaxes and** **Finn walked up to him.**

**Finn: Um, Mr. Schue? I don't wanna tell you how to** **do your job but with all the dancing around that** **Quinn's doing, I'm kinda worried about the baby.**

 

"Finn, I think you would've been a fantastic father." Emma said softly causing Finn to flush red.

 

**Will: Yeah, I get it. Um. How about I give Tina a few** **of her verses? Okay?**

**Finn: Okay.**

**Will: You think you might wanna tell your mom** **what's going on?**

**Finn: I think I'd rather handle it myself right now.** **My mom's got enough to worry about.**

 

"Finn," Carol said firmly. "I will never not be worried, but even if I'm going through a lot, I'll always make time for you. Okay?"

 

Finn flushed red but nodded and Kurt felt a pang of pure missing for his own mother.

 

**CUT TO DINER-DAY. Will and Terri are sitting down**

**and eating together.**

**Will: How come you haven't had any morning sickness? Quinn Fabray's been upchucking every 15 minutes.**

 

"It's cause her baby doesn't exist." Quinn scoffed.

 

**Terri: Really? That's a really good sign. That means** **the baby's not a mongoloid.**

"Mongoloid? What is that?" Sam asked.

 

Lauren quickly pulled out her phone. "It's a person relating to the broad division of humankind including the indigenous peoples of eastern Asia, Southeast Asia, and the Arctic region of North America."

 

"It's also offensive." Mike added.

 

"It's also an offensive term for someone having down syndrome."

 

"Oh." Sam frowned. "That sucks."

**Will: Well, is it bad that you haven't been sick then?**

 

**Terri: Oh, no, honey. No, no, you should ask Howard** **Bamboo about my Linda Blair impersonations every half** **hour at work.**

 

**Will: Mmm. I don't know what I'm gonna do about** **this** **whole Rachel thing.**

**Waiter: Hey, Would you like anything else?**

**Terri: Another piece of grasshopper pie.  
**

**Waiter : What, are you going for the record?**

 

**Terri: I'm with child.**

Kurt rolled his eyes and Blaine chuckled lightly.

 

"No," Luke laughed. "She's just fat."

 

David made a face and looked away from the screen. "Oo, I just realized and imagined her trying to lose all of the weight from pretending to be pregnant."

 

"Ugh."

**Will: Hey, did you go to McKinley High? I think** **I had you in my Spanish class.**

 

**Waiter: Yeah, like, five years ago. I go to Carmel now.**

 

**Will: How is that possible? You must be 22.**

 

**Waiter: Twenty-four. I'm a six-year senior. They** **keep failing** **me so I can stay in Vocal Adrenaline.**

 

"Oh my gosh," Burt groaned, scrubbing a hand down his face. "Is show choir really that serious?"

 

"Yes!" Wes, Rachel and Kurt all said at that same time.

 

Burt reared back and raised his hands in defense. "Alright, my bad."

 

**Will: They fail you on purpose?**

**Waiter: Yeah.  
**

**Will: Is that legal?**

 

"Probably not." Cameron muttered quietly.

**Waiter: I'm the only one who can do the triple flip.**

**Terri: Yeah. Hey, how about that other piece of pie?**

 

**Waiter: How about it?**

 

**Terri: Honey, are you all right?**

 

**Will: Yeah. Fine.**

 

**CUT TO: EMMA'S OFFICE-DAY. Finn is sitting across** **from Emma looking slightly worried.**

 

Immediately Carol leaned forward and Emma winced.

 

**Finn: So, have I done something wrong?**

**Emma: Oh, no. No, no. Absolutely not. No, um,** **actually, I've just, um taken a special interest in you.** **Look, I know sometimes that life can come at you** **pretty fast and you reach a point where you might** **just need a little, um special guidance.**

 

Carol relaxed slightly and sighed. "Well, at least someone is helping you." Then, for good measure she added, "Even if I do wish you came to me."

 

"Sorry." Finn said sheepishly, shrugging a little.

 

**Finn: Has someone told you something about my** **personal life?**

**Emma: Nope. Mm-mmm.**

**CUT TO: TEACHER'S LOUNGE-DAY**

**Will: Can you keep a secret?**

 

Finn frowned. He didn't really know how to feel about the fact that he had trusted Mr. Shue to keep a secret for him and he couldn't stop from telling Emma. Luckily, Santana noticed.

 

"Wow, somehow it's not even surprising that you couldn't manage to keep a single thing from you're little crush." She scoffed. "Finnocence trusted you to not tell anyone and literally the first thing you did was tell her."

 

Will blinked, not really expecting this outburst from Santana. He wasn't really expecting an outburst at all, he just knew that the best way to get Rachel back to the Glee club was to use Finn. If anything he expected Rachel maybe, or Kurt to say something.

 

"I thought she could help. Finn told me about this but I'm not a counselor, I just wanted to help him." Will argued and Santana scoffed.

 

"Then why did she tell me to just get Rachel back?" Finn asked quietly, finally speaking up.

 

Will blinked and didn't have an answer for him.

 

**CUT TO: EMMA'S OFFICE-DAY**

**Emma: But, you know, there are very few students** **that ever** **get athletic scholarships. Okay? But** **there are a lot of schools that** **give full rides to** **students who excel in music. Students like yourself.** **Maybe if you were able to go to college you** **wouldn't, say, end** **up stuck in this town in a** **dead-end job living hand-to-mouth with a** **wife and** **a kid you never intended to have. For example,** **That's just** **something off the top of my head.**

**Finn: You think if I stuck with Glee that I could get a** **scholarship?**

**Emma: It's definitely a possibility. If you did well at** **regionals, maybe you could generate some interest.**

 

**Finn: But we lost Rachel. You think we can do it** **without her?**

**Emma: Sure!**

**CUT TO: MCKINLEY HALLS-DAY. Will and Emma are** **walking in the hall together.**

**Will: Do you think we can win regionals without** **Rachel?**

**Emma: Remember the Jamaican bobsled team?** **Big long-shots.**

 

"Wow." Quinn deadpanned. "Nice to know that you believe in us."

 

Rachel frowned slightly. At first when she heard what Emma and Will really thought she felt a sense of pride and happiness, but seeing Quinn looking upset, but trying to hide it, made her angry.

 

"They could've done it." Rachel said furrowing her brow. "Maybe Quinn couldn't dance, but they could have pulled it off without me."

 

Will, Emma, Kurt and Quinn all stared at her with wide eyed expressions.

 

"You really believe we could've won without you?" Artie asked and Santana raised an expecting eyebrow.

 

"Well yeah." Rachel said with a small smile. "As long as you guys picked the right music and had good choreography, it would be great. I would never willingly work with people that weren't as talented as me."

 

"And she's back." Santana scoffed with an eye roll but no one was fooled, they could clearly see the smile on her face.

 

"Guys," Will tried to explain. "I do believe in you-"

 

"It'd be nice if you showed it sometime." Mercedes interrupted.

 

**CUT TO: EMMA'S OFFICE-DAY.**

**Emma: Definitely. But if you're concerned about your** **future and, um, those who may be a part of your** **future soon maybe you could just give Rachel a talk,** **see if you can get her to come back.**

**CUT TO: CLASSROOM-DAY. Jacob and Rachel are** **sitting at a table. Jacob is interviewing her.**

Rachel winced and subconsciously folded her arms over her chest.

 

**Jacob: How does it feel to be just a sophomore and** **get the lead in the school musical?**

 

**Rachel: It's an honor. Frankly, one I feel I've earned.**

 

**Rachel: If there's anything I've learned in my 16** **years on the stage it's that stars are rare and when** **they're found you have to let them shine.**

**Jacob turns off the recorder.**

**Jacob: Show me your bra.**

 

"What the hell?" Finn exclaimed.

 

"That's disgusting!" Kurt gagged.

 

**Rachel: You mean, the one I'm wearing?**

**Jacob: Quid pro quo, Rachel. If you want a good** **review, show me your over-the-shoulder boulder** **holder.**

"You allow the students to treat each other this way?" Carol asked. "You just let them say all these horrible things about and to each other?"

 

"I didn't know he was this bad." Will said. "But I will definitely talk to him and his parents."

**Rachel: No way! You can't do that! My performance** **will stand on its own. Besides, no one reads the** **school paper anyway.**

 

**Jacob: Oh, but I'll post my scathing review online.** **You'll be finished on the high school stage. Now get** **those sweater puppies out of their cashmere cage.**

 

Tina gagged.

 

**Rachel groans and stands up to leave but then** **Sandy runs in.**

**Sandy: Sorry I'm late. My Vespa had a flat. Give me** **a minute and I will be ready for my interview.**

**Jacob: We're actually not gonna need any quotes** **from you for the article, Mr. Ryerson. Do the right** **thing. All the great actresses take their clothes off.**

**Sandy: Well, I have no problem with nudity. Let me** **tell you about my planned production of Equus.** **Have you ever hung out at a stable?  
**

**They leave. Rachel studies her chest with a** **thoughtful expression when Finn walks in.**

 

**Finn: Hey, what are you doing?**

 

"Were you thinking about it?" Kurt screeched and Rachel flushed red.

 

"Of course not!" She huffed. Santana smirked, folding her arms across her chest and leaning back against Brittany.

 

"Uh huh."

 

**Rachel: Uh, nothing! Just getting the star treatment** **I didn't get in Glee.**

**Finn: Totally.**

 

**Rachel: It's times like these I know I've chosen the** **right path. I'm never going back to Glee. It's clear** **my talent is too big for an ensemble.**

 

**Finn: Not gonna get an argument from me.**

**Rachel: I'm not?**

**Finn: No. You're, like, the most talented person I** **know. Even more than that guy at the mall who can** **juggle chainsaws. I just wanted to let you know that if you need someone to run lines with I'm** **available.**

**Rachel: There is a lot of dialogue.**

**Finn: I figured we could go somewhere quiet, maybe** **with low lighting and... Let me know.**

 

"Sorry for manipulating you." Finn apologized sheepishly.

 

"Oh, it's okay." Rachel said with a beaming smile. "I liked it."

 

Lauren watched with a baffled expression. "Y'all are fucking weird."

 

**CUT TO: WILL'S CLASSROOM-DAY. Emma sits down** **while hugging a file to her chest.**

**Emma: I could get fired for this.**

**Will: She was a student 15 years ago. No one's gonna care.**

**Emma goes to hand over the folder and Will goes** **to take it. They play tug of war with it for a second** **before Emma lets it go.**

 

Blaine snorted. "Looks like Wes and David." He whispered to Kurt.

 

Kurt giggled and Wes frowned.

 

"I _heard_ that Blaine."

**Will: See? I-I knew it! She never graduated. She quit** **with, like, three credits to go.**

 

**Emma: I, um, saw her picture in the folder. Pretty.  
**

**Will: Pretty?**

**Emma: Mmm.**

 

"She is." Puck sighed and Lauren slapped his shoulder.

 

**Will: April Rhodes was a goddess. When she sang,** **it was mesmerizing. The most talented performer in** **McKinley Glee Club history. She was my first crush.** **I was a freshman, she was a senior.**

**Emma: Wait, hold on 'Cause I thought you said your** **wife was your first crush.**

**Will: That's because April didn't even look at me. Oh,** **crap. There's no forwarding address.**

**Emma: So then you've had feelings for someone** **other than your wife.**

 

**Will: Emma, I'd love to play This Is Your Life, but** **Lord Google demands my attention.**

**Emma: Okay, just wait. Hold on, hold on, hold on.** **Okay? People can change.**

**Emma: Reaching back into your past is a dangerous** **business.** **They can, um, disappoint you.**

**Will: I think I can handle it.**

**Emma: I thought I could too. Just hear me out.**

**Emma: A few years ago I started an online flirtation** **with a high school flame, Andy. Things got weird,** **and I called it off.**

 

"An online flirtation?" Mercedes repeated. "The hell is that?"

 

**Emma: And two months later Versace was dead.** **Dead.**

**Will: Okay.**

**Will: April Rhodes, Lima, Ohio. Oh! She has a** **MySpace page.**

 

**Emma: Oh, God.**

**Will: Oh, and here's a link to her own personal Web** **site. She's online.**

**Will (typing): Hi, April. Not sure if you remember me,** **but my name is Will Schuester.**

**Emma: "35 Bontempo Road, between 2:00 and 3:00.** **Bring buffalo wings."**

 

**CUT TO: 'APRIL'S HOUSE'-DAY**

**April opens the door and leans against the doorway** **suggestively.**

 

Lauren watched Puck closely to make sure he didn't get too excited about April being on screen.

 

**Will: April.**

 

**April: Hello. Are you Will?  
**

**Will: Y-You remember me?**

**April :Mmm. But I don't remember breakfast.**

 

"Fun." Burt said sarcastically.

**April: Come on in.**

 

**April grabs his tie and pulls him into the house.**

**April: So did I sleep with you?**

**Will: l-I was a freshman when you were a senior.**

 

**April :So, did I sleep with you?**

 

Quinn snorted. "Sounds like you Santana."

 

"Haha." She mocked, sticking her tongue out at the blonde girl.

 

**Will: No.  
**

**April: Can I get you a drink? I just cracked open a** **fresh box of wine.**

**She walks off and Will follows.**

**Will: This is a great place you have. Looks like you're** **doing well for yourself.**

 

**April: I get five or six appointments on a good day,** **from my World Wide Web page so I do okay for** **myself.  
**

**April :Why don't you have a seat, take off that jacket** **and I'm gonna slip into something a little more** **comfortable.**

 

"I'm getting such weird vibes from this girl." Reid told Luke with a twist of his lips.

 

"Me too."

 

**She goes to walk off but a woman opens the front** **door.**

**Woman: Uh, So, this is a beautiful five-bedroom with** **wood-burning fireplace and-You! This is the third** **time this week!**

**Will: Who are you?**

 

**Sandra: I'm Sandra with Oakcrest Realty. She is a** **squatter. This is a bank-owned property. The owners** **foreclosed six months ago.**

 

"And there it is." Luke said while Reid sighed.

 

**April: Let me just get my vino and I'll be out of your** **hair. Hold that.  
**

**She hands her drink to Will and stumbles to the** **kitchen.**

**Will: Nice Place.**

**CUT TO: OUTSIDE OF THE HOUSE-DAY**

 

**Will: Can I ask you a question?**

**April: Yeah.**

**Will: What happened to you, April? In high school** **you were really going places.You had a voice like a** **dream; Everyone loved you.**

**April: Oh. Oh, I hitched my star to the wrong wagon.** **Me and my high school sweetheart Vinnie were** **convinced we were going to be stars so we dropped** **out of school and hitchhiked our way to the** **Broadway. We ended up in Cleveland slinging hash** **at Ralph's Bait Shop and Waffle House. Then Ralph** **had an affair with Vinnie. I had a set of mixed-race** **twins. And those were the good times.**

**Will: April...I think your struggle is really moving and** **I wanna help you get back on your feet. I happen to** **know that you're only three credits shy of your** **diploma. I can put you in my Spanish class. And... I** **know you're an amazing singer. I want you to be in** **the Glee Club. We'll get you sobered up, find you** **some underwear. It's not too late for you, April.**

**Will: What do you say?**

 

"I bet he wouldn't have done this if it didn't help him in some way." Tina muttered and Artie silently agreed with her.

 

**April takes a swig of her drink and then throws it** **out with a smile.**

**CUT TO: CHOIR ROOM-DAY**

**Will: Guys, I'd like to introduce you to someone very** **special. This is April Rhodes. She's our newest** **member.**

**Finn: Wait, so old people can join Glee Club now?**

 

**April :Old, huh? You guys look like the world's worst** **Benetton ad.**

**Artie: Mr. Schuester, this seems like a terrible idea.**

**Will: April is a great singer. And she never graduated.**

**Mercedes :We appreciate what you're trying to do,** **but she's no Rachel.**

 

**April: Who's Rachel?**

 

**Tina: Sh-Sh-She's kind of our star.  
**

 

Rachel beamed and subconsciously straightened her shoulders.

**April: Your star, eh? Well, where is she?**

**Kurt: She left. To be the lead in Cabaret.**

 

Rachel winced but Finn placed an arm around her shoulders.

 

**April: Hey, Tinkles, gimme "Maybe This Time" in** **B-flat. And don't let me catch you snoozin'.  
**

**April: _Maybe this time-I'll be lucky. Maybe this time_** _**he'll stay. Maybe this time-For the first time , Love** _ _**won't hurry away. He will hold me fast. I'll be home** _ **_at last._ _Not a loser. Anymore- Like the last time. And_ ** **_the time before._ **

 

"Woah, she's good." Nick said in awe.

 

**CUT TO: AUTOTORIUM- DAY**

**Rachel is on stage practicing.**

**Rachel: _Everybody, Loves a winner_**

"But Rachel's better." Jeff hummed.

 

**April: _So nobody loved me. Lady Peaceful, Lady_** _**Happy-That's what I long to be. All the odds are-** _ **_They're in my favor_ **

__

**Rachel: _Something's bound to begin_**

 

"Oo, it's close." Trent shrugged. "I don't know."

 

"Dude, it's obvious," Luke said, gesturing to the screen. "April's older, if Rachel can sing on her level and still only be in high school, she's better."

 

**April: _It's gonna happen_ Ha-ha!**

 

**Rachel: _Happen sometime, Maybe this time I'll win_**

 

**April: _Cause everybody They love a winner-So nobody l_** _**oved me** _

 

**Rachel: _Lady Peaceful, Lady Happy_**

 

**April: _That's what I long to be. All the odds are -_** _**They're in my favor** _

 

**Rachel: _Something's bound to give in_**

 

**April: _It's gonna happen_**

 

"I think April and Rachel would sound amazing together." Wes said dreamily.

 

"Too bad we can't have girls at Dalton." Jeff reminded him and Wes frowned.

 

**Rachel: _Happen sometime_**

 

**April: _Maybe this time_**

 

**Rachel: _Maybe this time, I'll Win_**

 

**April: _I'll Win-Win_**

 

**April: Stick that in your pipe and smoke it.**

 

**CUT TO: WILL'S CLASSROOM-DAY**

**Will: So, if I were to say, "I'm going to Mexico for the** **day" would I use "por" or "para"?**

**April raises her hand to answer the questions.**

**Will: April.**

 

**April: Para.**

 

**Will: Por.**

 

**April: Oh. I guess I'd better pour myself another c** **ran-tini.**

 

"You've _got_ to be kidding me." Burt groaned.

 

Will looked like he was going to defend her but thought better and stopped himself. 

 

**The class laughs.**

**April: I'm just kiddin'. It's hot chocolate.**

 

**Will: All right, remember, guys, oral reports** **Wednesday.**

**The students leave.**

 

**Will: April, can I talk to you for a second?**

**April: I'm sorry, Will. The old noodle just ain't what** **she used to be. I huffed a lot of upholstery cleaner** **in the '90s.**

 

"Sounds like a great time." Reid said sarcastically.

 

**Will: Look, April I've been talking to the Glee kids** **and, um, I think they're still not so sure about having you around. You draw a lot of attention to yourself and they're** **embarrassed enough as it is. So do you think you** **could maybe take some time and try to win them** **over?**

**April: Yeah.**

**CUT TO: CHOIR ROOM-DAY**

 

**April is pouring a drink into her thermos mug cap** **and handed it to Kurt.**

 

Kurt winced and his face flushed red. "Oh no."

 

He slouched down and covered his face with his hands.

 

**April: Mmm.**

 

**Kurt: Smells like my aunt Mildred.**

 

**April: Just drink it.**

 

**Kurt takes a sip and makes a face.**

 

**Kurt: Sweet, with a bit of an afterburny taste.**

 

"She gave him alcohol?" Burt yelled. "And you kept her around?"

 

"I-i didn't know until later, or otherwise I would have definitely put a stop to it." Will stuttered.

 

"Oh, well that makes me feel _so_ much better." Burt scoffed. "You 'putting a stop' to it. How about you just don't have her in your class."

 

"You say that, but how are we supposed to believe you." Carol said shaking her head.

 

**April: Oh, good Chablis should always have a little** **bite. A few swigs of that every day before school** **and you'll have all the courage you need to be** **yourself.**

 

**Kurt: Really?**

**April: Oh, yeah!**

**Kurt: That's fantastic.**

 

**April: So is my primo collection of vintage muscle** **magazines. Want 'em?**

**CUT TO: MCKINLEY HALL WAY**

**Kurt walks up to Mr. Shue with the magazines and** **thermos hugged close to his chest.**

 

**Kurt: Mr. Schuester, I changed my mind. April** **should stay. I worship her.**

**Kurt walks away with a smile and Will watches him** **go with a confused but pleased look on his face.**

**CUT TO: CHOIR ROOM-DAY**

**Tina and Mercedes are both walking awkwardly** **and some cabbage falls from between their legs.**

 

"What the fuck?" Puck exclaimed and Tina ducked her head.

 

"Um. What are you doing?" Quinn asked, squinting her eyes at the screen, tilting her head adorably.

 

"You'll see." Mercedes said waving her hand.

 

**April: Oh, no. You gotta be more natural.**

 

**Tina: I c-c-can't do this.**

 

**Mercedes: I don't understand why we're doing this** **in the first place.**

 

**April: Your lack of imagination astounds me. This is** **only the beginning. If you can master this, you can** **sneak anything out of a store between your knees.**

"Now she's teaching them how to steal." Burt grumbling. "Absolutely ridiculous."

 

"What wasn't I invited to this?" Santana asked and Brittany frowned.

 

"Because stealing is wrong 'Tana."

 

Santana flashed a rare smile and pressed a kiss to her cheek. "Of course babe."

**April puts the cabbage in between her legs and** **walks forward a few steps.**

 

**April: Shoes, prom dresses. I once got a cake out of** **a kid's birthday party with the candles still lit!**

**Tina and Mercedes both exchange looks of** **excitement.**

 

**CUT TO: WILL'S CLASSROOM-DAY**

**Tina and Mercedes are both decked out in brand** **new bling.**

 

"That's kinda cool though." Trent hummed.

 

**Will: Are you sure?**

**Mercedes: She can stay.**

 

**Tina: T-T-Totally.  
**

 

**CUT TO: BOY'S LOCKER ROOM-DAY**

**Puck walks out of the shower with a towel wrapped** **around his waist, and a few seconds later April** **walks out as well, wearing his jersey.**

"Ew," Rachel exclaimed. "Noah!"

 

Puck shrugged. "What can I say? I'm just that good."

 

Lauren merely made a face at his antics and he wilted.

**CUT TO: MCKINLEY HALLWAY-DAY**

**April is walking arm in arm with Puck and Matt,** **with Mike walking close behind.**

**April: Don't tickle me!**

"Ew." Kurt said simply.

**They all walk by Will, who is watching them in** **shock and awe.**

****

****

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Heyyyy, turns out I'm not dead? Yay. 
> 
> I've decided that for the chapters that don't already have an online transcript, I'll have to split them into different parts because I have to write the script as well as the reactions. With this, it should be easier to and faster than a huge long chapter. 
> 
> This actually took so long because I tried to write the whole version and just when I got to the end I accidentally deleted it off my computer completely. So yeah, I love that for me. 
> 
> Anyway, I'm back and the next chapter should be out maybe next week? I tried to give a little drama cause I know you all have been deprived.


	7. Chapter 7

**CUT TO: DANCE ROOM-DAY**

**Rachel:** **_What good is sitting. Alone in your room_ **

"She's so good." Reid mumbled.

"Don't look now, but Wes is actually salvating." Luke chuckled and Reid looked over to see Wes watching the screen with his undivided attention.

**Sandy:  This is terrible.**

"What is he talking about?" Kurt frowned. "I mean, they aren't your best vocals but they're better than his will ever be."

Rachel shrugged, slouching back into the couch. Usually she was really good at taking criticism from people, especially if it was constructive. But this wasn't and it hurt to be told that she was terrible over and over again.

Finn frowned at his girlfriend. She tried her hardest not to slouch, so this must have really bothered her.

**Rachel:** **_Come hear the music play_ **

**Sandy:  This is a disaster.**

**Rachel:** **_Life is a cabaret_ **

**Sandy: Gonna barf!**

"What is this? Is this how he tried to teach you? " Will asked, barely restrained anger in his voice.

"S'not much better than bringing someone who's already done with Glee back instead of letting some of the other kids have a lead." Burt grumbled and Kurt and Quinn bit back their smiles and Santana snorted.

Will glared at Burt but Burt was just smirking.

**Rachel:** **_Old chum_ **

**Sandy: Boring!**

**Rachel:** **_Come to the cabaret_ **

**Sandy: No, no, no, no, no!**

**Rachel: I don't know what you want.**

**Sandy: Well, I know what I don't want, and it is all of this. When I gave you this part I thought you could handle it, but clearly you can't. What this show needs is a star with a little bit more maturity.**

"Um. Ew." Tina summed up.

"Pretty much." Artie sighed.

**Rachel: I know what you're trying to do. You're trying to get me to quit so you can be the star. Well, it won't work. I'm not going anywhere.**

**Sandy: I'll say.**

"I can't believe he was allowed to be in charge of this." Carole huffed. "This is completely inappropriate."

"Can't change it now." Quinn sighed, rolling her eyes.

**CUT TO: CHOIR ROOM-DAY**

**Finn: I'm sleeping with him.**

Kurt blinked and Finn flushed red.

**Rachel: So am I.**

**Finn:  This play's weird.**

**Rachel: That's Mr. Ryerson's favorite line. You're a really good actor, Finn. Maybe you should consider joining the musical.**

**Finn: Um, I'm pretty devoted to Glee. I don't think I could just walk away from it. I know how hard it was for you. But I could justify doing both if you came back. But we both know that's not gonna happen.**

Finn winced and Rachel seeing his distress, grabbed his hand and smiled at him.

Finn smiled shakily back at her.

**Finn: Do you know what we should do?**

**Rachel: Elope?**

**Finn: What?**

**Rachel: Nothing.**

Rachel turned red as everyone laughed, even Finn smiled goodnaturedly.

**Finn: We should go bowling.You're always so stressed out about the play.You just need to loosen up. I always go bowling whenever I'm worked up about a big game or something.**

"Dude," Puck said, "we should go bowling after this. Sam? Finn? Mike? You down?"

"Sure." Finn shrugged.

"Cool." Sam grinned.

"I'll be there."

Kurt sighed. He didn't expect to be included, because he never was, but it would've been nice.

**Rachel: Just us?**

**Finn: Yeah.**

**Rachel: Yeah, th-th-that would be great. I-I am really stressed out. But that's the price you pay for being a star.**

**April: Don't I know it.**

**Will: Hey, Rachel. April Rhodes, Rachel Berry. Can you give us the room? We need to teach April the cues for "Don't Stop Believin'.**

**Finn: Wait. She's singing the female lead?**

**Rachel: Wait. She's in the Glee Club? She's ancient.**

Mercedes laughed. "She's not wrong."

**April: Talent doesn't age, sweetheart.**

**Finn: That's Rachel's part, Mr. Schue.**

Rachel tightened her hand around Finn's. "Thanks for trying." She muttered.

**Will: Well, Rachel's not in the Glee Club anymore.**

**Rachel: Thanks, Finn.**

**Will: Rachel. We're all really excited to see the play. Make sure you save us a seat in the front row.**

**April: Mi, mi, mi, mi, mi, mi, mi . You, you, you, you, you, you, you**

**CUT TO: MCKINLEY HALLWAY-DAY**

**Emma walked by a rumpled looking Kurt and took a huge sniff.**

**Emma: Kurt? Hi. I'm a girl who knows her solvents, and your breath smells like rubbing alcohol.**

Kurt winced and ran a hand down his face. "Oh no."

Burt grit his teeth and Will ducked his head. "Thank you for noticing Emma."

Emma smiled at Burt nervously.

**Kurt: Oh, Bambi, I cried so hard when those hunters shot your mommy.**

**Kirt threw up on Emma's shoes and she** ****gasps** ** **in horror.**

Everyone burst out into laughter and Kurt wilted into Blaine's shoulder. Blaine lightly placed a hand on Kurt's head, embracing him despite still shaking with laughter.

**CUT TO: TEACHER'S LOUNGE-DAY**

**Will: Hey, Em. Just trying to figure out the set list for Saturday.**

**Emma: I just got back from the emergency room. Had them give me four decontamination showers. They call that the full Silkwood.**

"Four decontamination showers?" Sam winced. "Jeez."

**Will: What happened?**

**Emma: Kurt was drunk and he ralphed on me. Not really fessing up to how he got the booze just yet but I'm pretty sure it's not a fake I.D. Because he looks like an 11-year-old milkmaid.**

Kurt pulled away from Blaine's shoulder in offence. "Excuse me?"

Santana rolled her eyes. "She's wasn't wrong Hummel. You did."

"Key word being did." Blaine whispered in Kurt's ear. Kurt flushed red and quieted down.

**Emma: Will, I think it was April. Her backpack's always clinkin' with empties.**

**Will: I'm so sorry. I-I will I'll talk to him.**

"You really should be talking to me." Burt said sternly. "Or April."

"No, what should have happened was  that a parent teacher and student conference should have be set up." Carole said. "Another student, especially an adult getting her credits, should not be allowed to give another student alchohol. She should have been suspended, just like any other student bringing alcohol onto campus would've been."

"That's true." Emma agreed reluctantly. "I...I don't know why I didn't do that."

Carole's voice softened. "Probably because you were a little shaken from being thrown up on." Then she turned to Will, her voice firm again, "I don't know what your excuse was."

**Emma: Okay. I'm, um I'm a little bit worried about the Glee Club.**

**Will: So am I. I mean, if we don't place at regionals, it's all over.**

"The Glee club was falling apart and all he was worried about was regionals." Mercedes scoffed.

"Are you really surprised though?" Artie asked, raising an eyebrow.

"No," she sighed, "not really."

**Emma: We have obligations as teachers, Will to give kids opportunities for growth and enrichment. With April in Glee, you're taking away a kid's chance to grow and you're giving it to someone whose brain is soaked in corn booze.**

"Damn, Ms. Pilsbury ain't taking shit." Lauren laughed.

**Will: April's not finished, Emma and if Glee's gonna win I need to give her a second chance. She is a talented performer and I really think the kids are gonna learn a lot of valuable technique from her.**

"We could've won without her. If we had just practiced, we've been fine." Tina sighed.

"But Quinn still couldn't do the lead." Sam countered.

"That doesnt mean that Tina couldn't, or Santana. With Mercedes' powerful voice we could've crushed regionals."

Emma: Okay. But I think you need to think about why you're doing this and what you're willing to sacrifice to get it.

**CUT TO: DANCE ROOM-DAY**

**Sandy (in slow motion): You suck!**

Rachel flinched and Quinn looked at her worriedly.

"Jesus, what the hell is his problem?" Puck frowned. He wasn't gonna lie, Rachel annoyed the hell out of him, but he'd be damned if someone else would make her feel made.

**CUT TO: BATHROOM-DAY**

**Rachel is crying in front of the mirror.**

**April: Oh. Rough day at the office, cookie?**

"Oh no. Why does this give me a bad feeling." Blaine muttered.

"Probably because this isn't gonna go well?" Kurt sighed.

**Rachel: I just got a lot on my plate. It's not easy being in the spotlight. It's the difficult road I've chosen.**

**April: Yeah. I know that song, sister. Um, do you have any NyQuil? I could use a little pick-me-up.**

Burt sighed but didn't comment.

**Rachel: No.**

**April: These high school boys are a lot hotter than they used to be. That Finn Hudson is one cutie pie I gots my eye on.**

Finn wrinkled his nose in disgust. "Ew."

"That's absolutely disgusting." Carole snapped. "I can't believe you let her into this club."

**Rachel: Finn's taken, April.**

"Thanks Rachel." Quinn muttered and Rachel smiled at her.

"No problem."

**April: Yeah? Well, some guys like a little somethin' on the side.**

**Rachel: I think your behavior is totally inappropriate and your presence in this school is a complete travesty.What you choose to do with your life is your own business but don't go around screwing up everyone else's.**

"Woo! Go Rachel!" Brittany cheered and Santana nodded in approval.

**April: I'm not afraid of you, sweetie. There was a time when I was the biggest star around here. And now that I've got that back I'm never lettin' it go.**

Will frowned. He knew that April wasn't doing the best but he never thought that she was actively vindictive or aggressive towards Rachel.

Maybe he did make a mistake in letting April into the Glee Club.

**CUT TO: BOWLING ALLY-NIGHT**

**Rachel: Do I have to put my fingers in the holes? Couldn't there be diseases in there?**

**Finn: Oh, no. Ball sharing is all part of the fun. Here, use the pink one. Pink's your favorite color, right?**

"We should go bowling later too." Blaine said spontaneously.

"Dude that sounds great." David said. "Who wants to go with us?"

"I'll go." Trent said with a smile.

"Me too." Cameron nudged Reid and soon enough almost all of the Dalton boys were going Bowling together.

Except for Wes.

"Come on Wes," Blaine sighed. "We can call it club bonding if you'd like."

"Please?" Kurt begged.

Wes sighed heavily and with a small smile, nodded. "Sure, sure. I'll go."

Kurt's face broke out into a large grin and Blaine bumped their shoulders together in excitement.

The Glee club watched all of this with a vague sense of sadness and disappointment. Why haven't they all gone on a club bonding trip when Kurt was in the Glee club?

**Rachel: Now what?**

**Finn: Follow my lead. Come on. Okay, so, just look at the pins. Nice and straight.**

**Rachel throws and gets a gutter ball and Finn smiles.**

**Finn: You sure this is your first time?**

"Aw, that was so sweet." Tina smiled.

  **PAN OVER TO APRIL AND WILL.**

**Will: Oh-ho-ho! April!**

**April: Whoo-hoo!**

**Will: You see what you can accomplish when you're sober?**

**April: Sober? I'm rollin' on a fistful of horse tranquilizers.I can't feel my lips. Oh! You know I think I'm gonna keep these shoes.**

"Horse tranquilizers? What the heck?" Jeff asked and Nick shook his head.

"I have no idea."

**Will: April, I I brought you here because I needed to talk to you.**

**April: Okay.**

**Will: I'm concerned that you're a bad influence on the Glee Club. I can't have you around if you're gonna encourage them to make bad choices.**

**April: You're right, Will. As of right now, I'm back on the wagon.**

"That was...quick." Sam frowned.

"Yeah, no kidding." Artie agreed.

**Will: Really? That's great.**

**Will: I have to tell you something. I was in awe of you in high school. I mean, of all the roads I never traveled in my life the one I regret the most was never getting the chance to sing with you.**

**April: Really?**

**Will: Yeah. That's how you get better singing with people who are better than you.**

**April: You really thought that much of me?**

**Will: April you are the reason I joined Glee Club.**

Emma frowned. Now it was making sense why it took so much effort to pry Will away from April and to get him to make a clearheaded decision. He was blinded by his idol. The girl he looked up too and probably had a crush on, was enjoying his company.

**April: No. Um so your dream was always to sing with me, huh?**

**Will: Yeah.**

**April: Well, then come on. Come on!**

**Barry: Hey, April, karaoke's on Wednesdays. Tonight's bingo.**

**April: Shut your gravy hole, Barry!**

**Will: Hey, guys. Uh, happy gambling. Here we go.**

**April:** **_I hear the ticking of the clock. I'm lying here, The room's pitch dark. I wonder where you are tonight, No answer on the telephone. And the night goes by so very slow. Oh, I hope that it won't end though, alone._ **

"Too bad she's crazy." Trent tsked. "Cause she's a great singer."

**April:** **_Till now I always got by on my own_ **

**_Both:I never really cared until I met you. And now it chills me to the bone. How do I get you alone_ **

**Will:** **_How do I get you alone_ **

**April:** **_How do I get you alone_ **

**Will:** **_How do I get you_ **

**Both** **_:_ ** **_Alone_ **

**April:** **_Alone_ **

**Will:** **_Alone_ **

**Both:** **_Alone_ **

Will smiled at the memory of singing with April and wished that he could do it again soon. Maybe he should give her a call, and see what she's up too.

Well...maybe not anytime soon with the way that Burt was feeling about her.

**Rachel: This is really good pizza.**

**Finn: Yeah, I think they import the pepperoni from Michigan or something.**

**Rachel: How's Glee?**

**Finn: Oh, well, everybody misses you.**

**Rachel: Mmm, they miss my talent.**

"Maybe that's true Rachel, but we also missed having you around." Artie protested.

"Yeah, you may annoy us or whatever but we still kind of like you." Puck said with an eyeroll.

Eventually the entire club chimed in with their agreement and Finn pressed a kiss to her forehead.

Mercedes nudged Santana, who sighed heavily. "Yeah, Berry. We might like having you around. You know, when you aren't annoying."

Rachel beamed and flushed a deep red.

**Finn: No. No. We're your friends. We just miss having you around.**

**Rachel: I love Glee. I just don't see the point in wasting my energies someplace I'm not appreciated.**

**Finn: I appreciate you. It's your last ball. Just like the first time. But better.**

**Rachel throws it, get a** **strike** **and they** **both** **cheer until Rachel kisses Finn.**  
**They both pull away slowly.**

**Finn: Come back to Glee.**

**Rachel: What about Quinn?**

**Finn: I don't know what's gonna happen in the future. I just wanna spend more time with you now.**

Rachel winced but Quinn hummed. She knew that around this time she wasn't the best person to her friends and Finn. It made sense that he would fall for Berry even while being with her. Quinn didn't harbor any grudges against Rachel because Quinn realize that she was better of being just friends with Finn.

**Rachel: I'll have to quit the play.**

**Finn** **frowned** **.**  
**Rachel: I'll do it.**

**They embraced, Rachel looked elated while Finn looked troubled.**


End file.
